should i tell my son that his dad is not his real dad?

Question

His real dad had nothing to do with him.The man he knows as his dad has been their since he was a baby.We are married and my husband has adopted him.My son dont know a thing.And i was wondering if he doesent know should i tell him.

Answer 1

Yes you should tell your son the truth about his fathers, but not until he is at least a teen or a little older and can understand what you are explaining to him. At some point he is going to want to know more. My cousin was in the same place. His real father wanted nothing to do with him and my uncle adopted him after he married my cousin's mother. My cousin considers my uncle his dad and always has. I have never considered him anything but my cousin and will never do anything but.

Answer 2

Yes, tell him.

You don't say how old he is though.

My son is now 13 and he was told too late in life (according to a counselor). To make matters worse, me and his dad (adopted dad) are divorced and my son was told when we were living with my Mom, while she was on her death bed, by my Ex.

Talk with a social worker and find out the proper terminology appropriate for your sons age. I wish I had told my son far before my divorce occurred. My Ex has turned very vindictive and took it upon himself to share the news when my son's best friend (my Mom) was dying right before his eyes. You never know what the future holds between you and your husband, and a vindictive man is will use your children against you. Talk with a social worker, get advise and tell your son together with your husband. This is truly what is best and the sooner the better. Take it from someone who learned the hard way.

Answer 3

“Honesty is the best policy” as they say. If you don’t tell your kid, and he finds out on his own, he’ll likely not completely trust you ever again. If you tell him at an early age what the deal is, he’ll trust you, but will likely want to at least meet his real father. I’ve known kids in this situation myself, and in spite of the situation, the kid grew to know his adopted dad as his real father; he was the real father figure, a real authoritative figure, and so forth. The adoptive father was even addressed as “Dad”. If you just tell the kid it’ll prevent some problems but has a potential to introduce a few new ones; not telling the kid will likely cause lots of problems once he figures it out on his own, and has potential to cause some family feuds. I think it’s important for you to make the choice that you feel will cause fewer complications. Good luck.

Answer 4

Don't tell him until he is able to understand completely.

If he isn't able to understand how babies are made, if he hasn't ever had sex (probably) and doesn't understand that sometimes people sleep together without loving one another, etc, etc, then he won't really understand what you mean when you say "not his real dad."

He will think you mean that his father isn't being truthful when he says he cares about him. And that is the LAST thing you want.

So... wait a long time.

And make sure that other people don't tell him. If you think that will happen, be sure to warn him that other people might say that, but it isn't true....

"BECAUSE BEING A REAL DAD MEANS CARING FOR SOMEBODY EVERY DAY AND GIVING THEM ALL THE THINGS THEY NEED AND BEING THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY HAVE PROBLEMS."

So... if you redefine what it means to be a real dad, then he will understand when he's older and you tell him his "biological father" was somebody else.

Answer 5

You never said how old your son is... but in any case you should just raise him knowing the facts. (He was adopted by your husband but he has another man who is his father out their somewhere).It's better that your son knows now then when he gets older ~ what if (God Forbid) something happens medically & your son needs an organ or something? Then is not going to be the time to try and explain the details.

Answer 6

It is OK to tell him if you feel he can emotionally handle it for his age. If not, you might want to wait.
I have a secret I do not want my son to find out about his father. I hope he never does, but others in my family know and right now they are respecting my wishes. But, someone could slip.
I think it would be better coming from you incase someone DOES accidentally slip.

Answer 7

If i were you I would leave it up to the adopted dad (your husband) to tell him or not to tell him. He has been the dad all along and if he thinks your son should know then he can tell him. Just leave it up to your husband and tell your husband that you will leave it up to him. That way your husband wont be mad at you for possibly damaging their current father son relationship. And if your son finds out one day and is mad at you for not telling him then you can explain you thought it was best for his adopted dad to decide what was best for you.

Answer 8

Wow. If you don't tell him, he will eventually know anyway and feel enormously betrayed, and rightfully so. You have to tell him because you should have already. I know you don't want to hear that, but him being adopted did not have to be an issue, you made it into one. I hope he is young enough to adapt to it well and that you find a good way to tell him.

Answer 9

Yes tell him because if he finds out from someone else he will resent you for not telling him...but not to worry because he knows who has been there for him and who hasn't but at least he will be given the chance to meet his real dad if he should want to...

Answer 10

I think that you should tell him. The longer that you wait to tell me, the longer he will resent you and not trust you. It can be an emotional thing, but you need to show your son that you have an open communication with him, and you are both free to tell each other anything.