am i being unreasoable not allowing my dayghters dad see her on his terms?

Question

my daughter is almost three myself and her dad split up when she was almost one at the start he'd see her when he felt like adn sometimes cld go 3-4 weeks without seeing her he was always good with money and made sure she didnt go without but it always felt like he only saw her when it suited him he goes out when he likes has been on hols like three times this year,i was the one who broke up with him although i still have feelings for him i knnow it wouldnt work.Lately though he got really good and was taking her two nights a week i work in a pub on weekends and hate having to always ask my mum to mind her so he was taking her but then when i colected het sat he was all grumpy sayin he wont take her on weekends anymore jst so i can go off with my boyfriend which isnt true he said he'l only take her mid-week i've refused and said i wont allow him see her unless he takes her at weekends hes going mad and said he wont pay for her day care am i being unreasonable,or am i right

ok i dont mean not let him see her jst on weekends.I live wit my mum so it does feel like a burdon when ask her to mind her.also i work two jobs one five days during the week and the other at weekends so that why i want her to go wit him at weekends so i get a small break also i never see my friends without my daughter which i miss i'd to grow from being a teen into adult

and by weekend i mean either fri or sat not both like either and maybe one mid week hows that unreasonable

and one last thing to one or more of the comments i dont think im workin too much as its neccesary i have to so that i can earn money to supposrt my daughter so as i dont need to live off benefits all our lives and so i can buy my daughter things she deserves and am only wokrin for summer back college ijn sep so i can get a proper education so can get a good job and provide for my baby

Answer 1

When I split with my children's father he did the same thing. He did it because he did not want to be used as a babysitter so I could go out and do my own thing. In the end he restricted himself to two hours to prevent me from having a life independent of the children.
As a mother we always have to put our children ahead of everything else in our life whether we want to or not. Trouble is that men are so used to putting themselves first, second, third etc it often becomes the norm for them. It is also a "control" issue as well.
You decide what is best for you and if he does not like it he can go through the courts. It is what my ex husband did with me.

Answer 2

I totally understand where you are coming from I have 3 kids and live with my mom and I work almost full time and am a college student. I think that you 2 need to sit down and work out a deal even if he takes her every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week. It is only fair that he handle some of the responsibility. You are very lucky you get money from him. I rarely get support. If you 2 can not work something out then you need to get either child support involved or a lawyer. They usually say the dads have to at least do every other weekend and some nights during the week but different agencies do it different ways. Just hang in there hopefully you both can be level headed and work things out together.
Another thing he does not need to worry about what you do when it is his time with his daughter. When you have her he does what he wants.

Answer 3

DO NOT STOP HIM FROM SEEING HER

This is exactly what my mum did to me and my dad. Admitedly, I was quite a bit older than your daughter as they split when I was 9. But it was horrible, purely because my mother wanted more maintenance money (She was already getting an obscene amount)

Mum would do it on and off for years, stopping me seeing him at 6 months at a time. It got to the point where my dad would sneak visits, be it at the bus stop before I went to school, or he'd pop round when she was at work. I hated the sneaking about, and invariably I got caught and labelled "A traitor" (not nice thing to be called, especially when you are still a child and this is coming from your mother)

Of course, being banned from seeing dad also meant I couldnt see my grandparents, and other extended family - meaning as well as hurting me and dad, it was hurting a whole network of people. Whether my mum realised this, I have no idea.

It wont work, your daughter will resent you for it, and that is one thing I have never forgiven my mother for doing. I'm now 23!!!!

Sit down with your ex, talk through the situation, but NEVER use your daughter as a pawn in the arguements. It will backfire. Think of your daughters needs first.

Answer 4

i am sorry to say this but, you are a selfish person, you don't feel that you should be a responsible parent towards your daughter, so what if he cant have his daughter on certain days, why should it bother you! at least he is going to see her, you live with mum, well baby's gran, do you find it hard to let mum (gran) watch baby, while you work and give your mum something special for helping you out, IE flowers, fags, £10 to go bingo, you should know what mum likes, because if you were living on tour own with baby away from family you would have to pay childminder, your life does not stop if baby father can't do....have you brothers and sisters that could help out too! just think of your daughter, stop making demands just to suit yourself, you say your working you should be able to get help childcare cost, dont let your ex see things bother you be an independent woman, if he can only see the baby once a week just say fine his visits should not effect your life in the slightest, get on with your life with your beautiful daughter,

Answer 5

I do not think that any1 has the right to stop a parent from seeing their child unless the absent parent is a threat in any way to the child you chose to have a child with this person there for you should accept that he will want to see the chld and come to some sort of amicable agreement with him about this because a child is not a toy that he can pick up and put down when it pleases him, and the child may not thank you when it is older if she is not aloud to see daddy as much as she would like to.

Answer 6

It isn't right to not allow Dad to see your daughter in order to manipulate him into doing what you want. It is also unreasonable to expect him to take her every weekend, whether you are working or not. I believe the best idea would be to have him take her two weekends on and one weekend off since you are working, however you may have to accept every other weekend. On off weekends you should have him take her during the week, preferably one of your days/nights off. It is never okay to use your children as a weapon - in the end you will be the one to suffer and the one who will be treated as a "bad guy". Good luck and try to remember what you want is what's best for you daughter.

Answer 7

i would try to work out a visitation schedule i.e. twice a week for a few hours and every other weekend. only spending time with her during the week, isn't enough time. i wouldnt let him come and go whenever he wants to. ur daughter is getting to that age where shes gunna wonder why daddy is sometimes there and sometimes not. if he really wants to be involved in her life, he'll agree to some sort of visitation schedule. if both of you cant agree to some sort of schedule, then i wouldnt let him see her at all til he agrees to a schedule. if you really concerned that he'll stop paying any support, i would get the court system involved.

Answer 8

There needs to be a bit of give and take to make the situation as convenient as possible for both parties. It's reasonable also to expect a certain amount of commitment from him as to a regular time/ day I don't think you can refuse to let him see his daughter at the age she is, she'll blame you in the end, and that's not worth it. But you can say that a date he suggests is inconvenient and make him rearrange it. As she gets older if he continues to be unreliable she needs to know this, and be supported as she comes to terms with it herself. I know this is really hard, but as much as possible try not to bad mouth him to her, just give her the facts if you're talking to her, I used to nanny for a family who'd divorced and the mum was always telling the kids how crap their dad was- he was- but a child will find it extremely difficult to resent or dislike a parent and will become resultful eventually. Good luck resolving the situation.

Answer 9

You split up with him. You don't have the right to be jealous of his freedom. You have to be straight up about weekends, but if he won't play ball take the kid to mum. Don't try and restrict him, it just breeds bad feeling and ends up affecting the kid. I know cos I've been there. The kid will end up resenting you for it. I know my kid has decided to go to boarding school to get away from her mum and she still remembers with bitterness the obstacles her mum put in the way of our dad/daughter relationship, even though it hasn't happened for 6 years (kid now 12).
Even if you are not together, you've both got to compromise for the sake of the kid.


PS STAY OUT OF COURT IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. YOU CAN MAKE A PRIVATE AGREEMENT AND HAVE IT NOTARISED WITHOUT INVOLVING THE COURT.

Answer 10

Sounds like you are being unreasonable to me.. Why can't he see them during the mid-week? Are his days off at that time? If he works during the weekends, then obviously seeing them during the weekends is not possible.

You should could yourself lucky he wants to see his children. My ex-wife has seen my daughter perhaps 6 times in 10 years and owes $20k in back child support.

Don't expect perfection out of anyone, and you won't be disappointed.