i was married for a long time and got divorced a yr ago, i have three children and im 37. Im dating a 32 yr old woman who has never been married and wants atleast one child. I have told her im not sure if i want more children or if i even want to be married again but she still sticks with me and i dont know what to do. I dont know how i will feel in the future but i know i cant ask her to wait cause that isnt realistic. I should probably let her go or just hang on?
2006-09-11 08:41:55 · 39 answers · asked by patrick b 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Women have a tendency to do this. They pretend to hear what the man is saying but in the back of their minds they are saying "suuuure you say that now but you will change your mind later". I know this bc I have been guilty of it. I ended up getting extremely hurt bc I really belived I could change his mind. Sit her down one evening when everything is calm and calmly but firmly let her know your stance and make it clear you arent budging. If she says shes ok with it well then its on her now. But you have to make it known, very well known. (sometimes we just dont get it the first time lol). I would say if she still isnt really getting it then it would be best for her in the long run if you just let her go now. I wish my guy wouldve let me go before. Eventually it turns into a painful game that no one intended to play.
2006-09-11 08:46:04 · answer #1 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs to have a baby - she's at that age where if she doesn't have one soon - the oppertunity is going to pass from her in just a few more years. I know cuz I'm a little older than her and I sure would like to have some kids too - before it's too late.
I guess it depends how you both feel about each other. Do you really love her and care about her - and does she feel this way about you? You were married before - so I'm guessing you have some idea of what love is or is not. So, if you are planning on being with her for the long haul - maybe you should concider having a kid with her - and not put the idea totally out of the picture. Children are a blessing - as I'm sure you know.
You have only been divorced a year - I have been divorced about 2 1/2 yrs - and to be honest it is hard for me to think about getting married again -even though my boyfriend asks me to run off to Vegas with him just about every day... But I'm beginning to think it's a good idea - and yes, I wanna have kids (for the first time)...So, what I mean is, it takes time to heal from a divorce - I'm sure you probably never want to go through that again? So, try to take some more time to heal and take things easy.
2006-09-11 08:59:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First things first, you need to talk to her about how you feel, just like you did in this question. She's staying with you for one of two reasons, A) She thinks you'll eventually change your mind on having more children or B) It doesn't matter to her that you don't want more children. She would LIKE to have children but it's not a requirement for her to be happy. I speak from experience here. I'm a childless women who is dating a man who has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I wanted children when I met him. After I saw how hurt and confused his children where from his split from his wife 4 years ago, I don't want kids anymore. I feel as though statistics are against me that my children won't end up the same. I'd rather give up my selfish maternal urges to procreate then to have a better chance then not to hurt my children with a broken family. Besides, I'm not going to ask him to hurt his children further by having a 2nd family, if you know what I mean. I don't need kids for the complications it would cause. Ask your girlfriend in more detail if you two not having children will be an issue on a long term basis. Get it all out on the table now before it IS an issue.
2006-09-11 08:53:02 · answer #3 · answered by Tall Blonde Spaz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only you and you alone can answer this question. Maybe you should take a step back. Breathe. Stop stressing! I have an idea on maybe how the 2 of you can get through this. Instead of you avoiding what she wants, you 2 should seriously take some quality time with pad and ink pen. Actually do the pros and the cons for your future. Write down the questions that concern the both of you, have 2 columns on paper, one for Pros and one for cons. Pros will be what's going to work for the both of you. You both are in agreement. The con is what's not going to work for either one of you or both. Then weigh the situation and try hard to come up with a solution.
2006-09-11 08:50:13 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand your ground. I am a 31 year old women who was married for 8 years and had one child from that relationship. I re-married two years ago and my new husband wants a child. He is alot older then me (15 years older) and he has a 23 year old daughter and two grand-daughters. I told him up front that I loved him unconditionaly but that I DID NOT want any more children. Now, this seems to be my personal demon. Its all he talks about and hes obsessed with the idea of another child. I definately think that this will be the death of our marriage. So, please don't get into the same situation as me. If you can get away with it then I suggest that you go get yourself fixed and never tell her!
2006-09-11 08:53:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have a serious heart to heart with her again about these issues. Tell her you do not want more children, you do not want to get married - and that she is not going to "change" you (for some reason people think they can change people who feel this way). Tell her you care about her, but that if she wants marriage and children you are not the guy - and you will understand if she wants out of the relationship. After this - if she continues to hang on - still wanting these things (marriage and children) - it is her fault.
2006-09-11 08:47:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good question, and it sounds like you have a level head on your shoulders to go about this.
You can't ask her to stick with you if she really wants to get married and possibly have more children. Love isn't always everything as I'm sure you know, people have aspirations in life that they want to meet.
You two should talk it out, tell her exactly how you feel and that you would be hurt if she left you, but you understand. Let her know that you are unsure, that you might not be able to handle another divorce.
It's up to you, but things in limbo tend to go sour sooner then later.
Best of luck to you.
2006-09-11 08:45:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are very wise to see that her wanting kids and your not being sure will cause a problem, it doesn't matter how much you love her or she you, until she changes her mind or you discover that you do want another kid, it will be a problem. Now you have to ask yourself if you want to invest anymore time in a relationship that may not ever go anywhere.
Sit her down, just the two of you with no distractions and talk to her, really talk and tell her your feelings. Make sure she understands what you are saying. I'm not trying to get Dr. Phil on you but she needs to be able to tell you what she hears you saying. It's not fair to her or to you to waste anymore time. Especially her since her clock is ticking. If she knows she wants kids you do owe it to her to let her go and find someone she can start her life with.
Good Luck, let us know how it goes!
2006-09-11 08:43:56 · answer #8 · answered by BlueSea 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well my bf and i have been togeather 3 yrs we are both divorced and i have two kids, he has none and i cant have anymore and he says well maybe he wasnt ment to have kids of his own because he met and fell in love with me.
Hes 37 and im 30.
He excepted my kids as his own and loves them and if they were his.
But if your sure you dont want anymore and you know that she does then she is sticking around hoping you will change your mind then you need to firmly tell her its aint happening.
If she really wants kids of her own it would be selfish of you to let her keep waiting for you to make a decision.
2006-09-11 08:48:00 · answer #9 · answered by bree30 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just wait it out a little bit longer really think about things like is this a woman i want to be with the rest of my life ? or ask a question like do i want more children ? i know this may be a hard thing for u to decide but just think on it . it sounds like this woman really loves u alot and she still sticks with u no matter what and do u really love her ? try to just tell her how u feel about the problem what ever u do good luck and may god be with u
2006-09-11 08:46:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋