My new step daughter, 11 years old, has a attitude problem and when I try to be nice to her, she's just plain hateful. Nothing ever makes her happy. Her daddy spoils her and whatever we do for her, its never enough. I know what it's like to have a step-parent, I was the same age when I my mom married my step-dad. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I want her to like me, better yet love me! but I can't let her disrespect me. Any suggestions?
2006-09-11 06:29:46 · 16 answers · asked by hrs1975 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Oh, boy...
My stepdaughter and her dad became "family" with us (me and my children - seven altogether, but not all at home by then) when she had just turned 12. She's 15 now and the attitude hasn't changed much. My situation is similar to yours in that my husband and I have two different methods of parenting (I single-parented 7 children... so I learned to have clear rules, be strict, accept no guff from any of them and they were expected to be responsible for their own stuff, behavior, homework, etc early on. No spoonfeeding!)
This child was raised by a mother, father and grandmother who gave her whatever she wanted, gave her no rules or boundaries, didn't notice what she did most of the time, and the result is that she was drinking out of a baby bottle and wearing fake fingernails all at the same time.... she was getting D's and F's in school because no one made her do homework or valued education... as long as little princess was happy. She stole from others if they had something she wanted. She lied any time the mood struck her. She manipulated the adults around her to get her way and if the answer was still no, she did it anyway, why not because there was no repercussion.
My best advice to you is this: Ideally, your husband will back you up when she's disrespectful to you and not tolerate that behavior from her. If, however, he wusses out like mine has... or just doesn't see it as hateful or disrespectful... you have to say something anyway and not allow it.
If she thinks you're trying to make her like you or love you, she will see that as a weakness because it puts her in a position of power. The best results I've gotten are from adapting the attitude that I did with my own children, which is "I am the adult. You are the child. I am doing my job and until you are mature enough to know what is best for you, I will be making those decisions. Rules are rules and if you break them, there will be repercussions. It's fine if you hate me at the moment. Parenting is not a popularity contest."
Be clear with what you expect. Sit her down and tell her "I've noticed that you often speak to me rudely, even when I've been nice to you. That is not acceptable. You will not be permitted to speak to me rudely. Each time you do, you will sit in time out for 11 minutes/do 20 push-ups/write an essay about being polite to adults/get two swats on the bottom/etc (choose your own repercussion) Do you understand?"
It would be best if her father were there nodding and saying "What she's saying is true. You're not permitted to speak to adults in a rude way and that rule hasn't changed. It applies here as well. (Insert your name) is my wife and while she's not your mother, she is your stepmother, and you need to behave respectfully toward her. I hope we're clear."
He needs to be told, away from her, that him spoiling her makes you very uncomfortable and you don't feel it's doing her any favors in the long run. Then you don't spoil her at all. Do what needs to be done for her, no more. If you do anything extra, she needs to be directed (by her father) to say "Thank you."
My stepdaughter had never said "thank you" for anything her whole life. When I met her, he'd bought her new shoes at least once a month since I don't know when... she redecorated her bedroom (yes, sheets, curtains, pillows, comforter etc) about every 3 months or so... it was changed out whenever she got tired of it... which was often... it was just ridiculous. Never "thank you"... just "now get me this."
Don't worry about having her like/love you. Just make sure she understands that love does not equal getting everything you want. This is the lesson I'm still trying to teach my stepdaughter. A parent's love for a child should equal doing what's best for the child. Rules are what's best. Teaching them how to do the right thing is what's best. Giving them boundaries is what's best and teaching them that doing for others is more important than having it all yourself is what's best.
I took my very selfish and spoiled stepdaughter to the local Thrift store to help sort clothing for the less fortunate... I've taken her with me around the neighborhood collecting non-perishable food items for a local shelter... she's done volunteer work with me for several organizations and I make it a point of telling her about this family or that... children and people we've helped... and let her see up close and personal the way other people live, how little they have and how grateful they are for the help she has to offer. It seems to be making a bit of headway.
My stepdaughter has learned that when everyone else is too busy to help her or notice that she needs something, I'm still there noticing. I don't run to her rescue at all... but she knows that even if she hates it, all the decisions I make for her (from the clothes she wears to the books she reads or the snack she has after school) are all well-thought-out and what's best for her. She gets it now. She still hates it sometimes... but she gets it.
I just have to keep telling myself "I don't care if she hates me. I'm just going to keep doing the right thing and she's not going to be allowed to disrespect me for doing that."
I did have to give up on the touchy feely aspect of being her stepmother. It still gets to me sometimes... but I have just found a way to comfort myself with knowing she'll turn out better because I was in her life directing her path and if she's 30 before she realizes it, that's fine :)
Good luck to you... to both of us!
2006-09-11 06:56:14 · answer #1 · answered by thegirlwholovedbrains 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
That's a tough parenting question right there.
Continue to love her and show her friendship. Lead by example. Let your light shine. Direct advice or an answer to a certain situaiton can vary too much to answer your question with a simple response.
Definately talk to your husband about this. If he won't talk then continue to "bother" him about it. He can't be blind to it, can he? Let him know how you feel. But don't be too overbearing about it, just continue and approach him with sincerity and concern about the situation. The one to get thru to your Step-Daughter in the end on your behalf will be her father.
It also makes a difference if the child does or does not live with you fulll time or just every other weekend. If it has been a recent divorce he had, or if she is bitter about the divorce. Does her "real mom" get along with you and your husband? That will makea difference either way. There are so many variables to this question...whew.
lastly and foremost, prayer, lots of prayer.
2006-09-11 06:41:58 · answer #2 · answered by ○Freeman○ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you want her affection you need to earn her respect. The only way to earn her respect is to not give into her every whim. Of course one of the first things you need to do is get both you and your new husband into counseling because if he spoils his daughter he is doing more harm than good. He may be overcompensating for the divorce.
Be positive but firm. Never back down from what you know is the right thing to do. Your husband needs to understand that now that you are married, you must be his #1 priority (that's biblical). When it comes to his daughter (your step-daughter) you need to have a united front when it comes to the rules of the house and parenting issues. It is also a good idea, if her mother is still involved for you to make an effort to establish a friendly relationship with her. It is important for her mother to know that it is not your intent to replace her but rather you goal and desire is to compliment her and to be an extension.
By doing this you will have the mother's respect and in turn it will be easier (not easy) to gain the daughter's respect and that will eventually lead to her affection.
I hope this helps. God Bless.
2006-09-11 06:41:09 · answer #3 · answered by big_dreamer2005 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're the adult and hence the should be the bigger person (not literally).
Continue with your kindness yet stay stern and don't do anything ridiculous. Communication is the key, try to build a bond through talking and spending special moments like painting nails or going to the movies. Just don't spend too much money or let her have extraordinary privelages because that is setting a false image of you and how you want to be thought of.
She'll come around, it takes time and patience and persistence.
2006-09-11 06:41:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
U should try to to let her know u and remeber that taking a parental place is never easy u have to gain their trust and rember treat her as ur own daughter cuz she is so make the move and try ur best. there r times when u guys would hate each other but there are also times u really love each other be a good mom .
2006-09-11 06:37:08 · answer #5 · answered by John k 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through this or lets say it is an ongoing battle. But not as bad anymore. I wouldn't allow her to disrespect me but I also had to take time to be with her. Let her know she is part of the family. She is my daughter now. It is really hard but, you cant give up or become bitter. I know have a great relationship with my daughter. You also can not allow your husband to let her be disrespectful to you. When he stands up for you she will recognize that it is not OK. From My experience I found that my husband was the hardest one to deal with . Once he supported me it was better. But it took awhile.He like yours saw her as a princess who could do no wrong. Your best bet may be to talk to him.Don't let it interfere with your developing relationship with her.
2006-09-11 06:36:22 · answer #6 · answered by loladoreen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop trying to "win" her affection. You have to let her know that there aren't going to be any treats if she's nice to you.
She probably is feeling insecure and thinks that if one male role model has left her then you aren't going to stick around either.
You have to make her feel secure and that you are there for her as well as for her Mum and you're not being nice to her just to get to her MUm!!
Think back to how you felt when you're Mum remarried, you can sympathise with her but you can't let her take over, she has to realise that you and her Mum are togetherbut you're both still there for her and love her.
Don't rush her, she will come round in the end.
2006-09-11 10:23:53 · answer #7 · answered by yumyum2chestnut 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for her. You are not her parent and she knows that so don't try to set rules for her that is her dads job. Your husband needs to sit down with you and her and let her know what is accepted and what is not. She is just jealous of you being with her dad. Be firm with her but don't try to be her mom not yet anyway. Why not have a day when just you take her out go to the movies and out to eat or maybe to pick up some clothes. let her know it is just you and her. become her friend first. Tell her dad to make sure she knows that she is still important to him but that you are just as important to him.
2006-09-11 06:36:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
first of all good question........I dont have any kids, but your stepdaughter probably has the same natural resentment most kids do when their parent remarries. just give her some time and she'll probably come around.......and remember that she already has a mom, so dont try to "act like one" try to be her friend, but yet stand your ground and dont let her walk all over you, she has to accept the fact that her father chose you and you will be a part of her life whether she likes it or not, plus she's 11, and most 11 preteens go through that nasty phase anyway.... give her time, I'm sure she'll come around...try to do things with her that are of interest to her and open up the line of commuinication...oh yeah, rent the movie "stepmom" with Julia Roberts and Susan Surrandon and watch it with her, maybe that'll help......
2006-09-11 06:36:05 · answer #9 · answered by diva 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ignore her when she needs you she will come around
But then you come through in a responsible way for her
let her have time don't hound your old man let him deal with her Bull****
I was a Single Dad with two girls
and several step-moms
2006-09-11 06:35:36 · answer #10 · answered by tacoma_fast_ball 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I have a 12 and 14 year old one boy and one girl. i can tell you.im not sure but i no my two kids dont like anything anybody does dont give up i see rays of lite out of my girl. dont push let it happen love will come if you let it!!! hold on to what you think is best for her and alllllll ways comunicate with all !!!
2006-09-11 06:40:41 · answer #11 · answered by carrieroehl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋