How do I deal with my new sister-in-law?

Question

My husband and I were engaged for about 2 years. Prior to being engaged his sister only talked to me long enough to ask me to watch her kids, once she found out we were engaged she was in my face and always wanting to plan things for the wedding, having 3 sisters of my own I didn't need her help and she turned sour towards me. This past week she sent me an email asking why I treat her like dirt all the time and explaining to me that I'll never understand the relationship she has with her brother and wants to know why I'm so "mean" to her when in actuality I just chose not to talk to her instead of being mean. I replied to her email in one sentence and said I needed time to process all the things she told me and she replied to me that I needed to do it quickly because she's been crying a lot lately and that she told her mother to talk to me but she just can't wait for that so she contacted me-via email.I think she's crazy and have no idea what to do about her immaturity any suggestions?

Just to clarify, we just got married 3 months ago and she is just starting to figure out that I don't need her help with everything. She is always trying to butt into our lives and i'm just looking for a polite way to deal with the situation. She dragged my mother in law into it so I called my MIL last night and just explained that I have every intention of talking to her daughter and that I didn't feel the need to put her in the middle and I didn't want her to think that I was some horrible person. It was just easier for me not to associate with my sister-in-law when instead of being mean to her face but she is taking my not going out of the way to be nice to her as me "treating her like dirt". I guess I just need a nice way to tell her that she's 33 and I'm 23 and there's no need to drag her mom into this or cry about it and just understand that I'll do my best to be nicer but that we don't have the same interests and don't enjoy doing the same things.

FYI as well, I'm 23 she's 33, I just got married, we're building a house, I work full time and am finishing up my bachelor's degree part time. I am very far from immature and don't consider myself selfish at all, I was just looking for polite ways on how to approach the situation, thanks anyway Collen O.

Answer 1

You sound like a responsible and intellegent person. You're sister in law on the other hand, does not. Pushy people who think about themselves first and others second need to grow up and my advise is to tell her just that.

Answer 2

1st off you should have let her take some part in the wedding or plan a shower or something. She is a sibling too. You weren't the only one getting married....her brother was the other half of that wedding. Regardless of how many sisters you have, you were immature and selfish to not let her have some part of it, even if it was a small part. You may have not known her that well at the time but your husband did. His family is as important to him as yours is to you. She can't help she was born female and was not able to be a groomsman. She wanted to share in her brother's happiness as much as your sisters wanted to share in yours. You hurt her feelings about the wedding. That shouldn't have taken place to begin with. Now however, she needs to get over it and YOU BOTH need to get along for your husbands sake. It is not fair to him to be in the middle. She doesn't sound crazy to me she just wants this all put behind her and doesn't know how to do it properly. You both need to give each other a chance to be family.............You married him and she's your family now too.....How would you feel if you had a brother and your husband disliked him but you didn't?

Answer 3

I would just explain to her that you had planned to have your sisters help you with your wedding since you were children.
As for the being mean, explain to her you werent sure how to act towards her as to not make her feel as though you were being mean so you decided to just not bother her with you lack of knowledge for these situations. So you havent called her. I dont know how you are but I have always really had mostley guy friends so I explain it that way when a girlfriend or someone gets upset. I was raised with mostly guys around so I am not as in tune with how women might take my actions. I am sorry and how can we start over and make this better?
MOST females are willing to work with you after this. But you would have to make the effort to call at least 1-2 a month and maybe send an email each week. This is how I have learned to balance my relatinships as to not anger anyone.
Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Maybe it is YOU who are being immature. Your sister in law has attempted to reach out and befriend you and all you can do is turn the cold shoulder to her. She obviously has a close relationship with her brother and wants to remain not only a part of his life but become a part of your family as well. So you have three sisters of your own, I was the one responsible for planning MY sister's wedding and I can honestly tell you that I would have welcomed ANYONE'S in put and help. Frankly I just think you're being selfish.

Answer 5

I think you should tell her that u understand her and her brothers realationship and that you would never come between them but you are stressed lately with everything and that you never meant to take it out on her that you are sorry and make a lunch date or something so u two can become closer. It is a big change for her also even though it is your wedding she doesnt want to feel like you are taking away her brother

Answer 6

Just give her some time. Time heals all wounds. If you want, ask her to help you with something else. That might cheer her up.

Answer 7

Tell her you have a wedding planner and you really don't need her help but thanks anyways.