My husband is a youth minister at a church where the pastor has verbally abused both my husband and myself and also has tried to destroy our ministry. Things calmed down while I was pregnant, but are slowly starting to regress again. This man is good at "campaigning" for himself, and has the entire deacon board in his pocket, so we are not sure telling would do any good. I could tell many stories about how this man has hurt us, and probably has done some major damage to my husband's career.
We can forgive him, but before we leave (which is soon!), should we tell the church what the pastor has been doing so the next minister does not get the same treatment? Or should we leave it alone for the sake of unity (it would probably do some major damage)? If you think we should tell, what is the best way to handle it? I told a church member something he said without naming names, and she was outraged (wanted to know if I had told the pastor, lol!).
2006-09-11 14:16:52 · 31 answers · asked by mountain_laurel1183 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
gerald- the reason we are leaving is so I can go to graduate school moreso than because of the pastor. Although the pastor does make it so we count days (not literally)! :) We have been strong about it for nearly 2 years. I think we passed the "be strong" test, lol. :) Also, it makes it very hard to serve God when most of the time, these things happen right before a service. It is hard to forgive in 30 seconds so he can move on to serve the Lord. The counsel of our family, friends, and his religious professors is to leave--a year ago.
2006-09-12 03:00:41 · update #1
gerald- the reason we are leaving is so I can go to graduate school moreso than because of the pastor. Although the pastor does make it so we count days (not literally)! :) We have been strong about it for nearly 2 years. I think we passed the "be strong" test, lol. :) Also, it makes it very hard to serve God when most of the time, these things happen right before a service. It is hard to forgive in 30 seconds so he can move on to serve the Lord. The counsel of our family, friends, and his religious professors is to leave--a year ago.
2006-09-12 03:00:52 · update #2
oops, I have NO idea how that double posted! Sorry! :)
2006-09-12 03:10:26 · update #3
That's so difficult.
I don't believe if you left it alone, it would be helping with unity, because a pastor who has issues like that needs to be corrected before he can be unified with his brothers and sisters in Christ.
I think what happens a lot of times in many churches is that the pastor becomes overly proud because of their position (when really, they're using their pastoral gift to serve, and shouldn't be considered more important than the rest of the church). The Bible tells us that God "opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble", so you can be sure that if this is the case with your pastor, the Lord will not bless his ministry, and you can also be sure that whatever you decide to do, if it is done with an attitude of humility, you'll be blessed. If you decide that people need to know what has happened, and your motives are right, which I believe they will be, it will be ok.
Also, seek the Lord about it (I'm sure you already are), and listen to what He may be saying to you about it, whether it is through His Word, or through your feelings, or whatever. A lot of times He directs me by feelings. I could think something is the right choice, then the Lord will give me a strong feeling about it that tells me the other choice is right. But I honestly believe that even if we don't think we're getting clear direction, He's helping us make the right decisions when we remain close to Him, when we continually seek Him.
The Bible tells us that we have the responsibility to correct one another when we see our brothers and sisters falling. Your pastor obviously needs to be corrected, and it seems like he probably would not receive it very well from you, so perhaps it would be best to talk to others who are in leadership at your church. Make it clear what your purpose is, so it doesn't just seem like you are trying to cause trouble, and hopefully they will be able to give him some correction. We all need this at times, and I believe too often those in leadership do not get corrected when they are wrong, especially senior pastors, because people tend to regard them as more important than everyone else.
I am a young person in leadership, and I believe the Lord has given me a pastoral gift. I think it's so important to always remain humble. I believe from what you've said that you and your husband are humble people, and that should help you to do what you need to do without being "trouble makers".
It is such a tough situation. But remain in the love of Christ, pray for your pastor, and pray for guidance. I believe the Lord will help you!
God bless you
2006-09-11 14:42:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This really makes me angry - and I am so sorry this has happened to you and your husband. Our church has been through 4 youth pastors in 8 years - Im not sure why you are leaving, but I wonder if you have the support of some of the parents of your students. Perhaps if you shared with a handfull of parents in the privacy of your home what has been happening, to see if they could give you some direction on how to proceed. Perhaps there are 3-5 parent couples who would be willing to confront the pastor and see what he has to say for himself.
I hope you are leaving because you have found another opportunity somewhere, and not that he has ruined your reputation and forced you out.
I will say a prayer for you both tonight - for God's will to be done and that your church will know the truth and be set free. God bless you and your new baby.
2006-09-11 15:18:41 · answer #2 · answered by Kare♥Bear 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is there a main organization within your denomination that you can report to? Some place that is over all the churches of your denomination in your district? If there is, I'd go there. If you say something in the church and the people are more inclined to believe the pastor than you, then they will probably report you to whoever is over your district. You could get a bad reputation. If there isn't anyone to report to, then you can always turn it over to the Lord. Ask Him to open the eyes of the church body to what is going on. God can expose anything and get it taken care of. He can also cause this pastor to repent and be a good pastor again. Actually, taking it to the Lord is what you probably should do. God can give you guidance also on what steps you should take, if any.
2006-09-11 14:24:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have an obligation & responsibility to the pastor & the church to hold him accountable for the wrong he has done.
I would suggest your husband & you speaking privately with him (bring an objective 3rd party). If he shows no remorse, you have no option but to take your concerns to the Deacons. If they will not support you, then move on to the other leaders in the church - SS Teachers, Mission Leaders, etc.
If you sit back & do nothing, you'll be doing more harm to the congregation than good. Unity does not mean blindly following along with someone, it means being of like mind & purpose.
Sounds to me like this pastor has forgotten his calling & his Caller.
2006-09-11 14:46:33 · answer #4 · answered by azar_and_bath 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does your church belong to a conference? Meaning is your church part of a larger body, if it is you can report this abusive pastor to the "higher ups." If your church is a single entity, well you have to do the morally right thing, being a pastor represents God. Your lifestyle and ideals change to reflect the life of Christ. This man should be reported, he should not be allowed behind the pulpit, if his life is not in line with God and clearly it is not he must be removed.
Write a letter to the board (your church should have one), explaining the situation and that you would like this pastor evaluated based on his conduct towards the brethren (off the pulpit.) Don't be afraid to stand for what is right. It is not an easy thing to do but God is on your side, stand for Christ and Christ will stand for you. Believe it!
2006-09-11 14:34:40 · answer #5 · answered by Firebird 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should absolutely tell the church... Wish them all well. Explain to the pastor you have had enough of his abuse and are leaving the church as a result of it. Tell him that is not how you wanna lead a church with that type of treatment. Then pray for him that God will help him with what ever burdens him. If your Husband is a loving youth pastor....he should have no problem finding another church to serve in. Glod Bless you and your husband!
2006-09-11 14:25:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The best way is perhaps to confront the pastor himself and discuss the issue with him and your reason for leaving the church....He may not be aware of his problem and not know the reason why this is happening...some people choose not to confront the issue and let it go on because their jobs are on the line and so they would rather let somone else tackle the issue so that they will not be blamed.
Honesty is the best policy and by discussing the problem with your pastor, he might very likely be aware of the problem and realise the unhappiness he has caused especially to you and want to be reconciled.....after all that's what Jesus taught us to do....read Mt5:23-24. Also remind him about the 'Our Father' prayer and it's importance.....might put some sense to him.....why imitate what others encourage you to do?.....surely you don't want to be in their state of low mentality?
If you have done your part in your ministry, God will bless you in many ways....revenge isn't want of them...imitate and be perfect as your heavenly father is...others will see your example and will respect you for that.....You seem to have a gift of recognising troubled areas and perhaps the Holy Spirit is asking you for a way to deal with it...Pray and ask for guidance always.....whatever good comes out of it will definitely come from the one above!!
It is not easy following the ways of the Lord but by sacrificing ourselves, sometimes it is because God wants something good to come out of a bad situation..you will need a lot of support and encouragement... Good luck and you will be in my prayers....
2006-09-11 14:57:30 · answer #7 · answered by singirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Record and document exact words used in his abusive tirades. Tape telephone conversations. Tape meetings. Have other witnesses. Names, words, dates, times. Document document document.
2. If you can manage it, make a way for somebody else to witness his abuse.
3. Confront this "minister" with his SIN. Don't hold back. This is an offense to God as well as man. Is he married? You may not be the only one he abuses. SOMEBODY HAS TO STAND UP TO HIM. VIDEO-RECORD THIS MEETING. If he repents and apologises and makes amends, then drop it. If not, proceed to step 4.
4. Contact his spiritual superiors. They do exist, unless you belong to a completely independent denomination! Find the BISHOP, or whatever else there is in your denomination, and report your concerns and your charges. Be very specific! Do not leave anything out in an attempt to "spare his feelings".
5. Approach the church board IMMEDIATELY AFTER calling the bishop. Ask for a meeting. If they won't listen, then you may have to confront him IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH.
You have a responsibility to stand between an abusive man and the Body of Christ. Because he holds a position of leadership, he is subject to a greater degree of scrutiny than the "average" Christian.
Be certain, be bold, and be strong.
"Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, that the rest may also fear."
2006-09-11 14:41:43 · answer #8 · answered by MamaBear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps the pastor is not aware of his reactions and is spiritual blinded for some reason. You should go to the pastor with your accusations and if you are not satisfied, then take it to the directors board of the chuch and if that do not work, then he will need to be expose to the whole congregation. Then if the congregation is not willing to do anything, then it becomes a legal matter.
2006-09-11 14:30:00 · answer #9 · answered by JoJoBa 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think your pastor needs to be held accountable for what he's done. Chances are if youth pastors keep dropping like flies the congregation will know something is up but you should facilitate some action. What good is unity when your leader isn't worth following?
2006-09-11 14:20:25 · answer #10 · answered by Jackie 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋