How do we ease the transition w/ custody change?

Question

My boyfriend & I will soon be taking primary custody of his 12-yr-old son (in December). We currently have him on Mondays & every other wknd. Basically, what's to happen is that the custody arrangement will be reversed, his mom will have him every other wknd, she will pay us child support, etc. This whole situation is very much agreed upon amongst all of us, so this is not like we're "taking" the child (just wanted to clarify that point).
My question is, how do we ease the child into living w/ us full time? Things are very different for him when he's w/ us as it is, since he knows we have expectations of him, whilst his mother spoils him rotten & lets him get away w/ a LOT of bad behavior. We're strict, but we're fun, too. There's a very nice balance w/ us. We just need to know how to make this all easier for all of us. Routines? Schedules?
I should also mention that the child has been diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder, so he can be quite the handful at times.

He is on medication for the bi-polar.
He doesn't yet know about the change in custody, if we tell him before it actually transpires, all he will do is obsess over it and also make his mom miserable for the duration.
I don't have kids of my own, but my "parenting experiences" exceed over 20 yrs of childcare.

New news...today, my boyfriend asked his son how he'd feel if he were to come live with us for a while. He seems really excited about the "possibility". This all came up because his mother wants to move out of state with her boyfriend, and he'd much rather stay here.
I hope this is promising...that maybe easing him into the idea like this is the best way to go.

Answer 1

wow. good luck.

seems he already has an idea of what to expect from you and I'm sure that structure and order are things he is lacking from his other parent. I think you are off to a good start and be ready for the occasional tantrum when he returns from a weekend of being spoiled.

once you get him added to your insurance you can check on the availability of counselling services for his disorder.

Answer 2

You describe the child more as an Obsessive Compulsive Disordered kid (OCD) than a bipolar kid (manic-depressive). I think you should have told him and allowed him the time to at least process the changes that will occur. I think the first thing I would do is talk with him and make it clear that, while you are not his mother, it is also your house and everyone needs to follow certain rules, including you, him and dad. You talk about expectations, but you need to be very very clear as to what expectations are realistic and which are not. You cannot, for example, ask a two-year old to clean his room and make his bed. It's beyond his developmental readiness. Even this 12 year old has developmental issues, especially because of his mental status. So please keep this in mind. Most of all, reward his good behaviors even faster than punishing the bad. Let his father do the limit-setting if possible.

Answer 3

I suggest you do some in-depth study of bi-polar disorder. Is he on meds for the bi-polar? How does he feel about the change? If he is OK with it, you need to sit him down and explain your expectations, and any rewards involved. If, he is against the move, hold onto your hat, you are in for a bumpy ride, and he will make it as difficult for you as he can. Every child needs boundaries and routine, but at 12, he also needs some space to express himself. If you don't have kids of your own, and your only parenting experience has been every Monday & every other weekend, you might consider some research on normal teen behaviors. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Well I can tell you this will not be easy. He will probably resent you after awhile because he will have rules and things that are expected from him. A child who has a parent that does spoil them always will say that they would rather be with them. Its very hard to hear some of the things the child may say to you, but remember later on in life that child will know which parent has done the best for the child. I would not immediately start throwing on things toward him that he is not use to but slowly work your way into it. You also need to be very patient with this child because of the bi-polar disease. His emotions will be very easily confused.

Answer 5

Since you seem to have a good relationship with his mom, I would suggest talking to her to see if she can start with some routines. She doesn't have to do everything like you do, but if major things like bedtime are the same between the mom's house and yours, it will make the transition easier.

You need to tell him what's going on, as far as the transition is concerned. If you just spring it on him all of a sudden, that's not going to make the transition that much more difficult. You may want to break it into small bits of news so he can get used to one idea at a time--maybe say first that the custody is changing, then let him know he'll be with you more than with his mom, then let him know all the details.

If you're in the same area as his mom, make sure his care for his bi-polar doesn't change, or changes as little as possible. Also, his obsessing over details doesn't sound much like bi-polar, so you may want to talk to his therapist/counselor/etc. Also, if he is meeting with a therapist/counselor/etc, speak with them for ideas on how to make this transition as easy as possible. They are in the best position to say what will help him.

Answer 6

Consistency is key in situations like this. As long as he learns there are penalties for bad behavior and rewards for good behavior everything will work out. It may be a little rocky at first, but anything is possible with enough patience and open communication. Try to impress upon his mother that she will have to keep his schedule (while he is at her home) consistent with the schedule that is set at your home as this will help him feel more secure and balanced. If she refuses to do this and underminds your attempts to make his life better and more drug free (one would hope) Then you might want to think about taking away all of her rights or reducing her to supervised visitation...

Answer 7

okay samething happened with my step children at the same age range, always remember that this is your house, and that there are rules,make sure wkae up and bed time is arranged,great if he could stay up till ten at his mom, but he's not there is he? when hes there he can make full use of her rules but not at yours.kids aren't stupid if they can go three months and remeber school rule, then they can remeber rules between house. Don't cater to his moods, this will just give him the upper hand and will start using his moods to minipulate you and his dad. being the outsider you maybe able to see when the child is trying and succeeding at minipulation, whiule the parents will excuse thir actions, so don't let him use bi-polar as an excuse, just remember he's a kid not an adult, so treat him as a chiuld not adult

Answer 8

i think that if you wanted to make it easier on the son, you would tell him what is going on. otherwise you are keeping him in the dark and he is going to resent it and i cant say that i blame him at all.

he knows what you expect from him and he knows what his mother expects. the child is not stupid.

if he has adjusted to the schedule before, he shouldnt have that much of a problem adjusting to the schedule being almost the same.

i think that you are making a mistake not telling him. he wont trust you anymore because you are shaking his world up and dont think that he will notice? he is going to feel like he has been betrayed because you didnt let him have a say in anything. i guarantee that

Answer 9

Media and music being courting love and drama obsessed, human beings over perceive their problems with one of those music, is someone extremely shifting on even as their listening to music about their subject matters? in the 80's and ninety's music replaced into about playing existence and residing the instantaneous, now majority of that is the alternative and music has a huge effect on human beings and cultures.

Answer 10

Bi-polar does not mean stupid. To not tell him of a major life altering fact is just silly,stupid and selfish on your part. No matter what, the transition will not be as smooth as you would hope. Have paitence and give it time, remember,there is always tommorow.