Anyone have strong willed child advice?

Question

I have a daughter about to be 4. She's incredibly bright, willfull and bossy. I need direction on helping her to learn discipline, confidence and respect without tearing her down. Would love to speak to someone about her/us specifically but don't think we're at the 'therapy stage'. Maybe I'm wrong. Ideas/input anyone?

Answer 1

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your daughter misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she makes a mess, she cleans it. If she breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If she damages something in the home, she does things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline fit the crime. A natural consequence for her back talking is that you do not want to be near her. You can say “If you are going to speak to me like that I don’t want to be near you. We can be together when you’re ready to be speak to me nicely.”

Another technique you can try when she is misbehaving is this. As soon as she misbehaves, get down to her level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take her gently by the hand and put her in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (stop hitting, listen, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she's ready to control herself. You may have to take her back to the spot a few times before she gets the message. Thank her when she behaves. Keep it up!

Notice her when she is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help her to feel powerful in a positive way.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Here are some of my favorite web sites
http://www.alfiekohn.org/articles.htm#null
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
http://askdrsears.com/

Answer 2

Be consistent in your discipline. Let your "NO" mean "NO" and your "YES" mean "YES" no matter what. If you said yes to fulfilling a promise and it is an inconvenience then you must still do it. If you initially said NO then no amount of whining and begging should move you. Believe it or not but a child actually becomes secure when they know their parent is dependable and a trust is developed when he/she knows that mommy keeps her word. They may not like it all the time but the outcome is a good one. Remember she is NOT an adult and therefore not entitled to the same privilidges of one nor has she the authority over you but vice versa. This is necessary for her to grow. As she grows you will adapt and she will learn more about becoming independent. The willfullness will continue as long as she sees that it produces the result she wants but you r the parent and r in a position to see what is necessary. It is not easy and it won't be until she leaves the house. She doesn't need therapy she just needs you not to indulge her whims. If she refuses to eat then take the food away but DON"T allow her to have anything else until the next meal. Children know when they are hungry and won't allow themselves to starve. If she doesn't want to put away a toy then tell her you view the toy as unwanted and take it out to the BIG TRASH. If she doesn't want to put her clothes on then take her out of the house as she is (put her stuff in a bag and tote it to the car; she will use it), If you say come over here and she says no then just walk over and get her then that no will become a yes... And ALWAYS PRAISE good behavior. Let her know if you are unhappy with an action and not her and she will not be torn down. Don't give up things will get better.

Answer 3

First, be grateful that she will have the characteristics of leadership, determination, and intelligence. Then, smack your head up against a wall. There, now you should feel better!
I have a nine year old son and he is EXACTLY the same way. At this very moment, he is turning circles on his head on the bed. Why, your guess is as good as mine. Do not try and force anything on her because being willful, she will only butt up against you to make her point. When she goes to school, she should be shown immediately that she cannot have her way all the time. The longer it goes her way the more she will expect it. Right now I am fighting with our school system because they think my son shouldnt be in school because he wants to do things his way. He is exactly what you described. But he has an above average IQ and is willing to learn anything. I also have a three year old right on his heels in behavior. Both boys. Surprisingly, my daughter is a gem except for whining and she is working on that! I have smashed my head against many a wall!! LOL
Discipline is not easy. The worse you are on her, the worse she will be just to prove a point. You need to direct her to the point that it shows her that its in HER best interest to behave. She has to reap the benefits, she wont care that you or anyone else will benefit, she has to or it wont matter. Thats the strength of character to survive. She is looking out for number one. I cant tell you specifically, but taking things that mean the most to her and making her earn them back may work. It works for my son. You need to trial and error on what would make her think its in her best interest. Good Luck and if you want to talk, just ask!

Answer 4

You need to let her know that it is not nice to be bossy to other people. Rather that if she helps them instead of bossing them around then she will be achieving her goals much more easily. Sit her down and do a task that she finds hard to do and show her how to help and she will learn from you the proper way it should be done. Once she learns from you that if she keeps at it and finishes her projects she will learn discipline, confidence and respect. You are her role model in life if you walk her through her task she will learn from you. I hope this helps you.

Answer 5

Try giving her creative projects that feed her brightness, appeal to the warrior inside of her. You will have to match her, don't be afraid of her as she will play on what she can get away from. Make things as playful as possible to keep the positive angles happening. Be interactive - show her that you also have needs.

I am so pleased to hear that you want to guide her willfullness and don't want to tear her down - such a common thing to happen with strong children.

Good luck.

Answer 6

You need to remind her that she is the child and you are the parent. If she acts up....give her a chair to sit in, if she throws fits, start taking things she like away and let her know why she is losing these things that she loves. I dicipline my boys and always have with first talking, if the talking does not work, I take a priviledge or favorite toy/item away...if it still doesn't work, I take them all out of the room...my last resort is a spanking. I rarely have to spank because I am always very firm when I speak to them, but I am not yelling. Your child does not respect you, and that is why she is acting the way she is. Remember to get down to her level when you speak to her firmly, and calmly....she needs to know you are serious and that the way she is acting is not acceptable. Do not tell her she is bad, but let her know her actions are not nice. My children know I mean business, they know not to back talk me, and they know when I have a certain look on my face then they better straighten up.....they are NOT afraid of me, but they know I will tear the butts up if neccessary, and they know that mom is the one that provides for them...it's just a respect and manners issue.

Answer 7

you MUST start right now.
this will only get worse if you don't do some one on one talking to her,and if that don't work then put a chair in a corner and make that a bad girl chir,and let her sit in it for her age time,this might work and then tell her in a clam way what she did wrong and why she can't do that and so on....
that is after she has had time to sit and think about it,and if that don't work a good swat on the butt and with the chair can help to,but only as a last option.
after she has had time to think about it and she See's that your not going to back down,tell her that you love her and kisses to and lots of big hugs to.and then let her go play and keep a watch on her to see if it's starting to work.
but you need to keep this up everyday not just now and then.
and make sure your husband is will to do the same things with you and not against you

Answer 8

I work with children on a daily basis in a group home setting...
Set clear and simple expectations for her. BE CONSISTENT. if you say "no you can't" with whatever she wants, then it is "no" if she continues to pursue it - DO NOT give any chances; consequence her for her behaviour (NOT DISCIPLINE) immediately do not give any chances (because then she will know how far she can push you). When setting out expectations for her give a list of positive options and rewards for choosing one of the options; list one consequence for not obeying you (timeout; loss of play; remove toy/stimulation item etc.,). But most importantly use a firm tone, be very consistent (do not give into tantrums) and use "planned ignoring" (intentionally ignoring her but you remain aware of everything she is doing) when and if she tantrums. It may take a few days or weeks depending on how strong willed she may be, but once she realizes you are the boss and not she, it will become easier setting out expectations and having her follow them. If she is getting to you, switch up with your husband in taking care of her (as long as he is on the same page; also, when u leave her tantrumming don't tell her you are leaving because of her behaviour - just make up an excuse "forgot to switch the laundry). Plus once she sees that her tantrumming is getting her nowhere, she will stop. Trust me, 10 out of 10 she will probably follow you around the house until you pay attention to her. Just calmly tell her that once she is done crying/yelling/kicking/screaming, and has calmed down, you will then talk to her. Good luck, need more info just ask!

Answer 9

The one thing that I think worked with our son when he was that age was a point/board system where he earned points each day for doing positive things, and sometimes he lost points for acting out. At the end of the day, he was rewarded based on his final score, so he would get to choose from things he liked (that were acceptable). It has to be a daily reward because they can't see very far ahead, and need immediate gratification at that age.

Finally, you really have to work at being consistent with this method. If you aren't consistent, she won't be. Good luck.

Answer 10

Give her a full-time job, open her up a bank account, get her a liscense, and sign over the mortgage into her name. Then, enroll yourself into pre-K and grab a sippy cup and some crayolas. Let her pay the bills and make the money, and you answer to her. Problem solved. Dr.Sears style.