My husband and I had to purchase a radiator for his 17 year old sister and his mother just looked at it and di

Question

My husband and I had to purchase a radiator for his 17 year old sister and his mother just looked at it and did not offer to pay. This radiator was almost $200 and we are not made of money. We've had to fix a couple of other things on her car as well because her mom doesn't help her out. My sister in law is 17 and she goes to high school and has a part time job but she has to pay her mom the tuition for her schooling (like $215 a month), plus she pays her insurance and her gas and has nothing left at the end of the month. Her car broke down and needed a new radiatior so we had to buy it because she has to go to and from school and work. My mother in law didn't offer to pay us abck or anything when she should have bought it in the first place. How do we talk to her about this because we need the money back. My mother in law babysits our son sometimes so we don't want to be rude to her plus we all have a pretty good relationship and don't wnat to ruin it.

Answer 1

Honey, you do not HAVE to pay for things for your s-i-l. You do it because you are a caring person and you want her to be safe in her car, to be able to go to school and to work.
If you didn't care, you wouldn't do it.
I have people like her mom in my own family. And it seems the more money they have the harder they make the kids work (while trying to go to school) and pay their own way (senior trips, prom dresses, senior pics... all the things a parent should help out with). If another family member steps in & helps out it's because they want to, not because they HAVE to.
Unless you made arrangements with your m-i-l ahead of time for her to pay you back you shold just let it go.
If she were suppose to pay you back, mention something about needing something for your child, but that you can't get it "until you get some money".

Answer 2

Your husband...not you..needs to approach her about this. He should let her know he realizes money is tight for her, but that money is an issue for you as well. Also tell her that you admire your sister-in-law for her ability to handle so much at a young age, and that you have been happy to help her in the past, but that you simply are not able to do so any more. I would not ask for the radiator money back..you did that for his sister knowing full well his mother would react as she did. The sad truth is his mother will probably not change. She will more than likely get hurt and angry and that will have some effect on your relationship, even if only temporarily.

While having the conversation with her is important, it is also time to have one with your spouse about what you feel you can reasonably do to help out his sister the next time something happens..cause you know it will! You may not be able to give her large chunks of $$ at a time, but could you give her gas money every few weeks?? Tell her you'll do that and that the money she would spend on gas needs to go into the bank to build up an emergency fund. The young lady certainly seems to be proving her willingness to work hard for what she wants, so my bet is she will be more than happy to agree to this arrangment.

I do have to say that while I know how exspensive it can be to educate a child, and I am a huge supporter of teens and young adults having a share in the financial aspects of their lives, it is truely sad that your mother-in-law can't or won't help her more. Take some time to help your sister-in-law to look into scholorships/ financial for the school she attends (if she hasn't already).

Answer 3

Oh boy. Tough one. Make sure in the future you guys agree on who is paying half of what by saying, "We're willing to help, but...we can't afford the entire bill...How much can you contribute?" I think you might have to say, "Mom, the $200 we spent on sis's radiator was more than we could afford. Now we are worried about how to afford groceries or whatever. Can you help with this right now?" or something real diplomatic like that. I don't envy you this one! Best of luck. Let us know how it goes. Hopefully mom-in-law is fair and just about it.

Another approach is something like this: Mom, we need your help with something. Is this a good time to talk? Then tell the story and ask her what she thinks you should do. This has been very effective with our parents.

Answer 4

Tell her that you need to be compensated for the radiator. That's it. Period. She can't just use you and your husband as a bank. You need to let her know that. Plus, if she's even the least bit considerate then she'll realize that you asking to be compensated is not a bad or hurtful thing. It's just something that needs to be done. Otherwise, you need to stop paying for things you can't afford. This always leads to debt and that's not a place you want to go.

Answer 5

Just be honesat and open with her about your concerns. These types of things are understandably going to make someone upset, but as the mother, she should look out for the well being on HER child first! If she didn't have the money THEN she should have come to you and your husband and asked for help.

Answer 6

If what you are saying is true then you are just going to have to take the higher ground. Obviously your MIL is a self absorbed and not very nice person. You are helping your SIL out because it's the right thing to do and she is very lucky to have a brother and SIL like both of you. If I were you I wouldn't say anything.

Answer 7

if i was the 17 year old i would have taken mom's radiator out untill she payed my brother back. i also wouldn't be paying for my own tuition. i would be taking her to court (17 year old) to pay for it herself!

look ma, no car = no job = no money = you pay for everything

but, then again, i probably would have sold mom's car to get cash. or her refrigerator, or her dishwasher, washing machine,dryer, ALL jewelry, her computer. ANYTHING of value would be gone.

Answer 8

your husband needs to have a frank but kind talk with her. Just explain as you did to us, but it is his place to do it since it is his mother. Maybe she has problems you aren't aware of. Just remember to temper all your words with kindness. Sometimes kindness and honesty is all it takes. Good luck!

Answer 9

Sounds like a sad situation there.

Answer 10

Radiators do make the perfect gift, don't they!