do you think im being unreasonable.?

Question

my daughter is 10 and very bright. i really want her to do well at school, which so far she is. however i think that on week-nights she should read and do homework but she wants to play out till late. her friend is very pushy whereas she is quiet and kind, and she mithers my daughter tilll she says ok.what can you suggest?

Answer 1

You are right . Homework comes first ! Some day she'll look back in gratitude but for now take control she needs guidance and discipline. Even if you have to put the hiatus on her friends'
influence your daughter is still young and deserving of your care .
Too much liberty too soon can have a price to pay later.
As bright as precocious children may appear they still lack the
experience to make adult judgments. No homework no play.

Answer 2

I agree it's important your daughter does the homework that has been set for her by the school, but don't be tempted to overload her with extra work or she will just not be able to cope. It is important for her to relax and enjoy herself too, provided she has done her homework as set by the school. Don't worry about extra reading. She will do all the better for some healthy outdoor exercise. If there is anything physical she's interested in, maybe you could get her to join a club or go to classes for that. This would get her physically active (good for the brain!) and get her away from the pushy child and into the company of other children.

You could also warn the other child that if she pushes you too far you will stop her seeing your daughter, although I suspect this might make your daughter all the more keen to spend time with her. I would just drop a few remarks such as "It's nice of you to spend time with Sally, darling, even though she's not as clever as you." Tell your daughter you're proud of her for being kind to the other kid, making it clear you think the other kid is a bit thick, not very attractive and frankly not really good enough but your daughter is kind to her and that's good.

Answer 3

From experience, I would say that telling your daughter 'no' point blank will only lead to her rebelling, if you reason with her, tell her she has to do her homework before going out and that she has to be back in to be ready for bed by a certain time, it would be the most amicable way of doing it. For example, for a ten year old i'd say that 7:30pm would be a reasonable time to be in, then half an hour for bath, reading, etc, then bed. If she hasn't finished her homework until 7pm, she only gets half an hour, if she does it by 6:30pm she gets an hour. Fridays could be different, as no school the next day. Or suggest that the friend sees your daughter at your house, sure you may well have to give her friend the odd drink, snack etc, but at least you know where your daughter is and have a certain amount of control, without them realising it.
That'll also give her the push to do her homework, without you looking unreasonable.
I have been in your daughters shoes, my parents wouldn't let me out full stop and it made me depressed and rebellious. You need to make the situation as amicable as possible, and make sure she knows that you're starting to treat her like an adult. Once she knows she has a certain amount of control over what she does (by a little give and take), things should be easier. (And she is less likely to get into trouble).
Hope this helps, I wish my parents had done that!!

Answer 4

I think yes you are being slightly unreasonable but also slightly reasonable.

This stems from the fact that yeah Homework needs to be done but also Childhood are for most people the some of the best days of their life.

Either say to her to be in by a set time to do Homework or get the homework done before she goes out.

As for the friend well if she pushes your daughter into doing stuff shes not really that much of a friend.

Outline this to your daughter and tell her you want her to do well. When shes done work thats only on par with her normal standard still praise her as this will motivate her to work.

Tridon

Answer 5

I think you are really lucky having a bright and popular daughter who is doing well at school. It is essential to keep her motivated and interested and not to make her resentful. I think you should try to find the balance - certainly encourage her to do her home work and to read but also allow her some time to play. If you make it all work and no play you risk turning her off and anyway it is just as important that she learns social skills which begin at her age with play - testing and finding the limits. Children feel secure with routine and agreed limits so I suggest that you try to develop a routine - home and some homework, some play time, in for supper and a read before (or in) bed. Then, of course, there can be days when the routine is broken for special reasons - also important not to set it in concrete p - extra homework/revision at exam time as well as none and special treats say as a reward for good work etc. Great being a parent isn't it! Good luck.

Answer 6

You need to step in as her mother. Your daughter hasn't achieved the assertiveness necessary to say 'no' and mean it yet.

Set a good example by telling this other child that she is welcome to come and play at the weekend but not on week nights. If she appears on a week night tell her firmly that she should go home and do her homework too and that you will see her at the weekend.

Also, have a word with the child's mother and inform her of your ground rules. Don't let your daughter be pushed into anything.

Tell your daughter that her needs deserve the respect of others and she is right to put her education first. Tell her that you will be there to back her up if her friend tries to get her to break your ground rules.

Answer 7

Do you want her to be successful or do you want her to be happy?

I'm not saying that she wont have both but by robbing her of a childhood she could grow up to feel she missed out on a time where she can live without pressure, responsibility, etc.

You only get that chance once in life, it only lasts for a few years and everyone needs a childhood, not to be forced to be a little adult.

There has to be a balance, she needs to do some home work and the amount from schools is quite small at that age for a reason, to also give them time to play and to socialise which a fundamental part of life, dealing with other people.

She could leave Uni with fantastic results but her ability to deal with people will help her in business and life.

If i had to choose, i would rather my daughter have a happy and forfilled life, where she missed out on nothing and experienced everything.

Answer 8

Compromise, set aside an hour and half for study and the rest for play! Staying in every school night is a bit too much for a child of ten - all work and no play etc. plus she has been at school all day!

Pushing too hard can have the opposite to the desired effect and make her stop working hard.

Sounds like she needs her confidence building up with her pushy friend. She sounds like a lovely little girl who wants to please everyone all the time, teach her that its okay to say no sometimes and then her confidence in herself will build.

Answer 9

You are not being unreasonable. Your daughters friend sounds like a bully and could very well drop her if someone else came along that took her fancy. Lay it on the line with your daughter, tell her she needs to be more assertive with her friend - is this girl not being overly this with your daughter? Tell her you do not mind her going out at the weekend but she is only 10 years old and she must give herself the best chance in life. It will only get harder later on if she does not knuckle down. Try not to alienate her by letting your temper go, that could send her the complete opposite way and all she would need to do is confide this to her friend who most likely encourage her to rebel against you. Best of luck.

Answer 10

I think that at ten years of age, your daughter is too young to be giving into peer pressure. As her mother you need to put a stop to her gallop - YOURE the adult here, sit her down and explain why you want her in early and that at the end of the day what you say goes.
If you let your daughter be subjected to this kind of behavious at the age of ten - what will she be like when shes a teenager - she needs to set an example of authority NOW. Whilst Im sure shes a lovely kid, and that it is her friends fault for her wanting to stay out later etc, you're the mother and your decision is final - set her a time to be home by and make sure she sticks to it - NO exceptions.