He is a complete tool and they did hook up once in high school, she is 24 now and they are best friends, I am not threatened at all by him, no reason to be. But she picked out a song for them to dance to at the wedding, a Fleetwood Mac song, SIlver Springs. It seems very inappropriate, and I am usually not the type to say anything, but I am not sure what to do...any advice would be great. Thanks.
2006-09-10 01:24:41 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Her actions are openly insulting, and insensitive. And she really needs to know how you feel about this -- calmly and clearly.
Sit down with your fiance and ask her (in as non-threatening, and non-accusatory way as possible) to be completely honest about how she would feel if you chose a former girl-friend as your "Best Man," and were planning a special dance with her. Her answer is going to tell you volumes about her level of real maturity.
If she says, "it's not the same thing," look out -- you're dealing with a child who's incapable of seeing anything except from here narrow perspective.
If she says, "that would be fine with me," then she's lying, and once again -- look out -- this probably hasn't been the first time, and it won't likely be the last time, either.
If she goes indiscriminately bonkers on you; look out -- she's being selfish and irrational. She knows she's wrong and has no other option but to explode to change the subject. This is likely an indicator of how she will continue behaving after the ceremony.
Good luck -- I think you're going to need it.
2006-09-10 01:33:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I do think it is inappropriate, and really very weird, that she is choosing a song to dance with HIM to, at your wedding.If they just ended up having a dance--which really, would be normal enough--ok. But planning it? Down to the song?? It's hard to really get a feel for the whole situaution, with so little information. I don't necessarily think there is anything really "afoot", but do think you can afford to trust and respect your own feeling on this, and expect her to be respectful also. I would just keep re-iterating, staying as unflustered as possible, that you feel it's a little odd, it makes you feel uncomfortable(after all--if the maid of honour was a girl, she's hardly be planning a slow waltz would she?) and that you feel it might also make others raise an eyebrow, and could you work something else out, that makes the "buddy" of honour feel special an important. I believe a speech is traditional.
2006-09-10 08:34:33 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dude. No. The way you write this, juxtaposed with the lyrics of this song, my opinion is that he's a player and she wants him, but he has kept her on a string because she wants to be there.
Unless he is absolutely and unquestionably gay, and brings his partner to the wedding, I wouldn't even want him there. If that were the case, she may still want to convert him back to hetero.
Bridesmaids typically wear matching dresses, and do a lot of wedding things together. A maid/matron of honor, has a number of responsibilities. Is this guy going to be wearing a bridesmaid's dress, and planning the shower and going to the bachelorette party and helping her get dressed for the wedding? Heck, if I were dating one of the other bridesmaids I would have a problem with him in those situations.
Best friends and they admit having hooked up at least once in high school? If he has had committed relationships with other women, they would have gotten rid of her or him early on in the relationship. Women don't put up with that, and you shouldn't either.
Most marriages have disagreements on occasion. Who is she most likely to run to to tell her troubles: Her mother, a girlfriend, or him? If it's him she would run to, how can you not be threatened by him? They did hook up in high school.
If she had Daddy problems, perhaps this friend could stand for her, and "GIVE HER AWAY", when the officiant asks who gives this woman in marriage.
More bad news: Women who don't have close girlfriends are often in that situation because other women don't trust them. Usually it is the bride's closest girlfriend who acts as maid/matron of honor. Does she have many girlfriends?
You need to have a long talk with your fiancee, and discuss some serious issues with her. Maybe you aren't the type to usually say anything, but something this unusual at something as important as a wedding ceremony, which is for both of you, rises to the level of importance to have a serious discussion.
It sounds to me like at least one of you, possibly both, aren't ready for a lifetime commitment.
Sorry, just my two cents worth, based on having known a lot of people over my lifetime, even a number of people your age.
Good luck to ya,
Edit: I forgot to mention that I am an ordained minister, and this topic should have come up in pre-marital counselling. We don't talk about issues that come up in counselling to other people. Rarely we will ask another minister for input, without revealing the identities of the parties. They, too, maintain the sanctity of the confidence.
Get some pre-marital counselling either from a minister or a priest or at least some QUALIFIED AND IMPARTIAL professional social worker.
2006-09-11 04:04:08 · answer #3 · answered by Ragnarok 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well far be it for me to judge. however the fact of the maid of honour bieng male isnt really an issue. However i thin the issue lies in the fact that ur fiancee and this guy have history....and she has picked out a song ? whatever the song mate its still kinda inaapropriate.....if he where familly then i cud understand it but just for a friend ? hmmmmm to be honest id sit down with her nice and calm and let her know that u are uncomfortable with it ! if she dont know ur feelings she cant do anything bout it to be fair, so tell her let her respond allow her to rectify if she doesnt well then its a time to either (a) Put ur foot down and insist on things changeing (b) re think ur life plan m8, i say that due to the fact that if u marry this girl ur gunna wanna know in ur mind that ur missus is always gunna be there to back up but also to think bout ur feelings as well as her own.....as im sure do......hope this help and good luck with this one :)
2006-09-10 08:30:26 · answer #4 · answered by Phantom Viper 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was going to tell you not to worry too much, but than I red lyrics of the song... It seems very inappropriate to me as well.
My mother's maid of honor was guy, but it is completely different story, coz they never was or could be couple, and their families had several best man and godfather connections, so they treat each other almost like family, and I have idea that his son might be my maid of honor.
I think you have to be 100% sure about her feelings for you and for him, or even better - SHE has to be 100% sure. And even about his feelings for her.
God, it is already strange, and with that song even more!
Well, it might be that you exaggerate (and me as well).
Explain her, she should understand. At least she should change the song.
2006-09-10 08:35:59 · answer #5 · answered by no one 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wasn't familiar with the song until i looked up the lyrics to respond to this question, and I agree. That kind of song isn't an appropriate selection at all. I'd just bring it up to her casually, and as if she could pick another song, and possibly have suggestions of your own.
I'd find it offensive if my newly wedded wife danced with another man to a love song, especially one that she's been intimate with, it wouldn't sit well.
2006-09-10 08:28:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
if your not threatened by him well a dance with him ok but 1st not to a hand picked song 2nd a guy as maid of honor im sorry but for me there would be no way that would happen.
2006-09-10 08:30:00 · answer #7 · answered by land057 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's your wedding as well...
with memories to live on...
If this is what you want to remember for the rest of YOUR marriage so be it.
If it were me, I'd have to ask for a little more care and discretion.
Very inappropriate.
Maid of honor should be a woman...
The dance can be shared elsewhere if she insists...
I know you love her...
but I would postpone this wedding until she gets her stuff together and makes her decision as to which man will be the one she builds memories with.
2006-09-10 08:28:40 · answer #8 · answered by Warrior 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you don't feel right about it you have to bring it to her attention. Keep in mind, you are marrying this woman! You can't just not say anything and let it quietly bother you, that always ends badly. Its probably not even a big deal to her, she probably won't think twice about switching songs or explaining herself if its something that matters to you. Good luck man!
2006-09-10 08:35:16 · answer #9 · answered by nevermind_my_id 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would think about this twice. If she even picked out a song for them to dance together, it doesn't sound right to me. I don't want to influence in any way. Just think hard on this. OK?
2006-09-10 08:27:35 · answer #10 · answered by Boricua Born 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋