We have always had a rule in our house that our kids were not allowed to date anyone more than 1 year older than them. The "rule" was really to protect the kids from the heart break of dating someone older who would graduate, go to college, etc.. and leave them behind. This rule worked fine for the first three kids (who are all 20+ years old and moved out now). The guy she was sneaking to see joined the Navy and was scheduled to leave tomorrow, now I find out that he is being delayed until January. I'm afraid it will be hard to keep her from him for that long.
What should I do? Would you let your daughter at 17 date someone who was 20?
2006-09-10 13:02:46 · 17 answers · asked by â?¥~ Tootsie ~â?¥ 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
When I was 16 I had a guy friend who was 20, and he wanted to date. I of course did too (he was older and cute, lol), but I didn't think my parents would let me, so I just didn't even tempt myself.
With your daughter, you've got a couple of options. You could stand firm with your age rule and take away and driving privileges she has now since she snuck around to see him already. This will obviously have negative effects because she'll just resent you, but it just might keep her safe. You could tell her the reason you created the rule so that she knows it wasn't arbitrary and agree to meet her boyfriend formally. If you approve of him, she can continue to date him. If you feel things are just going to get too serious too quickly, you could resort to the former suggestion. Make sure she knows that your interest in her dating habits is out of love and the need to protect her from harm (be it physical or emotional). By giving the 20 year old a chance, you'll send a much more positive message to your daughter and she'll be more likely to be open and honest with you about her boyfriends in the future. Personally though, I don't see why a 20 year old would WANT to date a 17 year old. Best of luck with whatever decision you make!
2006-09-10 13:15:29 · answer #1 · answered by elizabeth_ashley44 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, telling him she is "jailbait" isn't going to have any affect at all. Been there, done that.
My dau. wanted to date a guy 5 yrs her senior. She was 14 at the time, he was 19.
We did the normal routine - rules, grounding when rules were broken, etc., nothing worked. We finally removed her from their school, did no good. We ended up moving 3 hrs away to separate them. Not even THAT worked - I came home unexpectedly one day and he was in my house.
Just after that he joined the Air Force and went "wherever". THAT'S what took care of it. He didn't come back after that.
My dau. had other boyfriends, finished high school, got married at 19-1/2 and had a beautiful baby boy. A year later guess who we got a letter from? Yep, you guessed it.
However, by this time he too was married and had a child, was almost 25 yrs old, and had "grown up". He wrote to apologize for all he had done, to say that he realized he was wrong, and to ask for forgiveness. We made our peace, my dau. and he got in contact, and she and her husband, and the guy and his wife, became friends.
I personally don't think 3 yrs is too much. My first spouse was 3 yrs older than me - we began dating when I was 15 and he was 18. My second spouse was 4 yrs older than me, and my current husband is 14 yrs older than me.
Since your dau. is on the cusp of 17 and has only a year left until she's 18 ('legal'), and this guy is headed for the military in a few short months anyway, if your TRUE reason for the "1 year rule" really is to keep your children from getting hurt by someone graduating, going to college, etc., then I don't think there's a problem with it.
I'd suggest setting some guidelines for their seeing each other, letting them know that you will allow it under certain conditions, but if any of the conditions are violated, you'll stop their seeing each other.
Since she's sneaking out to see him, i.e. rules you set don't have any affect, let her know that you're willing to compromise with her in consideration of her age and the fact that he'll be leaving soon, and hopefully it will help the relationship between you two, but that you're only willing to "give" from your end if she is willing to do the same. Your "give" is to allow the relationship, her "give" is to promise not to break the 'new' rules you set for that relationship.
And, very best luck to you!
2006-09-10 20:33:58 · answer #2 · answered by CoasterCrazy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. I would allow it. A guy around 3 years older when she's almost 17 is really not that much of an age difference. Its no big deal. If she loves the man, you as a mother/father should never want to stop her from dating/loving a man, just because he's 3 years older.
2006-09-10 20:13:04 · answer #3 · answered by alanna801 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing you can do except talk to her, tell her how you are feeling... use plenty of "I" statements. Remember all teens are rebels; hence the sneaking out, and the more you tell them they cant the more they will!
I further suggest you talk to the guy, tell him that you feel that your rules are being stomped on and that he is the reason for it... tell him that it would be a good idea to back off until after he comes back from the navy. If he insists that the relationship is legit then you may have to pull out the tissues when he leaves and be moral support for your daughter.
2006-09-10 20:20:57 · answer #4 · answered by sandrawiltzen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm 17 and my bfs 19 almost 20. so i don't see the problem.
i just don't think you like him for her. but you do realize that if you put restrictions that this girl will go insane when she leaves the house, its kinda funny. cause i know a girl that her parents were this way, she ended up getting pregnant at some party by some random guy shed just met. i think you should talk to your daughter listen to her wants and needs. cause at the end of the day, its her life not yours. plus. that way you know what's really going on, and no lying or sneaking out behind your back.
2006-09-10 20:10:32 · answer #5 · answered by Shteph™ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It depends on the child. Is she pretty responsible? Usually makes good decisions? A three year difference is not that bad. Everyone will experience heartbreak at one time or another. It is a fact of life. Forcing this issue may lead to your heartbreak.
2006-09-12 13:42:28 · answer #6 · answered by cytopia1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can't stop her and if you try she'll only do it more. 3 years really isn't a big age difference and plus he's still leaving. come on almost all young women are attracted to older men. they are more mature, not silly like the boys their age. i know you're probably worried about her virginity and stuff, but there's nothing you can do now. she's going to do what she going to do. you just have to trust in the fact that you raised a self respecting, moral young lady and that's about all you need to do right now.
2006-09-10 20:09:57 · answer #7 · answered by aj607 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No I would not let my daughter date someone that old.
2 options come to mind. First is to tell him that it is considered by law statutory rape, even for a kiss, for him to be with her. Second you could tell his C.O. (commanding officer) that he is dating an under age female and they need to stop him before you report him. They can ground him to the base until he ships out.
2006-09-10 20:11:09 · answer #8 · answered by railcar_exp 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't make a big deal about it. You can show your concern, but a big deal would cause her to rebel and resent. Just try to think of it as a Freshman with a Junior or a Sophomore with a Senior.
2006-09-10 20:12:08 · answer #9 · answered by xxthespianxx 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may as well allow it since she'll sneak out to be with him anyway. At least that way, you'll know where she is.
2006-09-10 20:06:25 · answer #10 · answered by Avid 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋