Here's the issue, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and he wants to move to be with me. Its a long distance relationship and it completely sucks not being able to see except about every 3 months.
He's been supporting his mother since he was 17(yes, 17...giving her rent money from his high school jobs). He is now 28 and continues to live her and help her pay rent and other bills she needs paid. She does however have an older son, who won't give her money and a younger daughter, who gets on myspace all day and does not have a HS diploma. She was recently evicted from her apartment, so they are all trying to find another apartment. My boyfriend told her to just find a place for his mom and his sister because he's moving to be with me. Now she can't find any nice apartments that she can afford with out his help and his money. So he's decided to help her out(I am to fault I guess, I encouraged him to do the right thing..so she's not living in the ghetto).
2006-09-10 01:59:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I always encourage him to help his mother, even if I don't truly want him to because I don't want her in a bad situation. She and I have gotten along, I recently sent her a card. I called her yesterday to see if she got it, she didnt answer or ever call back.
Here's why...I feel like I take a backseat to everyone...he doesn't have enough money to move and for us to get married right now, but we however do view ourselves and "unwed husband and wife". So he is my family and he considers me his. I'm really worried that now it's going to be even longer until I see him if he continues to help her out because the long distance isnt working for us. Its really tough because I want him here with me, but I don't want her in a bad position either. He and I were fighting about it the other night and maybe she heard.
2006-09-10 01:59:41 · update #1
But instead of encouraging him to leave, she doesn't really. She gives him a pity act and she's like "What am I going to do? How often am I going to see you?" So this is what she keeps asking me and she's asked me too...IF I WOULD MOVE UP THERE...LEAVE MY JOB, MY FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP TO MY COLLEGE, MY FAMILY, AND FRIENDS AT 19 TO MOVE UP THERE...BASICALLY SO HE CAN BE WITH ME AND CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH HER AND SUPPORT HER? At first, she and I were getting along, so I went along with it. But my best friend was like "Dont leave your whole life for her. She's being selfish. He wants to be with you and move down here, let him. She needs to get a better job, she's 54 years old!!!" Thats basically what he and I fought about it. I think she heard it and might be mad at me. But I didnt do anything wrong, I just want to be with my man. Did I do anything wrong here? If she's mad should I call and say sorry or just say whatever cuz I feel like she's being real selfish right now!!!
2006-09-10 01:59:55 · update #2
No, she needs to let go. She has 2 other kids!!!! She has lived her life, why wont she let him move out and live his? He lives with her because he cant afford to pay his rent and someone else's too.
He told her the other day that he would get a 2nd job when he moved and he would send her all of that money. She said "Okay." and then when he said something about "How can you pay your rent without me? She got angry and said "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD GET ANOTHER JOB AND SEND ME MONEY!!" WTF? Please get your own job and stop depending on him. He's weak with her, but he doesnt act like this with me.
2006-09-10 02:17:06 · update #3
she's being very selfish right now. sounds like she thinks of him as less of a son, and more of a meal ticket!
2006-09-10 02:01:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW....What a deal..Don't do anything right now..Sit tight.He is a momma's baby and may never change if he is 28. Thats a long time to live at home.. Momma is very selfish putting those guilt trips on him.She is being unfair and probably will never change or stop. Don't say u are sorry becuz what you are feeling is so normal that its not even funny...Who could handle that? Stay in college and where u are now..Step back and see if he decides to be a man..He can get momma straightened out and then come to you if he is man enuf..Wait and see what he does
2006-09-10 02:07:21 · answer #2 · answered by Lea 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Interesting Issue...
First, this woman is NOT your mother-in-law; you are not married regardless of what you "consider yourself."
Second, you must take care of yourself. If you are 19 years old and going to college, then be 19 years old a go the college. DO NOT MESS THIS UP for some guy, that cannot decide if you are important enough to leave his mother for.
Come on... Use some of the college education thinking skills.
Unfortunately, the decisions you make today may alter your entire life. You are still young--enjoy this time.
If this guy hesitates about you, dump him. you are worth better.
I hate it when women "settle" for these jerks, then say, "all guys are jerks." there are great guys out there. Try looking on that college campus of yours.
They are nearby--have a good life direction--not certainly NOT living with mom still.
While this is probably not what you want to hear, do not ruin your life trying to fix his!
It sounds like he has a lot of baggage; and you--a carry on! Do not let his poor decisions miss YOUR flight of life.
I hope this helps.
2006-09-10 02:15:21 · answer #3 · answered by Teacher Man 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Try not to take your boyfriend's actions too personally, hes trying to put his family first, and he's probably feeling just as much stress about the relationship and how his family is afefcting it as you do, if not more. Just be supportive of him, and realize that sometimes, to do the right thing is to do what you need to do for yourself. If that means having to free himself from his mother's clutches and having to screw her over in the process so be it.
Naturally she's going to resent you because you are not only taking her son away from her, you are depriving her of her meal ticket. Because if he moves out with you, he won't have money to spend to support her. So no amount of being friendly or anything to her is going to sweeten that relationship, so don't expect a happy family to come of this situation.
He's got to sever the connection to his mother eventually, she's been leeching off of him for far too long, and it's supposed to her her job as a mother to support her son, not vice versa at so early an age. The sooner he realizes that and pulls away, the better. But don't bring that up so strongly if you talk to him about that... he'll probably get defensive.
2006-09-10 02:07:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Ok, your boyfriend needs to be on your side here a little more. That mom needs to grow up and be a adult now. She is 54 going on teenagish. I wouldn't apologise. You only spoke your mind and thats ok. I hope your boyfriend see's it your way and leaves home finally. He can still "help" her out without always handing out money. And he can always still "help" out living somewhere else too. Maybe the distance would do some good? Good luck. You did nothing wrong. Chin up. Don't give up your life for no one.
2006-09-10 02:06:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I personally believe she is being selfish.Your boyfriend should be allowed the right to live his own life without the guilt trip his mom is trying to put on him. Now, he has to believe that.Men are very protective about their moms and they should be,but the way she depends on him is hurting your relationship with him.He has to now set bounds to how much he is going to help her, and just to let you know, he won't fully stop and you will have to accept that if you are planning to be with him long term.The question is: How much and how long are you willing to endure this? Please remember that you are still young and there is so much in life that you will stand for and stand against. What will you stand for in your relationships?Its a wonderful thing when a man treats his mother well,but when he takes you as his wife-you will have to come first.He may or may not let up with helping mom.Remember, you wish to spend eternity with him.What will you stand for and against?If he Can't make up his mind, LEAVE! it will hurt, but it will be best! Best Wishes Little SIs... Keep me posted Please!
2006-09-10 02:23:56 · answer #6 · answered by Rhea M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if he can afford to carry his financial end with you should you two move in together ,and still help his mom, well great.it matters not what the others are doing for her or not doing for because your man is going to care for his mom regardless.she may be taking advantage of him and maybe not, but he is a stand up guy willing to respect the woman who birthed him.If this not a situation that is comfortable for you then you should not enter into it.you and he need to really be honest now or the whole thing will fall apart.also you need to know if he will at any time expect that his family may have to move in with the two of you at anytime in the future.you need no surprises or any assumed expectations.
2006-09-10 02:13:14 · answer #7 · answered by punkin 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He's 28 (and lives with mom) and you're 19? Please stay in school and take care of yourself first. DO NOT even consider moving up there. Encourage your bf to do what is best for himself too. It's time to cut "the cord" so to speak.
2006-09-10 02:09:57 · answer #8 · answered by mumbles_75 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend's mom is a parasite.
She absolutely looks at her son as a meal ticket.
I don't know what happened with the men in her life, but I'm willing to guess that she had ample opportunity to stay with someone ,or get someone new in her youth to take care of her.
Either way, she is now relying on her own child-- the ONLY child who her guilt trips seem to work with for support.
It is WRONG. and he needs to realize this.
Her daughter without the high school diploma should be the one to feel the burden of her mother, if anyone. YOu see.
It is normal in society for the BOY to leave his mother. She doesn't see anything wrong with being a leache on him for as long as he can do so if she is being taken care of.
Believe me, she doesn't want him to have a life of his own, or even happiness, unless it serves her.
Her motivations are way off, and she will have him convinced to the bitter end that it's out of LOVE.
Anyone who truly loved her son would let him go be happy, make a life for himself and wish him luck with his future.
NO doubt about it she's wispering in his ear what a bad person you are.
I bet she talks $h!t behind your back to him constantly.
He is a fool to be guilted into taking care of her.
She needs to put her lazy @ss daughter to work, get a job herself and perhaps apply for government assistance in the meantime.
Maybe even live in a car.
You can't depend on your kids till their pushin' thirty. that's just WRONG.
You my dear, are competition, you are going to steal her meal ticket away.
She doesn't care about him, she doesn't want grandchildren, she just wants someone to take care of her, even if it's a burden..she doesn't care. and obviously doesn't care about his life.
If she really wants a meal ticket so badly, perhaps she needs to get in shape and go looking for one. If she wants to stay single, then let the grown man GO and squeeze the remaining child for all they have til' they escape too.
Is the teenage girl overweight? Put her lazy but to work so she can fill the void your boyfriend is currently occupying.
(You should show your question and the responses to your boyfriend by the way,
maybe it will shake off her brainwashing.)
2006-09-10 02:03:19 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
O f course she does (1 your banging her soon well letting her son bang you (2 she has grown attached and will feel lonely (3 its a universal thing no mother in law likes any duaghter in law my tip just let him move with you and continue sending her money she will get used 2 it in time
2006-09-10 02:03:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋