This is a weird situation, but my wife has not had a father-daughter relationship with her father since she was 4.
Her parents divorced and the father moved away and never visited my wife.
He called her on her birthdays and that's about it.
She hasn't spoken to him in 3 years and we got married 2 years ago.
My wife didn't send him an invite to our wedding or even bother to let him know. She just told her aunt and assumes she told her father.
My wife only talks to her aunt (her father's sister), she doesn't speak to anyone else in her father's family.
We are hoping to have a baby soon, should we tell him?
Should we send him a card when the baby is born? Or should we just send her aunt a card?
He isn't a bad person and my wife doesn't have any grudges against him, she just thinks he wasn't the father type.
What should we do?
2006-09-11 11:27:49 · 16 answers · asked by HappyHippo 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
That's very complicated. I had a similar relationship with my father. He has been in and out of my life. The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago, my son was about 6 months old. Before that it was about 10 years. I now have 2 kids and I haven't bothered to let him know. I figure he knows where I am and how to reach me, if it's important to him he will make contact. I also have a stepfather who adopted me at the age of about 12. He is an alcoholic who is not much of a father either. Same with him. I haven't talked to him in over 5 years either. He and my mother divorced when I was pregnant with my son. I found out that he was actually upset that he had to find out through the grapevine that I was pregnant with my 2nd. But again, I figure he knows where to find me. He has made no effort whatsoever to have any relationship with me or my kids so I'm not going to put forth the effort to tell him he's a "grandpa."
Anyway, it sounds like your wife is not bitter or anything (like I am), maybe you should ask her what she thinks. A card probably wouldn't hurt. But if she is uncomfortable telling him then just let the aunt do it for you. If he wants to see his grandchild he will come around. If not, I hope that baby has lots of other grandparents to love it.
Good luck!! I know how you and your wife feel.
2006-09-11 11:39:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you should respect your wifes wishes. He never tried really to make any contact with your wife, so why should you do anything but trust your wifes opinion. I don't have a relationship with my father and in the begining of our marriage my husband tried to push me to make a relationship with him and it caused arguments between my husband and I.
Also my moms father wasn't there in her life, but the day I was born she called him and told him he was a grandfather and he was excited, but he never made any attempt to be in my life either. I saw him 7 times my whole life, the last time I saw him I was 15. It was hard becasue it was like when I was with him, I was everything, but If I'm not with him, he forgets about me.
So if your father in law wasn't the father type, chances are he's not going to be the grandfather type either.
2006-09-11 19:03:22 · answer #2 · answered by Muslimah 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is an answer only your wife can give. If she doesn't have a relationship with him, only she knows why and how strong her reasons are.
If she wants her father in her life, then she'll do what needs to be done to have it.
Sometimes having children gives us a different perspective on our own childhood. Maybe your wife is rethinking her decision to keep her father at arm's length.
Good luck!
2006-09-11 18:54:51 · answer #3 · answered by Myrna B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, leave it up to your wife to decide. My hubby has a 'stressed' relationship with his father, and they rarely talk. When our son was born, he never told him. He ended up talking with him when the baby was about 6 months old. When they do comunicate, it always opens old wounds, andis really hard to deal with for him. Let it be her call, as she is going to be the one having the feelings surrounding the situation, that you nor I with my hubby will ever fully understand. If it was me, I would wait till after baby comes as it may cause un needed stress and hurts that arn't good when tryingto concieve or are pregnant, and if he does react in a way that upsets her, it may upset her through the whole pregnancy as emotions run wild. Good luck withthe situation.
2006-09-11 18:41:05 · answer #4 · answered by shrimpseys 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Suggest to your wife that Aunty host a baby shower for family and friends -- and invite him too. This is a joyous occasion and he should be included. Also take a lot of pictures at the shower so you have something to save for the baby.
No family is perfect and since he's OK, there should be no reason not to include him in things.
2006-09-11 18:37:36 · answer #5 · answered by Lynda 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. No matter what sort of father he was, it's his right to know that he has a grandchild. He did call her on her birthdays and you never know why he wasn't more involved, maybe he has problems that he thought was best to stay away. Don't be critical or judgemental, at least let him know and send him a picture every once in awhile. He DID at least call every now and then.
2006-09-11 18:31:11 · answer #6 · answered by wellbeing 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would definitely talk it over with your wife, first. Don't go contacting him on your own, because you would be forcing your wife to deal with him and she might not want to.
But since she doesn't hold grudges against him, she might think it's a great idea, you never know. Having a baby of your own can make her think more about her own father. But talk to her first!
2006-09-11 18:37:21 · answer #7 · answered by banana_fan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want to take a chance of her father coming into your life then I would tell him, Sometimes a baby can bring family members together, so think about it, But then again he might not care.your best bet is to just tell the aunt. GOOD LUCK!!
2006-09-11 18:35:21 · answer #8 · answered by Gina G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Send him a card, what is it going to hurt. It may just be the little kick in the behind to get him interested in his family. Good luck.
2006-09-11 21:56:06 · answer #9 · answered by morris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's about to become a grandfather, he should certainly know about it. This might affect his relationship with his daughter...it could affect his will. There are a number of things to consider here.
2006-09-11 18:34:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋