Can you help me advise a traumatized teen?

Question

One of my high school students witnessed his own father go on a rampage yesterday, shooting 4 people and killing 2. I was pulled out of class today because the boy had showed up and wanted to see me. I ended up holding him for a long time while we both cried. He is in shock and in need of wisdom that may be beyond me. All I can give him right now is love and support. I've already talked to 2 counselors on the boy's behalf, but am looking for advice on how to help further.

All of you offer such good advice. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

Be there to listen. Don't give advice unless he asks. He is probably feeling a lot of things right now, and advice may be construed as judgment. He needs to feel like he can trust somebody, and that he will not be judged. He may just want to talk, or he may just need to feel safe. The best thing you can do is just be there.

Answer 2

What an absolutely dreadful thing for this kid to have witnessed. He may need a psychiatrists help, but he came to you, not anyone else....he obviously felt you could give him what he needed, and you did. Involving anyone right now, especially without his consent could be devestating for this kid. He would be in total shock and you were the first person he turned to.

Follow his lead, just be there for him. You have a life too, and probably cannot meet all his needs, so you might have to sit him down and explain what a horrible traumatic experience he has had, tell him you want to be there for him all the time, but sometimes you wont be able to, and here are some phone numbers of wonderful people who I know will be able to help you too. Make some enquires, get some phone numbers of other professional people he would be able to call, when you are not available. This is a huge burdon for you and he is going to need a lot of help, so you are going to need some help too because if you do it on your own then you will eventually have no life of your own.

What a terrible situation. You must have some wonderful qualities if you were the person he chose to be comforted by, so he will listen to you...he obviously respects you, and if you give him phone numbers of other wonderful people, then he will believe they are wonderful people because you said they were and he thinks you are pretty wonderful. You really cant do this on your own, its a huge responsibility and could end up engulfing you if you do it alone.

Answer 3

You should do some serious soul searching about how much you want and can be in this kid's life. If his dad flipped, his home life may have always been dysfunctional. If he was the care taker, his guilt will be different than an ordinary teen. You may be the closest thing he has to a stable, responsible adult who sees and values him for who he is. It goes without saying that he needs counseling, but you may want to get some more on this for yourself. Be there, listen, and support him for the time being, but if you're not able to be an adult mentor for him over the next few years, be careful how you step out. Given what's happened, it may be really rough for him and feel more like abandonment - another adult who didn't care enough to stick by him.

This has got to be tough on you. Make sure you have a good idea what the role you play may mean, and don't loose site of your own needs and capabilities. Good luck. I wish I had a teacher like you.

Answer 4

you should just tell him that just because his father done such a thing doesn't mean he is bad or that he will turn out like that because a lot of children when they are witness to such terrible things the first thing that comes to their mind is that they are going to turn out like that and two maybe they are going to get hurt well mabe that is backwards depending on the situation and just reassure him that he is safe and that no one can hurt him other then that he needs spiritual help the last thing they need to do is dope this kid up on pills he will really have problems teach him that when he is scared that he can ask God for anything ~~~~Good Luck you were choose to help this kid for a reason I hope my words help you and no I'm not a holy roller I don't even go to church but religion helped me in my time of need when I was tramatized as a child and it still does today

Answer 5

I doubt I can tell you anything you don't already know, and from what you've said, I think your instincts on how to interact with him will guide you better than anything anyone can tell you anyway. Furthermore, everyone is different, and everyone's situation is different, so all anyone can tell you about what to tell a kid in that situation are generalizations about how a typical kid reacts to a situation somewhat like that. People will say "kids need this," or "kids will think this," but that's not necessarily what this particular boy needs or feels. The main thing is listen to him if he wants to talk, try your best to adapt to what it seems like he needs, and really just be there for him. Whether or not they'll admit it, kids, even in their teens, depend on their parents a lot, and he's just had whatever shred of stability he might have had at home ripped out from under him, so just having an adult there that he can trust not to flake out on him is really important. I don't know what his home life is like, but if his mom is still in the picture, she's probably just as traumatized as he is. And whatever going on at home, he came to school for a reason. He asked for you specifically, so he presumably trusts you, probably more than any other adult in his life right now. Just be there for him.

Obviously he'll need help from a professional therapist. But it will take a while for him to start to trust that person, and you might be able to help him some in the mean time. Make sure he knows that what his dad did isn't his fault, and that it doesn't mean he's going to be violent or "bad" too. But the harder thing for him is probably going to be that this person he's, at least to some extent, looked up to all his life has done something that we generally thing of as unequivocally bad. I don't know the details of the shooting, but if there's something in it that can make his father seem less bad, like that he's mentally ill instead of just "bad," that might help. I know there are various studies that attribute violent behavior to certain physiological abnormalities in the brain, but that might be a dangerous road to go down as the obvious extension of that it's that it's a heritable condition. I'm sure you've already heard all of that anyway, and I couldn't even tell you anything specific, but that's all I've got.

But for what it's worth, he's better off than a lot kids in similar situations because he clearly has at least one person who cares about him enough to help. Most of the people I've met who came from bad home situations and succeeded anyway have said it's because some teacher somewhere along the way took an interest in them and helped them out. Just being there for him when he has no one else to turn to, and letting him know you do care what happens to him can make a huge difference in his life.

Answer 6

Sounds like you are doing what is best and that is being there for your friend. He does need some kind of couseling, but the mental hell he is going through right now is just that ...hell he has to get to the point where he can start sorting things out in his head but don't push him it has to happen on his own timing. Just be a good freind and be there for him and when he needs it reasure him that everything will be ok. someday.

Answer 7

I think that you have probably done well already if it's you he wanted to see. But, maybe besides the obvious listen and empathize advice. I would strongly suggest that you try to emphasize to him that he is going to feel a lot of different emotions about all of it in time, and that EVERY emotion he feels is absolutely o.k. to have. He can feel angry at his father, and he can love and miss his father at the same time. And that these are all going to come and not to let any ONE of those feelings change who he is, because he is all of those feelings and he is good.

Answer 8

I know as a teacher we are not even allowed to hug the students anymore. So we have to resort to high fives. But in your situation i would have done the same thing.
The best help you can be for him is just to let him know that you are there for him. To listen. Sometimes, it is best to just be there, and let them know they are not alone.
Also there are victim outreach services, that can provide counsel to those who have gone through traumatic events. But as a teacher, it puts you in a very unique situation. I understand that. So help him find the support systems he needs, and just be there for him to listen. And even just to sit, and cry with him. You do need to be careful though with the emotional connection that he Will undoubtedly have with you. So don't be afraid to also keep your boundaries in check. Kids like boundaries, it makes them feel secure, when there world is falling apart.
No one can ever understand an act like he witnessed so making sense out of it, is impossible. And he needs to know he was innocent in it, and it was not his fault. So he holds no guilt.

Answer 9

Is poor boy obviously trusts you. You must be a dedicated teach for him to reach out to you.

Can the school or local community help him find the finances to pay for professional counselling

This cant have been easy for you either good luck

Answer 10

I agree with sandcastle. Be there for him. It's the most you can do. Most teens [I'm a teen myself, so I know], don't really want advice in a dire situation, they want a shoulder to cry. So be there.