Almost three months after having our beautiful little girl,my wife is complaining of pain during intercourse. She claims they botched her episiotomy,but she also says that she never gets aroused at all either.She certainly doesn't get wet,I have to use the k-y jelly.
What can help here? I have tried romance,spoiling her and all sorts of other things but she says it always hurts.We didn't have sex much during her pregnancy either,she told me it was hormones.So,should I listen her tell me she has no libdo or should I worry?
2006-09-10 20:35:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
Don't get on her bad side. Do what you have to do to make her happy. It doesn't matter what it is, go that extra mile. Make her feel special and deserving. Maybe a simple "I Love You" every day could work. The main thing is to get her in that mood, after that is business as usual.
2006-09-10 20:40:09 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never let her get another episiotomy. They are horrible and they don't heal well. It's waaaaay better to tear a little than have an episiotomy. I see women with hematomas, skin tags, gaping stitches, stress incontinence and numbness, burning and pain in the incision from those horrible things. Believe her - it does hurt. Have her go back to the OB and check her, something could be wrong, maybe it didn't heal well.
Barring that...give her some more time. Unfortunately, it won't be close to normal down there for a long time. You will have to be very, very patient and very, very gentle. If she's breastfeeding it's normal to be less lubricated. Ask her what you could do to make her feel more comfortable and do it. Try some massage and maybe some oral sex. Most nights she'll probably just fall asleep on you but other nights you may talk her into it.
2006-09-10 21:47:04 · answer #2 · answered by BabyRN 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give her a break! Do you have any idea how sleep deprived she is?
When you either provide enough relief for her childcare duties, like paying someone to come in do laundry, take a turn with the kid, clean the house, and all that, she will have the energy for and desire to have sex.
The whole human reproductive thing was not meant to be carried out in isolated homes with family units consisting of two. Every new mother needs LOTS of help, whether family or paid employees.
You should be more worried about your child and their well being than your hard parts. There is so much more to life than sex, which you can take care of yourself. She may be re-assessing your character and priorities, which concern me also, that you have put sex so high on. Your question indicates to me that sex in that household is all about you. No wonder she is turned off.
NOW, turn off the computer, go clean something up, and be prepared to take on at least 75 % of the household and childcare duties, even if you have left the house to work all day, do it when you get home. Do it without fanfare or expectations. One day in a few months of you doing this, she may think she made the right decision and warm up to you again.
2006-09-10 20:51:53 · answer #3 · answered by finaldx 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is very common after childbirth. It is the new baby stress, lack of sleep, hormones, and now she has more worries than before. Plus all the inner parts of her have shifted. The "fav" sex postion before could possibly turn into the most painful. Try diffrent positions. Go Slow. If all else fells try diffrent stimulants. Ex. A vibrator. New sensation down there will always help. So much changes when you have a baby. Have a date night w/o the baby and make time for the 2 of you.. Just don't get stuck in a rut. That is the cause of most break ups. You just got to keep trying and get her to talk about her "new" body and feelings.
2006-09-10 20:53:00 · answer #4 · answered by Cherry2 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TAKE HER TO HER DOCTOR!! If the doctor doesn't help, TAKE HER TO ANOTHER ONE!!
There are legitimate physical issues beyond lubrication--scar tissue and things like that with potential for causing pain. I can guarantee you that the more insensitive you appear during this process, the more you both suffer as a result (this is the voice of experience from HER perspective). What you do now can actually prolong her difficulties or take it all to a new level.
If the two of you have tried different positions, ones that may not put as much pressure on the scar tissue, without success then take that information with you to the doctor. If the doctor's only response is to try different positions, then ask for a referral. If her doctor is a male, she may want to find someone female to go talk to.
The romance is sweet, and I am certain that she appreciates it, but it doesn't overcome pain! Imagine if someone kicked you in the testicles everytime you tried to have sex!! Repeatedly!! How often would you look forward to it? Would your favorite meal overcome the pain? (No)
Good luck!!
2006-09-10 20:51:56 · answer #5 · answered by purplepinkanddots 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The worst thing you could possibly do right now is hassle her for sex. If she's exhausted, unhappy, stressed out, not coping with workloads @ work then the last thing she needs is to come home to you looking for a bit of support and comfort is you hassling for sex. On the other hand it is unfair for you to feel put out and unloved because of how she is feeling so this is something the 2 of you need to come to terms with. Me & my partner felt exactly the same as you are your wife a few months back. I was your wife & he was you. I hated my job, I was at uni also & the workload was ridiculous so I had no time for anything else but sleep! I just wanted to chill out & cuddle up nothing else because it felt like such a chore. You need to make it not feel like a chore anymore. For a little while do what she wants, cuddle up with her, make her feel relaxed for a week or so don't badger her or harass her for sex etc & then approach the subject cautiously you don't want her thinking that you were being quiet for a week hoping to get something. Just say to her that you understand how stressful everything has been but you want the both of you to spend some quality time with each other, get your kid off to a friend or grandparents for the evening, go out for a ncie romantic meal & find each other again, get a movie & head home with a nice bottle of wine & just relax. Say to her you understand that she doesn't want sex but sometimes you feel it's like she doesn't want you & you just need to know that she does. Talk it out, it won't change over night it'll take a lot of work but as soon as you realise you are working towards a common goal - getting close again! then everything will fall into place. Good luck!!
2016-03-27 06:41:17 · answer #6 · answered by Maria 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry!! You have absolutely NOTHING to worry about! Believe me! BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!
My poor husband during my first pregnancy! Luckily I just wanted to keep him happy so I just had sex with him for that reason alone. I did NOT enjoy it at all! It was gross to me! lol
Even after I had the baby it was worse. It took a long time to get over that.
It's still very painful for me to have sex in certain positions. Try other positions with her, and most importantly, and some selfish men here may argue with me, but LOTS OF FOREPLAY FOREPLAY FOREPLAY. Try giving her an orgasm before you try to have sex with her, then she'll be a little more wet first,( you may still have to use a little KY) and then she'll be more relaxed and it might not hurt as much. TRUST ME. I went through this very same thing, and it's totally normal!
When a woman is pregnant she naturally will have more wetness because the body produces it in preperation for the baby to come to help baby come out easier (imagine if she was all dry in there during birth- OUCH). Then after the baby comes the body has absolutely NO NEED to produce that stuff anymore. She doens't need to get pregnant again, the body knows this, and she already had the baby, and the body obviously knows this as well, so being wet is not necessary at this time.
Also, when you get an epesiotomy OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! Imagine being sliced open like that and then having some doctor crudely stitch you back up and then be expected to perform sexually well like you did before by trying to cram a huge rod into a tiny little hole! Not possible without lots of pain, bro!! Be very gentle, patient, understanding, slow, and loving towards her.
She may also have other things on her mind, such as the baby. This is natural motherly instincts, and as hard as it gets on the father by feeling left out, it is okay. She'll soon be all yours again (sort of!!). She may also be suffering from post partum depression, or better known as the baby blues, which is also normal. She ought to talk to her OB and get some help if she needs it.
Also she won't be turned on right now because a woman getting turned on is only because the body sends signals that it's time to get pregnant again (that's what a woman's body is made for; having babies) and so she's not going to feel the urge to have a baby again, so sex doens't matter. IT'S NOT YOU... it's just what she is going through naturally right now. Her hormones and everything are all still out of whack and have a lot of time and work of getting itself back into funtioning order again.
During my second pregnancy I was a major horn-dog!! I wanted it like several times a day! More poor husband was worn out! It got to the point to where he was constantly turning me down, which really hurt me, as you know how that feels I'm sure. But then after I had the baby I settled down and his sex drive went back up. Now I'm just happy whenever. I'm also on Zoloft, which has helped a ton..... ;)
Anyway, good luck,
and CONGRATULATIONS on becoming a daddy! It's the best thing you'll ever do in this life!!
2006-09-10 21:25:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm a girl, and If I were in her shoes......I'd say she's probably feeling very insecure about her body. Having a baby can ruin a womens body and I know I would be extremely insecure about the way I looked afterwards. I'm not sure what you should do, except keep being really nice to her, tell her she's still gorgeous, and DO NOT pressure her! Just wait and hopefully she'll realize that you still think she is beautiful and she'll start to be more secure with her looks.
But on the other hand, if it's not insecurity and it really does hurt, maybe she should go see a doctor...because I don't think it's supposed to hurt that long after.
2006-09-10 20:46:50 · answer #8 · answered by sarah u 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow...I felt incredibly guilty saying those things to my hubby and it was true. I wasnt' making it up at all. As a matter of fact episiodimy didn't quit hurting for 2 freaking years after I had my son. When my second child was born I was ready to go right there in hospital but hubby said no. lol If she's worried she should see the doctor. She's a woman and probably very intune to her body. Sex was very painful for me as well...give her time and love but dont' push the sex issue but also dont give up. Your lady on the streets but freak in da sheets will be back in no time. What's a few rocky years when you have the rest of your lives to enjoy each other?? good luck and maybe you and my hubby could start a support group I know it was hard for him.
2006-09-10 21:04:01 · answer #9 · answered by johnsmom326 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she feels like having sex is something that she has to do to make you happy she will hate having sex. you need for her to know that you love her and that you don't have to have sex because you love her so much that in the relationship it is more than rather or not you have sex. be a good father. hold her hand
give her one kiss on the neck every now and than if you kiss her all the time or talk about sex or put your fingers down there all that's going thur her mind is all he wants is sex. if she knows that you don't have to have sex and that you love her and don't rush her.
if she gets in her mind that you love her and you will wait on her she won't be pressure and before you know it she is will say harder, harder oh faster, faster than she will go crazy on you. be prepared.
if she is in the mood you could always eat her out also or if she does get horny and she is dry make sure she doesn't have to pee than let her put it in and when she says ok you go very slow until she tells you when to go faster let her be in control. try having sex with her legs close and straight.
2006-09-10 21:20:31 · answer #10 · answered by sondra h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋