my 14yr old daughter & problems in school?

Question

My 14 yr old daughter just started school, she has already gotten suspended for her conduct in school. This happened last year as well , she has a bad attitude with her teachers and I. She tells me that her teachers don't like her and she has over heard the teacher and the asst. pricipal talk about her and her friends, but the group of girls she hangs around are horrible. She says horrible things at times when she is upset and can't get her way(she wishes i never had her, she wish she was dead, she wants to go live with her dad). I am thinking of moving into a smaller town only because the teens out here are too fast and my daughter seems to be a follower. I talk to her and give her the beat advice possible. Do you think relocating will help a little with an attitude change?

Answer 1

As a new mama I really do sympathize with you. It's hard to be a teenager these days. And a parent of one too for that matter!

I'm not a doctor but my guess is that your daughter is acting out probably because of a pattern that you may not have realized has started. She wants your attention!! She gets it any way she can....so she is cuttin up and doing things she knows you don't want her to do....but it works, it gets your attention!

First of all when you you speak with your daughter you must be consistant, say what you mean and mean what you say! Let your yes be a yes and your no be NO!

Praise her when she does what you want her to and give her goals and rewards when she does them. If it's school work she is having difficulty with give her exercises and when she gets the objective after a small test (be creative) then reward her with lots of praise and even an outing just the 2 of you!

She needs a routine keep your home in basic order set times for waking, meals, bath and bed time....you can bend for vacation and remember it doesn't have to be too rigid.

All children need BOUNDARIES! Your daughter needs to know there are limits to her behavior. Which means what is and isn't acceptable. You need to set the rules and tell her what you expect!

Discipline goes hand-in-hand with boundaries...now you need to have firm and fair control. It may be an authoritative voice, warning, one-strike-you are out rule, take away the privledges of computer, tv or phone...etc.

There are 2 kinds of warnings. One tells the child what is coming next - like your bath is coming soon or your getting near to dinner being put on the table. The other is a warning of bad behavior. That gives your daughter the chance to change her behavior without further discipline.

Have you explained to your child how you expect her to behave? If you never explained how you wanted your daughter to behave she won't know how to behave. State the obvious and ask her if she understands why you want her to behave the way you do and let her and encourage her to want her to behave. How would you feel if someone treated you in this manner? Let her share and move on with that.

Restraint....this is a tough one! Keep cool. YOU are in charge. Don't answer a tantrum by a display of anger or shout back at your daughter. Don't let her wind you up!

Responsibility. Childhood is about growing up! So let your daughter grow up! Allow her to achieve things to boost her confidence and learn the necessary life and social skills. Get her involved in the every day family life. Making sure your expectations are appropriate and reasonable.

Quality time is important for everyone! Let your daughter chose an activity. Share and spend time away from the computer, TV, and other gadgets/toys. Go for a car ride, watch the stars, sit on the couch under a comfy blanket and share stories when you were growing up and your teen years with her.

Teenagers are tricky. It's a time where she will want more privacy and test the waters and sometimes want to be a child too! You have to show her that you understand where she is coming from and that she isn't the only one going through these tough times. She is trying to figure out who she is.

You may want to read a few books on how to talk with your teen. She is listening to everything you do or say. So if your behaving in a way other than you want your daughter to behave, then you need to fix that!

Remember how many times you have to tell her to clean her room, or tie her shoes you need to talk with your daughter and repeat those important things like don't talk back to adults, don't smoke, watch what you are doing, look both ways before crossing the street, don't drink or get involved in drugs, say please and thank you all that til she gets it on her own. Just because she is 14 doesn't mean you stop teaching and discipling.

Yes, she may be older, but some where down the road she had gotten the idea that she can talk or act any way she pleases. Just bring it back to the basics!

I could go on and on...but there are plenty of resources to help you in this area. God speed. Hope this helps!

Answer 2

Your daughter sounds like my 15 year old step daughter. She use to live with her dad and I until she saw she had to follow rules, show respect and do well in school. She hated everything about the small town we lived in called us and all of her teachers stupid and we didn't know anything. The few freinds she did have were just as rude and obnoxious as she was and the teachers gave up on her because of her attitude. This kid would throw temper tantrums worse than a two year old. Finally her dad had enough after the last round of threats with I hate you wish I was never born etc and sent her to live with her mom thinking a new school away from everything around here would make a difference. It did for the first few months and then her normal attitude resurfaced she was again in trouble at school among other things. She is now back with us and the first thing we did was put her into counceling and anger management. She goes to school comes home and has to earn the right to go anywhere. The counceling is helping a lot and we found that she was severly depressed and didn't feel she belonged. The move alone won't help you also need to get her into someone to talk to that can help her see that life isn't always fair and all of that. In a years time I watched my step daughter go from a beautiful loving kid to a fat lazy slob that didn't care about herself or anyone else but slowly we are getting the other kid back.

Answer 3

She is lonely and the outcasts she hangs out with are easy for her to connect with. She is 14 and NEEDS friends. Unfortunately the ones she has found will only reinforce her negative behavior. The fact is that (and you probably already suspect) she IS PART of the bad crowd, and has her own negative contributions to this group.

She will find another group similar to the one she hangs out with now if you move, even if the group may be smaller and more manageable, if you can't get to the ROOT of the problem before moving. (teachers+students in schools will label your child, once labeled it will be very hard to turn your kid around without moving)

My advise to you is to seek consoling with your daughter, and let her know that if she doesn't like the console that you will find a new one until she finds one she likes... it will be a great way for your daughter to vent, and be guided towards a more successful path in life. And as a parent it will give you a chance to learn from, and spend quality time with your daughter. When you feel like you are finally reaching her, don't stop the consoling, don't skip a day, or it will have been all for nothing.


- most kids will give a lot of resistence to the idea of a counsoler, but you are the parent, and you are in charge.

Answer 4

It sounds like she's in need of counseling. Moving may or may not help. Remember, there are good and bad kids everywhere, and running away isn't a good answer. Maybe if she's gotten some counseling and WANTS to change, then it might be a good time to move and get a fresh start. If she doesn't WANT to change, you could find yourself moving every year! And NOT helping her at all! Get her father involved, if that's possible and make sure she knows that you BOTH love her and want whats best for her. You know, going to counseling isn't a BAD thing! You could go with her and get some tips on communicating with your teen. SHE NEEDS HELP and she is reaching out. You have to tough enough to say, "This is how it's going to be! You are getting help!" She'll probably fight it, but don't give up! Good luck!

Answer 5

That could be way to take her away from her friens but her attitude will still be ther so you might try getting a councelor involved to see what is really bothering her. I am a single mother to and have ateenager boy who dosn't have his father around and cause we have a good communication i am glad i haven't had that problem yet. He does sometimes has this feeling were he wishes he was dead but that is cause he doesn't feel loved because his dad left him when he was two then came in his life last year and walked out on him again but he now nows that it was him who walked out on us and that i will always be here for him no matter what. So try fixing the problem from the root cause moving just might get her more angry with you. Best of luck and i hope things get better.

Answer 6

relocating wont change whats in her head now. there will be the same kind of kids anywhere u go so the changes need to be at home. talk to her dad and ask for help with her and support for the changes. get her into counseling if possible. seeing the school counselor and for gods sake stop letting her run with these friends. she is going to hate u for it but shes 14 and shes going to hate u anyway so do whats best for her now. u could save her alot of heartache down the road. meet with her teachers and her and get what she says out in the open so everyone knows whats going on. they can help point out her own behavior to her and you with no room to lie anymore. when she says those horrible things don't show her how bad they hurt just ignore and stand firm on the rules. expect her to try to manipulate around them so be ready with consequences for that behavior too. i have so been where u are and one day it will be over and hopefully this will have a good end for her so may god bless you both.

Answer 7

I don't know. You in a very difficult situation. It certainly can't hurt to relocate if that is a option for you. Maybe you need to check into getting her counseling. A friend of mine that I work with recently had the same problem with her fifteen year old daughter. She finally had to go before the judge. He put her in some type of home for disobedient teens. When she came home, she did a complete turn around. She was like her old self. My friend said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do but it seems to have been her best decision ever. Good luck to you, I hope you figure out what to do to make things right.

Answer 8

I think showing her who is the boss is the thing you should do. Don't be her friend be her mom. Kids lack so much discipline now days. Ground her ! Keep her away from those friends. go to the school & ask for help with her through programs they offer.If you can afford to move Do it if it feels right for you. One thing though I live in a small town & it is there to.I went to a football game & saw 11 year olds dressing like 21 year olds & cussing like sailors. I was shocked & thanking God that I don't have a daughter.If you could & if you attend church find one that help you get your daughter back. I will be praying for you cause I can imagine your pain. Just be firm & seek help for you both.

Answer 9

Yes, relocating takes the fish out of its familiar waters. That is a good thing. Before you go, however, please communicate to your daughter that she must work on building relationships and that it is perfectly natural for her teachers to dislike her if she is disagreeable and doesn't do her schoolwork.

Tell her that the purpose of going to school is to learn, and she must give up her friends. Do NOT tell her that you are moving, until it is a week or two beforehand, and definitely don't tell her WHY--make up a reason of your own, don't let her know it is about her.

She has become excessively self-centered and self-pitying, which is simply a matter of maturity. But if you can help her break out of it before she does permanent damage to herself, it would be a great accomplishment.

Answer 10

No- moving isn't the answer- putting your foot down on who she associates with, and how she treats you and other people is the answer- Does she wear alot of black- (goth?) There are some that act horrible- where yet, others act ok, except for their looks>(ex. hair , clothes, makeup) It's gonna be hard to control the things she does- but if you don't want her doing this stuff- for her own good- you are gonna have to crack the whip a little on her- Do stuff with her, go to mall, get hair done, go shopping, take her to lunch- Get inside her head- try to figure her out- so you can be on same level w/ each other-Hope it works for you- you shouldn't have to relocate- besides, changing where she lives, doesn't exactly change her!- Good Luck!