What to do about friends who doesn't come to their friend's birthday?

Question

Right now, I have a group of friend with me as the "leader". I know it sounds a little confusing, but in short, I have a decent influence within that group. The group consist of app 16-17 people.

We have various activities done in regular. Some of them are organizing some "small" event for the group members who's having birthday at that moment. Lately, one of the group member is having a birthday. And he plans to have a small feast and inviting all (and only) the group member to that small party. He has confirmed them that they will come, and he has booked the restaurant for 18 people.

But the thing happen is only 4 persons attended that party. 6 if it's including him and me. He feels a little upset and keeps sighing, even with a low voice, for the entire dinner time. I still feel sorry and guilty for what happened. So I decided to give the rest who doesn't come a little "lecture" about that. Do you think that what I gonna do is right? What I should talk / do to them?

Hey...! I don't understand why some people misunderstanding with me. I don't want to take a wrong steps, so I explain the details briefly in this question, including the details about my position in that group.

Sorry about that word "lecture" because my English is not that good and I can't find a better words to express something like "tell them about their mistakes and what they had done has making other people dissapointed, and hoping that they will become a better person to respect other people." not to mention that I may doing the same mistake too in the future, coz I'm not perfect.

I... don't understand why some people keep answering this question with a very irritating answer. Literally, I don't called myself a "leader". I just notice that I has a decent influence within the group. That's all. So I used the word "leader" so you guys could understand better, because English is not my mother language.

I don't mind if your answer is criticize me. But PLEASE state it nicely! I'm here in searching for solution, not enemies. I tried to give my best to this group, but some of you seeing me like I'm a villain.

I know I've risked to be offended when I stated myself as a "leader", because some people doesn't like to receive "command", if it's what you called. Therefore, I stated "leader" within the parentheses. And for me, I'm willing risked myself to be hated by my friend because I told them that they're wrong, than letting them move on and destroyed by their mistakes. That's what friends do, right? But in my position, it's hard to take an ultimately good decision.

I understand that maybe birthday is more less important as time goes by, and people grow up. But I think, keeping promises can't be tossed aside with the "grow up" things, right? We know that every successful person in this world knows the importance of "keeping promises". And if I don't letting them know if "breaking promises" is not a small (and can be tossed aside) mistakes, they can be accustomed to breaking promises in the future.

I don't mind if they had confirmed that they can't come. I've ever throw some events like that, and some of them confirmed to me that they can't come. And that's okay to me! Also for this person, I've calmed him down by saying "don't worry, maybe they had some other things to do so they can't come." but at least, like Loss' advice, they can told him if they can't come! It's what called "a man who have responsibility".

But I don't find a good way on how to tell them so that they don't feel offended. That's what I'm asking here... =)

Answer 1

maybe they have something else to do or they arn't real friends that dont give a sh!t about u or yur friend

Answer 2

I think you give yourself too much credit. You cannot control the actions of others, even if you really are the "Alpha male" of your group. I assume from your profile that you are still quite young; late teens or early 20's. I'm assuming most of your friends are around the same age. You will find that, at this juncture in life, boys will grow into men and become less interested in hanging out with "The Gang," and are more interested in discovering their own selves. They will want to be the Alpha in their own lives. Any influence you had over those people who didn't attend will have been lost. Chastising them will only lead to alienation.

This is what it's like to be an adult. People make their own decisions, and birthday parties are no longer the big affairs they once were in their lives, except at specific milestones (ie; 40th, 50th, 60th). Instead, finding a partner or spouse, starting a family, working on a career and generally making their own lives better will suddenly have become more important. It's all part of growing up, Mighty Martin. The birthday boy/girl will get over it as they also mature into adulthood and recognize this for themselves.

UPDATE:

If someone indeed made a "Promise" to attend but then did not without calling first to say he/she couldn't attend, then the proper thing to do is to simply not make plans with that person in the future. The fact that so many did not attend leads me to believe that nobody actually committed. What actually happened? Did each and every one of the 16 or 17 people actually say, "I promise I will attend?" Or was it more like, "Yeah, I'll try to be there"?

Answer 3

A lecture sounds a little strong. You could mention to them that the birthday boy was really disappointed that they didn't come to the party, especially since they all confirmed that they would be there. At the very least, they need to apologize to your friend.

There must be something else going on within your group that 11 out of 17 people didn't show up for a dinner party. Maybe you could find out what is happening & either try to fix it or divide your group.

Answer 4

If i knew my boyfriend changed into short of money i'd not anticipate him to spend alot on me besides, so i'm particular she wont ideas, i take it she is common with you're short. only cook dinner her an outstanding meal and get a bottle of wine (or inspite of you both like) and performance an outstanding nighttime in. Making the attempt to purpose this suggests more beneficial than popping out and procuring something. Looke for meal innovations on the web if you're not to any extent further a lot of a cook dinner. sturdy success

Answer 5

I think you need to have a talk with the people that did not come and find out why. It seems to me they were very rude in not coming after the said the would come to the party. After all booking a restaurant and making the arrangements is a big thing. It sounds like there is a problem you are not aware of.

Answer 6

If the people confirmed they were very rude in not calling to cancel - I would let them know how they made their 'friend' or other group member feel - not because I was the leader or faciliator of the group just because I don't like people to be so hurt.

Answer 7

It is not your job to chastise other people over their rude manners for that in turn would be rude. Your friend that threw the party can politely mention to the other friends that didn't show up that he did have a seat waiting for them, and he is sorry they missed it. I don't think you should go around saying you are the leader of friends...sounds like a gang, and eventually, the leaders always get voted off the island.

Answer 8

First, did he have to pay for the seats that he had reserved for those who didn't show up? In such case they should pay.

I don't know if a lecture will do any good, but he should point out that they should have told him that they were not coming. If they found out last minute that they couldn't show up then they could have called the restaurant. (If he didn't have a cell phone.)

Answer 9

Make a print of there names address and other details and make a caption that MISSING and those who found them will be suitably rewarded. Take the neccessary copies and send / show to your friends those who not turned up for the party. It is gentle way to tell your hard feelings.

Answer 10

Well, some people have busy schedules of their own. a lecture would be kind a rude. You should of had a meeting with everyone to plan a date that is convenient for everyone. They all have lives.

Answer 11

First off, come down from the clouds. You're too stuck on yorself - "...You as the leader"?. Are they your disciples? Give me a break.

Second, it's not your fault they didn't come. You don't know why they didn't. Or perhaps YOU are the reasons they didn't come? Who knows?

At any rate KEEP YOUR YAP SHUT!!!! It's not your position.