Why does my 5 year old daughter cry instead of using her words.?

Question

Instead of her asking for things or something is wrong she cries, she even wakes up in the middle of the night crying. But this need to cry instead of using words is driving me crazy. How do I get her to stop and think befor she cries and speak to me about the situation. HELP?

Answer 1

When I read your question, the first thing that I thought was, "Crying gets a grownup's attention." It is functional, just not always appropriate. I also wondered if, at five years of age, your daughter's going through new changes in routine (shift to school from daycare or homecare, or something else) that's she's still trying to adjust to and feeling some insecurity about. Does this behavior mark a change, or has it always been this way?

I think that little ones fall back on more instinctive, less mature behavior when feeling stressed, tired, or upset. After all, it has served them in the past and a way of getting prompt parental attention. Crying's also an effective way of releasing complex emotions that kids might not in fact have the words for. What is her language usually like? I'd rule out any difficulties there as well.

Using words, like crying, is a learned behavior, and it will take some time and consistency on your (and your family's) part to make it happen. I think it's always good idea to attend to your daughter when she's feeling upset, which signals to her that you are attentive and concerned about her distress, but after comforting her a bit, I'd encourage her to tell you in words what she needs/what has happened. Until she's developed the cognitive maturity to "stop and think", as you've mentioned, you will need to be her coach, of sorts, supporting her as she works through the process/steps and rewarding her when she does use her words and learns to calm herself on her own. You're essentially trying to increase the frequency of using words and slowly extinguish the crying response as the first response (there will be times that this is appropriate, though). Think about two or three steps that you'd like to see her follow, and try to guide her in that direction with reminders and prompts, the same ones every time. As she continues to mature, she will learn new skills and ways to soothe herself more effectively, becoming less reliant on you or others to do this for her. Until then, she will need a helping hand and support to make it happen. I don't know enough about it to suggest selective ignoring of behavior that you don't want to see, as I think that things probably really escalate if she's allowed to cry and keep on crying and essentially feels ignored. I'm not sure that she will automatically think to use her words when her cries are ignored in most situations. That's a complex connection to make. Instead, she'll likely keep using the same poor strategy until she's got a new and better one under her belt (which is where that coaching comes in - now she'll have choices!).

Looking forward to reading about others's suggestions as well! All the best to you.

Answer 2

Some people are just very emotional. And children learn that crying gets attention and results, so they keep on doing it.

My advice to you is to act very calm when she cries, act like it's no big deal, don't give her a lot of attention for that. Think about what she should be saying instead of crying. For instance, when she cries to tell you she wanted the red one instead of the blue one... just say, "Momma, I would rather have the red one please."
Tell her to quit crying and say that instead. Keep telling her the right things to say in place of the crying. Tell her you can't hear her until she quits crying.

She could have some issues... but seriously I have a son who is somewhat like this. He is grown now, but he still has a tendency to fuss instead of just confronting issues in a non-emotional way. He is a perfectionist. The oldest or only child is often like this. Nothing is ever quite good enough for them.

But you can still train her to act in a more responsible way. If she goes to school and does that, she will have problems with teachers and other students.

Good luck with that.

Answer 3

My youngest son tried this when he was 5, he is now 6.
We simply said "Ah! I'm not listening! Tell me whats wrong and then i'll listen."
Then we ignored him.
You can tell the difference between a real cry and that attention getting wail.
If he cried and pointed, we would look away and pretend he wasn't there.
He dropped to the ground the first few times and kicked and hit the floor. Honestly my wife and I had to make sure we didn't look at each other incase we laughed as it was a really pathetic display.
He quickly caught on. Now he is going through a stage where he crosses his arms and slumps in a chair. From one extreme to the other.

Answer 4

My 4 yr old daughter is on a big crying jag too. I too am going nuts. I think, with my daughter, she is tired. Preschool just started back and since then everything is tears. "Honey, mommy has to make dinner now" followed by WAHHHHH! We are trying to get our daughter in bed earlier and earlier. It seems to help, sometimes. If she is waking up at night I would suspect that she is having bad dreams, she is tired, so she cries, plus she is upset. Then, from waking up at night, she is tired. Etc. My daughter and I have started saying a prayer for her dreams...so that she has good ones. This seems to have soothed her some and she is waking up less. One morning she even told me she prayed by herself in the middle of the night, and went back to sleep. If that fits into your families values, you may want to consider that.

I know it is frustrating -- my daughter is crying right now!! AHHHH!

Answer 5

My wife tells our toddler, "Use your big girl words, tell momma." And then she uses words. Simply put, don;t respond to ther if she cries. Ignore it. Tell her to use words, then when she does reward her with what she wants. As for crying in the middle of the night, that is how it goes. Your choices are to ignore it and hope she goes back to sleep, or go to her. Of course if you go to her you will teach her that if she cries she will get what she wants. Ain't parenthood fun?

Answer 6

I think most of the answers you got so far sound good. I have a three year old with similar problems, but she receives speech and OT for them. I don't think it would hurt to voice your concerns to her pediatrician and see what they have to say.
Good Luck.......I know it drives me bananas!

Answer 7

She's learning that her ACTIONS get reaction FASTER!! She'll out grow it...my son is doing the same thing..or rather..he DID it and has since stopped!

Answer 8

Just tell her, honey you have to stop crying and tell me what is wrong...and leave it at that.

Answer 9

take her to a shrink, she may be abused by someone around her.