am I being selfish?

Question

My girl and I are getting married soon and we just found out that her uncle has lung cancer (i'm the guy who asked how long can a person live with lung cancer) and I don't want to postpone nor cancel my wedding only because her uncle didn't care enough for his health, I don't know what am I going to do if he dies before we get married. Advice and criticism are welcome.

Answer 1

As a smoker, I feel no remorse in saying you should NOT put your wedding plans on hold. Yes, smoking is an addiction, but no one put a gun to his head to have him START smoking. That is a CHOICE all smokers make for themselves. A wedding is a complicated event that can't just be put off til the next weekend. Unless he is immediately terminal, the wedding should take place. Even if he can't come, he could enjoy seeing the photos. It might also be the last time he sees some of the family if there are members coming in from out of town.

Answer 2

Hard to give advice with so little information. How does your fiance feel about her uncle? Are they super close? Has she said she wants to postpone or cancel the wedding if he dies or just because he's near death?

You're pretty harsh, man. People can get lung cancer even if they've never smoked a cigarette in their life and others, like my grandfather, smoke their whole lives but live to be 96.

You can still get married even if he dies before. My cousin's FATHER died right before she was supposed to get married. They simply postponed the wedding for a month and skipped having a band/dance at the reception. It was a subdued but lovely reception with all the trimmings: cake, champagne, etc.

How about eloping to Las Vegas and getting married there then, later, when it's convenient have a reception of your friends and family to celebrate the union (after he's died or whenever your fiance is comfortable having the celebration)?

Just how soon are you getting married? What does your girl say and feel about this?

Answer 3

first of all, how close is she to her uncle? If she is really close then you might want to do a civil ceremony and then have the religious wedding whenever you planned. That way he can attend the civil wedding (don't tell other people that you are already married just keep it a secret.) My brother in law did this when he found out that his soon to be mother in law had cancer and would only live 2 more months. That way she could be at the wedding but then everyone could attend the big wedding later (in their case 10 months later). People know they were married earlier but they don't know the date (got to love secrets like that) and they celebrate the religious wedding as the actually anniversary.
If she isn't that close then I wouldn't change anything.

Answer 4

I don't know if you're being SELFISH, per se, but it does sound like you might lose your fiancee if you can't be a little more tactful.

One of the things that many men cherish about those they love is the compassion they have for others. I think you might just be a little bit jealous right now.

If you had already set a date for your wedding, you might gently tell your fiancee that if her uncle had the choice, he probably wouldn't want to interrupt the plans. Indeed, it might give him joy to know his niece is taking a husband.

If you only recently became engaged and have not started planning the wedding, I can imagine your anxiety over thinking that if "Uncle So and So" lives three or four years, your life is put on hold.

I'm pretty sure your girl must be overwhelmed by emotion right now. A good marriage can only be built on patience, understanding, and of course: honesty. Unless you want to lose her, let her know that you want to marry her, when you want to marry her, but that if she needs time to work through things, you'll be there for her in whatever capacity she needs you. If you can't say that truthfully, she deserves a better man, and though the diagnosis for her uncle is tragic, she will be better off finding out that you're not the right one for her sooner (now) than later (after you're married).

Yup, marriage is all kinds of grown up. It's not all honeymoon all the time. But in the end, it is worth it!

Answer 5

Is he on his deathbed or was this just the initial diagnosis? My uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1987 and was told he had a year to live. He passed away in 2005. A diagnosis doesn't mean much but if he's already hospitalized then you might want to consider postponing a while. It would really suck to have him pass away and try to celebrate with a wedding while everyone else in the family is grieving. Tough situation to be in. And no, you're not selfish. You have a right to feel the way you do and it's only human.

Answer 6

Personally I do not think you are being selfish, just curious. My Grandad passed about a year ago from brain cancer..they gave him 6 weeks and he went two YEARS beyond that. The beat thing I could say is talk to your fiance' and see how close their relationship is..another little tip..I am 29 and married 3 times. Postponing the wedding will not make much of a difference..if it is meant to be, it will be..now or a year from now.

Answer 7

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think this is selfish at all. In fact, I think it would be selfish of the uncle to expect you to cancel the wedding. You have a lot of money, etc, invested in it.

Is your fiancee really close to him (I wouldn't generally concider an uncle a very close relative. It might be different if it was her father.)? Is he dying right now or just going through chemo?

Btw, death is a part of life. We can't stop living worrying that someone will die.

Plan the wedding, and hope for the best.

Good Luck!!! LK

Answer 8

If you care about your soon to be wife and soon to be family and she wants to wait, then I think you should. You cannot push someone in doing something they dont want to. Wait untill you are both ready so you can enjoy your wedding day together, I mean would you be happy if you are getting married and your uncle is in the hospital dying. I could not get that out of my mind. Think of others and how they might feel, before you think about yourself. I'm not saying what you have so say about it does not matter, but it will show that you care about ppl around you, and the ones you love

Answer 9

Life must go on. Weddings a re great way for families to come together and leave the stresses of everyday life behind them..even if it is just for a few hours. My grandpa (who I am extremly close to) had a severe heart attack a moth before my wedding. No one in my family even thought to postpone the wedding. He ended up pulling through (which I know isnt quite the same as in our case) but he was still in the hospital when I got married. Thankfully he was doing well enough to come to the ceremony with a nurse. The point is..LIFE GOES ON. And as hard as it is for your fiance' and her family, they may welcome the chance to remember the joys of life...even if they are unwilling to admit it. Good Luck, Congrats, and Best Wishes.

Answer 10

I don't think you should change your plans. Would he really want you to? If it was her dad it might be different.

Contrary to the belief of most brides the world does not revolve around their wedding date. If someone can't make it or is sick its not the end of the world for them or you. I'm sure her uncle would want you to continue your plans as they are.

If she wants to postpone because she is upset, maybe she should talk to her uncle and see what his wishes are. Again, I'm sure he would not want her to change her date. As we get older you will find that more and more people in our lives fall ill or pass away. Although it is sad, you cannot constantly adjust your life around it. She may be shocked and upset because the news is so new. Give her some time before you decide.