is it reasonable to expect a partner to change an aspect of behaviour you don't like?

Question

for example, they leave clothes on the floor, or they smoke heavily, or have a bad temper, or they embarrass you by discussing personal problems with neighbours, etc etc. or should we accept + tolerate our loved one's imperfections

Answer 1

Relationships are about compromise, understanding, accepting, ..........

Don't analyze relationships too much or you may be old and alone.

Answer 2

It would be nice if everybody was able to discard their unpleasant habits and yes, some people do change. However, some don't. You can't assume that someone will change that particular behaviour, they may never do so. What you need to ask yourself is, can I live with this?

For example, my husband never seems able to put his dirty clothes in the linen basket each day, he saves them up in a pile on the floor and they go in at the end of each week. I'm certainly not picking them up for him. This means he sometimes runs out of socks, but that's his problem. It is a nuisance but I can't change him. I still love him to bits though.

Of course, there is some behaviours that just can't be tolerated - abusive behaviour for example. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a bad temper, I'd say, beware. They may never change, in fact, things may get worse.

Answer 3

Relationship is a lot of give and take. Talk it out with your partner and learn about what it is your behavior that (s)he doesn't like. Then negotiate so that both would gain from each others behavioral change.
Of the examples that you listed rank them in order of importance to you. Have the other person do the same on her/his list about you. Then discuss one, and only one that each would commit to change and follow through. It'll take a while to get to the next item. Stay with one until it works and then move on to the next one. In short, for the rest that's not changed, just accept and tolerate each others imperfection.

Answer 4

only to a point. clothes on floor can be seen as "nagging" heavy smoking is there health problem. bad temper needs to be addressed & as 4 the discussion with ur neighbours! well that needs 2 change. make him see the error of his ways. leave him 4 a week & watch him crumble

Answer 5

There are certain do's and dont's in a relationship and it is best to establish those in the beginning of a relationship. Everybody does things that get on your nerves, however, wanting to change someone is a sure sign they are not right for you.

If you really want to change minor things like untidiness, smoking, discussing your personal things in public, you might want to raise the issues when you are not angry about it and offer compromises.

Sorry, but there is no clear answer to this and it is really is an arbitrary matter!!!!

Answer 6

Well, considering that is just the way they are then you probably are going to be dealing with it for a very long time, without improvements. People can't just change with a snap of a finger. It takes time, and then they have to want to change! Most people can't change certain things about themselves, it is just the way they are.

Why don't you put yourself in their shoes? What if your partner made a list of everything he/she doesn't like about you, and then told you to change those things. That is a pretty hard thing to ask of someone. Change how they have always been.

Answer 7

When two individuals decide to become a 'unit' each person ought to accept the others faults as well as their virtues. Of course there will be disagreements. But asking a person to change their character, an intangible quality, is very difficult.

Answer 8

No women meet a guy they find him attractive start seeing him then try to change him if you dont like aspects of a guys personality dont go out with him in the first place sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but its happened to me and my mates so many times.

Answer 9

I think it depends very much what it is, I think it is unreasonable to expect someone to change if they were like that when you met them, for example a smoker.

Things like discussing personal issues with a neighbour I think are perfectly reasonable things to ask soemone to change.

Answer 10

It is very important to understand that you cannot change anyone. You can only ask for change from them, and if they agree to make the changes, then there is hope. If they do not, you will need to make a decision whether you can accept them as they are.

It is really important to accept your partner as they are....after all, they are the same person today as they were when you met....and you liked them then.

Answer 11

honey what you see is what you get.please don't try changing them because it will not work out you just got to put your foot down and make the rule's and see if you have put the rule's down in a pleasant way.what scares me is a man with a temper he could just get cold and go on one on you.he could even hurt you so be very careful love.its alright him talking to the neighbours you got to do it with some on if it's not you so what if not he will just hold his problems within himself and then take it out on you,I've been there myself and have been hurt beyond repair.yes you just got to accept,tolerate our loved ones as they are.they do come around.don't give up on yourself love you will get there with him at the end.be strong and don't let anyone tell you any different.good luck honey.