I've been dating this guy for 4 months. Yesterday I found out that he lied to me about certain things in his past like being phsically abusive to his past two wives. I am a single mother and he has never done anything to me, except he likes to play a little more rough than I like. My question is, upon learning this information, should I just leave him? Or make him go to counseling and give him a chance? or what? I'm conflicted because I have to look out for my daughters best interest first, however, I am in love and he has been good to me. What should I do?
2006-09-11 05:55:03 · 22 answers · asked by Cathy J 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
people can change for the better but some paid a very high price to learn the hard way.
if you really love him, you should accept him for who he is and not who he was.
people make mistakes. if he is changing for the better and he also loves you, then give each other some more time to evaluate the relationship.
it is not easy to turn back time you know?
of course, you should give both you and him some time before really committing further while maintaining the current status quo.
mercury of love
2006-09-11 06:03:00 · answer #1 · answered by mercury of love 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am sure he was also good to his past 2 wives in the beginning... Abusers do not come out of the gate abusing it is a gradual process... He is already "playing" rougher than you like, that to me is a warning sign of things to come...
You mention being conflicted, that's your own mind telling you this is not a good choice...
Confront him with your new found knowledge, ask him to attend counseling alone and with you... His reaction to the confrontation will tell you a lot..... You can not make him go to counseling, you can ask him to go but the decision about whether or not he feels he needs help is ultimately his to make...
If it were my choice to make I would pull back and break off the relationship there are already several warning signs waving... As my grandmother used to say "I don't have to wait for the plane to hit the ground to know it's in trouble and going down...
2006-09-11 13:06:07 · answer #2 · answered by Diane (PFLAG) 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, if a man lied to me he'd be history. Already you not only have a man who lies to you, but he was abusive in the past and he is rougher than you'd like now. Four months is a very short time. I would cut it off now before I got more emotionally involved. This man has character flaws that are apparant already and you need to protect your daughter not only from physical harm but from being raised by someone of this nature. I don't believe in counseling a 4 month relationship. It's best to move on.
2006-09-11 13:03:42 · answer #3 · answered by sunnyca 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1st of all u shud evalute the evidence, does it come from reliable sources??. if it turns out that it does, then i wud really think about whether u r able to accept this mans behaviour and whether or not u r willing 2 risk it with ur children. At the end of the day ur children shud always come 1st bcoz it is them that it is going 2 effect 4 the rest of their lives. u r at the beginning of a relationship and now is the time 2 either take the risk or severe all ties. really think about it b4 making n e decision as it is 1 u r going 2 have 2 live with.
2006-09-11 13:00:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find out what he's done to help himself since his failed relationships. Maybe run a background check to see if he's ever been arrested.
If it becomes a distressing issue in your mind, whether he does something abusive or not, I would bail b/c you have the reservations already. Time will only expose more doubt unless he attacks you, then you'll have no doubt at all, will you?
Be well~
2006-09-11 13:00:00 · answer #5 · answered by Dookiee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cathy Cathy Cathy......please run run run! ABUSIVE TO HIS PAST TWO WIVES? That is enough to tell you he is not marriage mtl. Not even dating mtl. Men who are abusive usually don't start out being so. They want to earn your trust. Your life is not only at stake but your daughters. What you put in front of her as a man is what she will choose for a boyfriend, husband etc. one day. Don't set her up for an abusive relationship. Reread your question - pretend it is coming from a friend of yours. What would you tell them? I know it is hard to let go of love but it is even harder to get out of an abusive relationship. He didn't do this once but twice. He will do it again.
2006-09-11 13:01:58 · answer #6 · answered by Stiletto ♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a few mistakes in the past does not mean that he will continue to do it. do not go accusing him or asking him, just look for the clues or signs and have an eye out on your daughter. you may be in love but abuse is worse than being single.
2006-09-11 13:01:54 · answer #7 · answered by katz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue on but be very careful. Yes, he has been good to you, but he has also lied or withheld information. The first sign of smoke, get out of there. Finding out that information was like the sign that warns you that there may be smoke. But when you actually see it, dont wait around for the fire!
2006-09-11 13:00:16 · answer #8 · answered by superbad~honeydip 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he thinks he needs counseling, he'll have to make that decision himself. You have your daughters and yourself to think about. You are not his helper, doctor, friend, etc. In only 4 months, he's starting to show that he's a liar and untrustworthy.
Cut your losses before he become violent towards you or tries to use your daughters as leverage against you.
2006-09-11 13:00:25 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds pretty scary about playing rough and all - that plus the not telling you about previous spousal abuse X2 is enough reason to break it off with this guy. He WILL eventually beat you and maybe your child too....Run for your life!
2006-09-11 12:59:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋