How can I learn to overcome my fear of intimidating people?

Question

I'm a 31 year old man who is sick and tired of feeling intimidated by aggressive people. Physically I have the appearence of a strong man, but mentally and emotionally I feel like a dog with his tail between his legs. People (particularly aggressive people) can suconsciously pick up on this, and use it to walk all over me, knowing that I'm too scared to empower myself and stand up against their oppression. I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!. What can I do about this? Is there anyone out there who can really REALLY help me? Living like this is like living in a self-imposed prison, and it's a nightmare! I don't want to become a bully, I just want to feel GENUINELY empowered and able to take care of myself when I need to. I don't want to be anyone's doormat NO MORE!! Someone, somewhere show me the way please!!!

Answer 1

What you are looking for is "assertiveness". You can get books and go to classes for this. I used to be intimidated by certain people, too. And, although I didn't read a book or go to classes, I just came to realize that I am as valuable in this world as anybody else. I am NOT a rug and I am much more assertive. But, it might just come with age, too. Or maturity.

Answer 2

I have the same problem. I've started planning how to handle certain people before I'm around them so if they do something inappropriate then I already have planned my response instead of being caught off guard.

Example, if someone I know asks to borrow money, I explain I'm kind of tapped out myself. If they're like "OK, then just lend me a ten" I'm prepared to keep saying "Sorry, I can't" as many times as it takes but I refuse to be coerced into lending them the money.

There's are two people I know that seem to like to bully me into "not wasting food." Now, when they do the "You didn't even touch your ....." I respond with "You're right, I didn't. Would you like it?" or, if it's something my Mom cooked and served me (you know how they are, some people plop stuff on your plate when you didn't even ask for any) then I say "Gosh, my stomach's a little upset right now, can I take the rest of this home?" then it goes in the dumpster but avoids the whole ugly "I cooked all day and you didn't eat a thing" fight.

Make a list of the people who pick on you then start making a list of how each one of them picks on you and dream up a response you can live with.

The people who like to poke fun of me and then get all "Gee, it was all in fun" are lots of fun, aren't they? Now, if someone says something derogatory, call me a name "in fun," then I respond with "Gee, you say that like it's a bad thing!" and act like it doesn't bother me. Since I no longer get flustered or embarrassed, it's not as much fun for them and they don't do it as often.

Hang in there! There's lots of us out here!

Answer 3

You have what therapists call "boundary issues." You don't know how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. And, you're right, predators can spot our type a mile away.

I used to be the same way. I'd suggest counseling. I know that's not what you want to hear and maybe you've already had bad luck with it but if you don't find a good counselor the first time out, then switch to another... and another if necessary... until you find the right one.

You can do it! I did. I'm not saying it's easy but it can be done.

Answer 4

I know what you are talking about, so I'll share with you what has helped me more than anything. You have the power in yourself to choose your response to those aggressive people in your life. Remember to take a brief moment to think in order to choose the response you are happy with. Don't let them push your button, by reacting quickly to their remarks. The key is to pause and choose. This gives you time to make a good choice. When you are alone, give some thought to how you might respond. Also, you may want to consider cutting some of these aggressive people out of your life.

Answer 5

Take some martial arts classes and master karate or kung fu or one of the disciplines. They give you focus, inner calm, strength and a sense of self. When you know you can take down those people physically (though that isn't the goal), you'll find yourself very relaxed and confident. You'll be surprised at the "aura" you give off when you trust your body and mind. Seriously. It's not about how you react to "them" -- it's how you feel about YOU.

Answer 6

Ok well to start with STAND YOUR GROUND! Look these intimidating people straight in the eyes and say "What gives you the right to act this way to me?" They will be so shocked, you will see the cogs in their brain turning!!! I did something similar to a bully in school. i turned to her and said "Why dont you like me? Why do you treat me this way?" She turned ot me and whispered "I do like you" and things were fine after that! Trust me, after u hav done it the first time it WILL get easier. Get a willing friend of yours to practise on! And do remember these people are the equivalent of school bullies. They are insecure so bully and intimidate to give themselves power and make themselves feel better. Dont let them! Be assertive! Good luck!

Answer 7

im in a similar situation actually i also get intimidated by poeple not i cant stand up for my self but because im a quite little *****.but when comes to standing up for myself inan arguement im good. my advice for u is read a book called cognitive therapy for dummies.it not a joke its a book.my only problem is social skills.i think im goin to ask a similar question.mmmmmmm

Answer 8

SHUT UP..... I MEAN IT... SHUT UP OR ELSE...... just kidding. I just wanted to have some fun at your expense. Well what your fear is being caused by is the fact that you are having an alien baby.... congats. better go to a doctor

Answer 9

What i would do is where you be afraid of people i would nicely go up and be friendly and introduced my self and not think of what poeple think of me or what i think of them just be yourself and be friendly