its been going on for years, i just want to spend time with my own family, me and my wife always end up fighting about it. how do we tell her we dont want to go anymore with out hurting her feelings?
2006-09-11 09:13:30 · 22 answers · asked by ? 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
First you and your wife need to be on the same side about how much time to spend doing what, then you can address the rest of the family.
For me its best to start with the positive and emphasize it throughout. Tell your wife how much you value her company and the chance to spend some of your "down time," when you can be more relaxed than in the day-to-day chaos, just with her and the kids. Emphasize that this is because of how special they are to you and that it is really important to you to get this chance to reconnect with them. Ask her if she values that too. This should get you two on the same page.
Next you need to implement it. So tell her, you really want to make it a priority to spend "X" amount of time "alone" with her and the kids per week. Figure out before you talk how much time this is - one weekend afternoon per week? one full weekend day per week? Then ask her to help you to make it a priority, maybe give it a sort of name like family day or something, and make a date of it. You really need to have some event or at least an agenda of things to do together around the house that involves some fun, otherwise you are vulnerable to the "no-plan" syndrome - if you have no plan then it is hard to logically resist someone who barges in with one! You can make a little bit of a big deal about your special time together a couple days in advance, to make sure everybody remembers and is looking forward to it. Maybe you do some chore type project - wash mom and dads cars together one weekend, tear down the swimming pool another weekend - for part of the day, and the other part you either go somewhere together or have a plan at home, playing games, reading the sunday newspaper, doing everybody's homework together - it depends on your family and what you like, just pick a focus.
Then, if someone tries to join in or change your plan to get you to do something else, you should say, we would really love to, you know how much we love spending time with you, but we already have plans. If they are still trying to barge in just say, this is our time just for us and its really important to us - but its important to us to spend time with you too - can we plan something together the next day or next weekend?
Now as far as cutting back, if you are really serious about not hurting feelings you may need to phase this out gradually not all at once. Set a goal of half as much time together at first, see how it goes and how that feels. I think if you just get some boundaries about your time you will feel better and can actually enjoy your inlaws at times.
Good luck.
2006-09-11 09:39:09 · answer #1 · answered by kellyault20001 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, first, make sure your wife is on board. If she doesn't agree with you, then the two of you have to work it out first.
But, if your wife agrees with you, you need to shoot the family straight. It's the only way to come out clean in the end. So, try this approach:
"Jane, it's been really nice having the last few holidays with you, but we're ready to have one alone. We'll let you know when we're ready for a joint holiday again."
If Jane wants to know why, all you have to do is say, "We just want to enjoy a holiday alone, that's all."
Above all, don't make up any phony reasons for the change--just tell her we want something different now. If you start in with reasons, you start peeling a really stinky onion. Even if you do have reasons for not wanting to go with her, don't mention them. They should be water over the dam, and not to be used to hurt her.
2006-09-11 09:23:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh this sounds like my family. Everytime I want to go to the zoo, my husband is like, "Let me call my sister and see if she wants to bring her kids - these two wild little girls who are 7 and 5." I now know better and don't even bring it up - and sometimes I will say to him that I would prefer to just do things with him and not involve anyone else. His family is very family-oriented and he sees his cousins on a regular basis - we are always going to get togethers. I find it annoying....it's best to just be honest and say what you want - otherwise it will never stop.
2006-09-11 09:17:20 · answer #3 · answered by Rachel 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just tell her. honesty is the best approach, but it doesn't have to be cold. tell her you are really looking forward to spending time alone with your wife and/or kids and that this year you will not be vacationing together. if arrangements have already been made and you haven't spoken up yet, then swallow it like a man. Bite your tongue, but make it clear six months from now that your vacation will be for immediate family only. have a great time. if they have to come along, arrange as many excursions for your own group as possible and leave it up to them to entertain themselves. if you're going camping, etc, you can still get privacy by insisting that your area is yours.
bon voyage
2006-09-11 09:22:49 · answer #4 · answered by soobee 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why doesn't your wife go with her sister on her own? Then you can spend time with your family.
But if that doesn't work, well, you'll just have to come clean and say it outright. Otherwise spend half your holiday with the other crowd and half with your own family.
2006-09-11 09:18:15 · answer #5 · answered by Orla C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You obviously don't want to be honest with them, so why not tell them you got a deal from your employer for a cheap holiday, but can only get a certain number of places. Then you can boast about how cheap it was and make them feel even worse :-)
2006-09-11 09:25:14 · answer #6 · answered by chillikebab 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop the fights before they begin, you have a mouth don't you, are you capable of saying no, it seems that your sister in law does not hesitate to take advantage of you, tell her (not your spouse) what you told us, that you just want to spend quality time with your family, she has had her chance all these years.
2006-09-11 09:24:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you will have to hurt her feelings to stop your hurting. once you do it give her time to get over it and allow her to be annoyed but she'll forgive you and see reason. just book something and don't say unless you are asked. if you don't argue you can't fight. state it as a non-negotiable fact. what ever she says say 'i'm sorry you feel that way but this is how it is' unless you are respected by someone why would you want to go on holiday with them?
2006-09-11 09:23:31 · answer #8 · answered by minerva 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
THe best piece of advice I can give you is this:
1) Book the holiday yourself for the group
2) Tell them you're all going to St Pete's.
3) When you get to the airport tell them they are off to St Petersburg Russia and you're off to St Pete's in Florida, you and your family will laugh the whole plane journey and believe me it'll resolve it once and for all
4) Blame the travel agent for being a dizzy blonde
2006-09-11 10:13:37 · answer #9 · answered by gillian r 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be firm and tell them in a kind voice you want to spend quality time with your spouse. If they don't wanne hear, just insist and get over it. Or you can tell them okay we'll go if you pay everything for us and then pick Las Vegas for example as a destination.
get your own life even if it means a row. your life is important as is your privacy
2006-09-11 23:52:50 · answer #10 · answered by trytostayanonimous 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋