i am 23 and currently in a 5 year relationship (hittin' 6 in a couple of months). It is serious as u would expect for a 5 year relationship. We have talked about marriage (but nothing too serious) and we both kinda decide to wait it out til' I at least finish my degree (which is in another 2 years time). But the thing is he is my first boyfriend & i haven't been with anyone besides him. And i often find myself fantasising/desiring someone else. I feel stuck in this relationship. Our parents/family/friends are all expecting us to get married soon-ish. And i cannot imagine telling him this. It would break his heart. I feel like i'm doomed to continue on this relationship. I guess doomed is a rather exxagerated word to use..but i really do feel that way. He treats me good..he even brought me a brand new car recently & I feel obliged to stay in this relationship. i'm scared that if i do break up with him i will never find someone as good as him..or even someone at all.
2006-09-11 01:43:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Claire, being curious is one thing---but I noticed you posted this question a bunch of times. I also noticed that NO WHERE in your post have you said you LOVE THIS MAN. You are unhappy and miserable---already. And not married. Yes--a good guy is hard to find---but you shouldn't have to stay in a relationship without being in love. Don't settle. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to go out, explore, have some fun...be your own person for awhile. YOU ARE STILL SOOOO YOUNG. There is no rush to get married. When you finish school, you will be out there working, making money, getting started, looking for a home...etc. And you will be meeting even more people and doing new things. EXPLORE!
People have doubts--yes. But, it sounds like you have already figured out that you have GROWN APART. It's not going to improve in time. Don't worry about others. Think about your life. I think the best thing to do is talk to your guy about how you are feeling. Figure out what you two should do now...versus getting married, and then adding children because that is what everyone EXPECTS you to do. Maybe you two should take a short break and test the waters. Or instead of breaking up completely, date each other...and take a few steps, stop talking about marriage...and spend more time with your friends. If you are going to date others, make it clear. If he is as good as you say--and truly cares about you, he will understand. He might not be happy about it, it might break his heart....and he might find someone else....but that's the chance you have to take. Also, he might already suspect this is going on with you. And he might be feeling the same way.
People do grow apart. Especially with young-age relationships because of all the changes young people go thru. This happened to me. I dated someone from age 19-26. We were so in love in the beginning...and then slowly went in different directions as we went thru college, made different friends, different interests and entered the work force. I liked going out, he liked staying home. Eventually, he met someone else--at his job...and it broke my heart. However, truth be told....I probably would have done it to him if I could. But, I felt much like you--stuck---and afraid I would never find someone else. I was unhappy and settling for what was out there in front of me. And stayed in the relationship probably 3 yrs too long. I felt like I wasted a lot of time. But, I found someone else. And he's a great guy. Sometimes I think about how my life would have turned out if we got married, just like everyone thought we would...and expected us to....and I cringe. It would have been miserable and loveless. We were together a long time, and the relationship was special....he was my first love and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I think stuff happens for a reason and my relationship was meant to happen and turn out exactly how it did. And I don't talk to my first love anymore. So be prepared if you chose to move on, and don't find love in the cards between him and you....you may not ever speak again. Or he could turn out to be the best friend of your life...just not the love of your life.
I think you will never fully give yourself to this relationship until you have had a chance to be "you"....for awhile. Or resent him if you don't do it. You should follow your heart, and be happy. Good luck to you.
2006-09-11 02:40:27 · answer #1 · answered by crazymom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to your mother at all about how you feel? Do you have the kind of relationship where she will understand and give you the right advice even though she may want something different?
If so, then please honey, go talk with her and tell her exactly what you have written here, including the words "doomed".
If not, then here is what I would tell my daughters (who are 23), and what I did tell my daughter continually up to the very moment before she got married.
You can stop this any time, for any reason. If you have made a mistake, or aren't sure, and just don't feel like it any more, then just say the word and it all stops. I won't be mad or angry, and I will protect you from those who might be.
You are in a relationship that has become habit. You are feeling trapped and "doomed" because you are. Even if you marry this guy, it will fail if things stay the same for you.
Take a look at life with this man 5 years down the road, ten and then 20. Do you see yourself with him and HAPPY about it?
You need, unfortunately, to have a frank talk with him, and your family, and you need to end it and end it now. Move out and move on. Good luck to you.
2006-09-11 08:53:42 · answer #2 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, forget the "influences" given to by your family and relatives, etc, etc. THIS is between YOU and your boyfriend.
Second, any one who has a almost-6-year-relationship with someone has found someone special, and that type of relationship is very rare in todays world. This is someone to hold onto! A car is nice, but having a good relationship is lifetime.
Third, FINISH YOUR COLLEGE FIRST. THEN GET MARRIED.
Fourth, why the dreams? We ALL have them. Because everyone of us feels "the grass is greener somewhere else." That is; I SHOULD have taken that other job, it would have been better. I SHOULD have dated that other guy, he would be more successful than my present boyfriend, I SHOULD wear something better to work, SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD.
Unfortunately STUPID people listen to their thoughts and spend their entire lives "chasing after" all those SHOULDS. Only to end up old, and with nothing but unachieved promises. They are the rabbits of the world.
People like you are the turtles of the world. Sure the path is slower, not as exciting, but in the end - YOU will have a lifetime marriage, buy more stuff, own more stuff, than all those rabbits. And in the end, you will look back and say "wow, my life was good, really good."
2006-09-11 08:54:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
why are you hanging onto this relationship for all the wrong reasons??? you only have one life and it is YOURS. so stop trying to please your friends and family, etc., they aren't the ones who will have to live with him 24/7 ... obligated?? if you don't love him, give the car back ... if you sell your love, what does that say about your personal integrity ... from the tone of your letter, you are not happy and fear of what others might say has you confused. doomed??? you said it!!! you have allowed your low self esteem to make you insecure ... there is always another man around the corner ... i suggest you propose "taking a break" from the relationship and concentrate on your schooling for the next 2 years. if you two still feel the same about each other at graduation, then marry the guy, if instead, you feel relief for stepping away from the relationship, then you will know it wouldn't have lasted into a marriage and you can move on with a clear conscience
2006-09-11 09:31:26 · answer #4 · answered by casurfwatcher 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Claire, you only have one life and you need to do whatever is right for you. I know that you don't want to hurt your man but is it fair that you stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt him. Doesn't he deserve to have someone to feels the same way about him as he does about them?
Making the move is the hardest thing. I did that and I was married and had been for almost 7 years.
I think you need to have an open honest relationship with your man and tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that it isn't him but you feel that you are feeling suffocated and need a break. Tell him you don't want to break up but you want to have some time to yourself to figure out how you feel. You are only 23 and five years is a long time. You aren't the same person when you two met and neither is he.
Good luck.
2006-09-11 08:47:50 · answer #5 · answered by sarah071267 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do you love him? If so, then just keep this in mind: the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
Truly, we wonder sometimes if there is someone else out there for us. Even though we love our partner, it's human nature to wonder. But don't let the curiousity of what MIGHT be out there ruin something that you are happy with. If it is just curiosity driving you, then think rationally and decide if the curiosity is enough to lose the man you love.
And on the other hand, if you feel like you really need to "spread your wings" and you are certain of that, then you must do it. You don't want to marry someone with the "what ifs" hovering over you forever.
2006-09-11 10:55:36 · answer #6 · answered by PT&L 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is that chance that if you call it off that you won't find someone as good or even someone. There is no sure way for anything. If you do love him then don't chance it. If you don't then it is something that you need to decide and make the best decision that is best for you and not everyone else. Everyone always wonders if the grass is green on the other side and has what ifs. They happened when you have doubts. You need to way the good and the bad and what you are willing to live with and want you can't.
2006-09-11 08:53:58 · answer #7 · answered by sscott12414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The grass is always greener on the other side.
HOWEVER, I myself was stuck in a rut like you. It is obvious the feelings he has for you are stronger than yours for him. The longer you leave this, the harder it will get to end.
You really need to have a long, hard think about this. Don't let your family/friends make the decision for you. This is about YOU and YOUR LIFE - the rest of it.
I got out of my relationship. It was strange at first and maybe even difficult at times but it is the best move I ever made. I had fun for a while and now have found someone I truly love and couldn't be happier.
It's a hard decision to make but make it for YOU.
Good Luck
2006-09-11 08:53:37 · answer #8 · answered by paddymac 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you honestly let your life be governed by the expectations of others? I assure you, it is the best way to the sanatorium. If you love this guy, because he has done nothing to warrant your dislike of him, you must be kind enough to be honest about how you feel. Perhaps all you are feeling is that a 'little something' is lacking, yet you do not know how to broach the subject with him. If he is unaware of your feelings then how can you expect him to respond to you?
You really shouldn't stay with him because you fear being alone, giving yourself some space to grow may be what you need. Life is not worth the effort if you cannot live it being true to yourself and true to those who are special within it.
I recently broke up with someone who is a wonderful person. The majority of people told me I would be foolish to risk my future with this lovely man for something they considered less than substantial. However, I know myself well enough to know that the man I was with could not connect with me in the way my heart craves, regardless of his kindness (and substantial income). Security is not always what is made out to be. When I took the time to be honest with myself, I found that I could not ignore my desire to be elsewhere...
2006-09-11 08:55:22 · answer #9 · answered by CC...x 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Follow your heart. I'm sure he feels the same way. It's obvious that you care about each other but it's time to move on/ Better now than later on, married and both of you cheating. Honesty is the best policy and there is nothing wrong with moving on as your are a young adult and tot a teenager.
Best of luck
2006-09-11 09:37:10 · answer #10 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋