How to handle this without offending my friend?

Question

My friend has two young kids. I have none (which is fine by me). We live about 45 minutes away but manage to see each other maybe twice a year. Every time I've seen her since moving back to this area, I've had to come to her house & even tho it's with a plan for lunch we end up doing nothing but entertaining her kids, watching them play, etc.

In the 5 yrs I've lived here, she hasn't come to see my house. Something always comes up. Latest is that she wants to make sure her son can crawl around b/c she can't stand to keep him cooped up. I'm kind of at the end of my rope -- I understand we are different than 10 yrs ago and she has diff. responsibilities as a parent, but I'm tired of being put off even when I come there -- I'm not really there for a visit b/c she's so distracted that it's a pointless visit.
Anything you can suggest I say to her w/out offending her parenting skills?

Last time I visited we stood in a park, watching her kid dig dirt. Anoter time she was so preoccupied with making baby food that I spent the whole 5 hour "lunch" visit without any food myself at all.

I have other friends and family who are parents and aren't this way. I do things with them, it's not such a big deal to arrange to get together.

Parisa - I understand what you're saying & my question may have sounded selfish but it's because the past 5 years have been taken up entirely by visits to her house when it's convenient for her and nap time, and play dates, etc. She has a husband who is capable of taking care of them and they have plenty of money to hire a babysitter. I get the sense that she prefers to use those times up for other situations so I guess I'm not feeling like I should keep extending myself if I'm not important enough to warrant a babysitter once/year. And when I am there, every other sentence in our conversation is interrupted by her issuing some directive to her kids or husband so it's tiresome to be around and not even have a conversation.
I have other friends with kids who seem to have a better balance...like a mom who likes the idea of a 'free the mommy' for a few hours once in a while.
Thanks for the other perspective tho.

Thanks for all of the suggestions. Guess to those who felt like I'm just being selfish, well, kids aren't my thing and I've been doing it her way for several yrs now. Don't think that's being selfish, think it's holding my tongue and trying to be a good friend. Sorry you can't see it that way.
Sometimes I think parents become very closed to the world around them. I know kids are a huge part of life but it doesn't meant you have to stop living your own life. There can be a balance & I see other parents strike that balance & have well adjusted kids.
After all, I think it's selfish to expect people to hang around your kids in order to spend time with you. It's boring, sorry. Don't think it's asking a lot of a friend with kids to get a sitter once a year so you can spend some real time with them.
Thanks to those who offered constructive and realistic suggestions! Your kids are fortunate to have you as parents!

Answer 1

All moms are different. Some take to it like a duck to water, and to heck with everything else. I've always tried to maintain my friendships, no matter how many kids I have (one, and one on the way). I think I have time in my life for both kids and friends.

If I had a friend that I knew was not "kid-centric" and we were going to spend some time together, all I would require is that she give me plenty of warning, maybe get together at a time when my husband can watch the kids. Maybe suggest something more concrete: rather than just "getting together", plan for a movie and lunch, set a time (make reservations?), but just make sure she knows that it's just going to be you-and-her time!

Good luck!

Answer 2

There comes a point in every friendship where you have to evaluate what you are getting out of the relationship. Understand that you are choosing to maintain a friendship with this person - no one is making you put forth the extra effort to always go to her house, etc. There are many ways you can handle the situation, but first you need to determine if this friendship is valuable enough to you to make the effort. If it is, you just need to be upfront with your friend. Tell her you understand that she has children and that your lives are different, but that during the rare times you are able to get together you would like to be able to have time between the two of you to just catch up. If this isn't an option for her - she may not have family close by to watch the kids or be able to afford a sitter - then it may be time to part ways. You do need to understand that kids change the lives of their parents. Your friend probably didn't intend to be insensitive - what you did together may be how she now spends most of her time with friends. Good luck!

Answer 3

Not all kids can be quiet angels so if she's distracted it might be because the kids have run her ragged....mentally and physically. It might be easier for her to entertain her children than to hear them scream for attention. Perhaps she doesn't want her kids to break any of your belongings. Maybe she can't afford a baby sitter? Maybe she's just totally in love with her children?

Maybe next time you can invite her over along with a few other friends who have kids. Then the kids can play with each other so the adults can talk. If she'll spring for a baby sitter invite her out to a place that isn't appropriate for children (no..not a strip club) Make sure the place is close and that you have enough time to swing by your place if you want her to see where you live.

So the way she rears her children isn't the same as your other friends. Doesn't make her wrong.
You keep your place the way you want because it's you house...she can't blame you.
She brings up her children a certain way that doesn't work in your house so she doesn't visit...you can't blame her.

I didn't think being captivated by your children and putting their needs above anything (like seeing a friend's house) were bad parenting skills.

Just a bit of perspective from someone who remembers what it's like to have friends with kids and then to have kids of her own.

Answer 4

As a mom to two children with a best friend who is child free by choice, I see both sides. Who wants to spend their valuable time being ignored? However, look at the big picture. You've invested years into this friendship and she won't be the mother of small children forever. At least it's only twice a year and not a weekly routine. To say anything could possibly be terminal to the friendship if she takes it as an attack on her parenting skills. On the other hand will holding it in make you bitter? That can be terminal to a friendship also. Only you know her and your friendship well enough to make that call.

Answer 5

Where is the kids' father? Maybe you can ask him to stay with the kids while you take your friend out to dinner or a movie. (Note: I hope he understands that it's not "babysitting" when they're your own kids.) If the father is not able/available, ask another friend or relative or hire a babysitter.

Plan something special, a play, a concert, or even just going someplace quiet so you can talk. Try to be sympathetic; chances are she feels overwhelmed and overly responsible for every aspect of the kids' lives. Tell her that you think she deserves a break, then take her away from her house.

If she doesn't want to go out and doesn't want to go to your house, maybe it's time to let go of this friendship. Or just wait until she's ready to put some energy into it. Good luck!

Answer 6

This is mine and my friends situation:
We were friends in H.S. and I had a child at 24, she still has none,
We are totally different now.
Maybe you do not understand because you are not a mom, but Kids are your life when you have them,,,Its hard to say, Honey, going out for dinner...fend for yourself...You feel like you have to take care of everything,,,Be a supermom!

I understand you want her to be apart for a while, Its just hard to do, Me and my friend have gotten far apart because of this, and I actually find myself getting offened when she dosent ask about my kids or try and play or socialize with them in any way, they are a part of me now.
Its very tough when 2 friends go on seperate paths,,,You will just have to try and understand, she is a mother now there is so much thet intells. Dinner out with a friend is the last thing on my mind. (especially when all she wants to talk about is this guy she slept with or that club she went to) I could care less. And she could care less about my kids.
I too feel like I lost a good friend. But who should change?

Hope this sheds a little light on the other side of the matter!

P.S. I do try and go out to eat maybe once every three months, still its hard!)

Answer 7

I do not like to be separated from my daughter. I have been with my daughter 24/7 for 4 months or longer. I only visit and make friends with women that have children also. They are the only ones that understand how it is with children. Yes, you do sound very selfish. You need to realize that being a parent comes before you and everyone else. My daughter and future children will always come before everyone else. That's the way it should be. If you are not happy , then find other friends .

Answer 8

Let your friend have some time to get adjusted to parenting, some never do. Wait til she asks to meet up again, and make sure it's not at her place, so she don't end up locking u there doing nothing but watch her kids. Try to joke about how u'd like her to visit your place sometimes, u've been here for how long and she's never seen ur place. I don't have much else advice, am not a parent and am not close to anyone who is a parent. Good luck though!

Answer 9

Neither of you has heard of a novel new approach called.........call a babysitter? Instead of agreeing to go to her house or a park or anything else child oriented, suggest a restaurant and a babysitter, tell her that you'd really like to treat her by eating out. If she refuses, and you don't feel comfortable getting together at her house, then you may just have to let the friendship fade away. How much would you really have in common at that point?

Answer 10

Just simply say, you would like to hang out and have some girl time. Suggest she get a babysitter, family member or the father to sit with the children. Suggest time away from the children would be a good time to relax and catch up. This should not hurt her feelings. Just make sure you give her enough time to schedule and make it happen Good luck