How long is too long??

Question

My 17 yo daughter totalled our truck and got arrested for DUI. She's working to pay her fines and is genuinely sorry for what she did. She knows she made a huge mistake and she let us both down. My question is, how long should we ground her for? Its been two months since the accident, she's working and going to school. We took her cell phone, satellite and everything else away from her, she hasn't gone out anywhere with any friends during this time. Is 2 months long enough? Should we decrease her grounding little by little or what? Haven't had this experience before and don't know anyone with kids this age to ask.

She's never done this before. I had lost a very close friend of mine to a drunk driver on graduation night years ago. I explained to her how much it hurt and I made her promise to never drink and drive, that if she drank, to call me and I wouldn't be upset. I'd rather come get her than have her drink and drive. I think she is more upset that she let us down than anything. Its a long story, she isn't a drinker but got very upset that night and drank, what she didn't know, she was drinking straight corn liquor. I've stressed how fortunate she was to not have been injured and how would she have felt if she had hit and killed someone else. Usually, she cries and says that she made a huge mistake and will never ever do it again. I want to believe her. Her dad thinks she should be grounded until she's 21. She's already talking about leaving home which we don't want, but now that she has been grounded a long time, she mentions it more often.

Answer 1

It's good to see that she is working towards paying off her fines and trying to make up for her mistake. I would start giving her a few more privledges back, but I would trade privledges for community service. There are so many kids out there that skirt the line, maybe she could work in a youth center giving speeches on what happened to her and how it has changed her life. I would say 10 hours CS= mobile phone back. 15 hours= more time with friends. You could set it however you like, but I would make sure that others learn from her mistake. Good luck.

Answer 2

I think more important than being sorry is that she needs to realize that what she is going through (punishment wise) is actually the BEST outcome of the ordeal. She could have been killed, or killed someone and spent the rest of her life in jail.

Personally, I don't think 2 months is long enough. At 17, this is a serious, serious offense. If my son did the same, 6 months would be a good start.

And when you do start letting her regain privileges, I would do it a bit at a time instead of just saying, "OK. you're free to do as you wish." Maybe start with the satellite and go from there.

But to me, the biggest thing to impress upon her is all the horrible things that could have happened. Being grounded and losing your cell phone is a blessing comparatively speaking. Be creative, make her find some stories of teens killed in DUI crashes, or who killed their best friends in a DUI crash and then had to go to jail for it. Make her realize what a big deal this really is. Its not about the truck, or the jail, its what could have happened.

Answer 3

My daughter had a provisional license. Could not drive after 9 PM or before 5 AM unless working until she got her full license in 9 months.

She was one week away from getting her full license when she left the house at 2:00 in the morning and was in a wreck that totaled her truck. The accident was not her fault but we were still furious. What if she had been at fault and killed someone? The insruance company would not have paid. The truck was in our name and not hers.

So instead of grounding her we sold the truck, cashed the insurance check, had her surrender her license to DMV and let her ride the bus to school. If she had activities and could not get a ride then she sat at home. She had to quit her job cause she could not get a ride back and forth.

Sometimes treating them like a child as far as grounding is not the answer. She is a minor but just a few weeks from being 18. Time she learned that as an adult that are serious consquences for bad judgement.

She is now trying to work at odd and end jobs to get enough cash to buy another vehicle. She thinks it is difficult and regrets everytime she baby sits a brat for very little money that she went for a joy ride that night.

When she turns 18 we will match whatever money she has saved to help her get a another vehicle. She does not know this but it is our plan. We let life teach her the lesson and not us so the anger and hatred was directed at herself and not us as the parents.

Answer 4

I think that she should be grounded for at least 6 months then start to give her things back. But, do not let her go to her friends or with them any place for at least a year or until you feel like she really is sorry and is responsible enough to handle things without mom and dad there. She is very luck that nothing major happened in the accident. She could of taken someones life, just because she didn't doesn't make the situation any better. Drinking and driving is the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. I have kids.... what if she hit me and my kids and killed one or more of us. How would she feel and how would you feel about it? You need to make sure she doesn't get into another situation like that. She needs to go to AA meetings also she needs to meet people that lost family member or that were hurt due to people that make a mistake by drink and drive. Get her help!!

Answer 5

Was anyone injured in the accident that totaled your truck? How much longer until she pays off her fines? Had she ever done anything like this before? Is she getting good grades at school?

There are a lot of factors to consider. I think she she be "grounded" of sorts for the entire school year. But begin to give her back a privilege at a time over the course of the year until she has them all back at graduation time.

Answer 6

Wow. First, I'm really sorry you and your family have had to go through this. But it is great that you and your partner / husband have taken steps to discipline your daughter. I admire that.

You wouldn't have posted if you didn't want others' input, but it's important to remember that no one knows your daughter better than you do. She is your little girl! You talk to her, spend time with her, discipline her, love her, and changed her dirty little diapers! Gathering ideas from others is fine, but we strangers can't get into your daughter's head as you can.

Just make certain that you and your husband or partner make these decisions together, in total agreement.

Personally, I like your idea of decreasing her grounding little by little -- allowing her extra freedom for good behavior. But I would wait longer than two months to start that.

In the meantime, I'd suggest talking to her about it often. Since she's respecting your authority, taking this disciplinary action seriously, and working to pay her fines, you should tell her that you are proud she's taking this like a woman! : -)

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 7

If you believe she is genuinely sorry, and is working and going to school. I think you should start easing up now, and end her grounding around 3 months. With conditions. Like no drinking, give her a curfew, etc.... Give her an inch little by little to make sure she doesn't fall back into the same kind of behavior.

Answer 8

Well if she is doing everything she needs to do start gaining your trust back, I would give a couple things back to her. I would give her phone back to her and let her go out with her friends one night a week. I wouldn't let her drive for awhile I would assume her license as been suspended so when she gets it back I wouldn't let her drive. The only way to know if you can trust her again is to put trust in her. If she continues to do well, then I would give her back things one at time. Let her know that you see that she is trying to make things right and that you are proud of her for taking the responsibly for her mistake. good luck

Answer 9

Well my kids are not as old but I would think to decrease the punishment little by litte.......like next month she can her tv back......then a month later her phone......but I would wait at least 3 more months before letting her out with her friends......oh and I would make her curfew shorter.....like if her curfew was midnight I would make her come home at 11.......

Answer 10

I would say 2 - 3 months is long enough. She seems to be doing well without her cellphone and other stuff like that. If she is making an effort, UNGROUND her. Its always good to give people a second chance.

CYA!