Will she grow out of this?

Question

I have a stepdaughter who is about to turn 7 and I really try very hard to have a good relationship with her. Now before I get people jumping down my throat I know that divorce is hard on children and they often are confused by all of it, but she is horrible. I honestly don't know what to do. My husbands family put her on a pedastal and I think it is making her worse. She has a 5 year old brother who is precious and they treat him totally different. They bow to her every want and she knows how to work them. They will completely incovience everyone to make sure she gets what she wants. And the little boy just gets put on the back burner. He has no choice but to do so . his sister demands ALL the attention. She is sooo bad that when she throws hers fits and gets her way she will smile and say Thats what I thought. She tells me and her daddy that we are going to hell because my husbands isn't married to her mom any more!!!! I am to the piont where I don't want to be around her !!!! HELP!!

Answer 1

Remember that scene in 6th Sense where the step mom poisons the little girl?

Answer 2

I think it would help if all the adults in the family stop treating her as if she is a prize "possession" and work together on emotional discipline. She is at an age where she definitely knows what she is doing. It seems that the in-laws are also acting out.

Only time and patience will help in this case. You have to remember you are the adult, and lead as an adult. I know it's hard, I've been in a similar situation. The difference is, the children were all teens and very nasty.

We can offer all sorts of advice, only you have to live with it. It would help if her mother participated in setting her straight. I don't know how much of a stretch that would be for you and your husband. Sometimes the ex is absolutely against working toward a positive goal, just to be spiteful.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Here's my idea(take it or leave it)... call a family meeting(minus daughter for now),this can be with all the family or just you and dad and explain the situation from where YOU stand and how bowing to her every whim is not good for her(sometimes people bow to their childrens whims thinking it will keep the peace) and for goodness sake find out who told her about the going to hell( family members are NOTORIOUS for using children when they don't like someone or certain situations).Be firm, don't let them push any buttons, don't scream or use foul language(remeber you are trying to get tham on your side).
Once everyone has agreed to things(noone will agree to EVERYTHING) then get the daughter involved and explain how things are going to change, that noone is going to hell, and stick by what you say including consequences for inappropriate behavior.
Next You,Daddy,and Ex and kids sit down....have daay explain that while he and mommy may still love each other there are reasons that have nothing to do with them why they are split and that he loves their new mommy very much.
Now as for your stepdaughter-----when she starts being nasty,cut her off. Tell her that if she has nothing nice to say you don't want to hear it and walk away...if you can't walk away then try to ignore her(turn up the music, sing to yourself) if she continues try TIME OUT or Don't let her do her favorite thing(the longer she kvetches the longer her Time Out). Whatever you do stay firm..if you put her in TimeOut for 5 mins don't let her out after 2 keep to the 5.
As for her brother, try to spend some extra time with him,just the two of you.
Good Luck

Answer 4

It sounds like this is a major discipline issue. You have to talk to your husband about better discipline, but make sure he uses it, not you, or else she will bear a grudge against you.

Your husband should have zero tolerance for tantrums. As soon as she starts throwing a fit, he should tell her to go into her room and to come out when she's stopped yelling. If she refuses to go on her own, he will have to make her (not hurting her, just firmly steering her into the bedroom.) Once she is in her room, resume what you were doing before the tantrum, and ignore any screaming or crying coming from the room. When she realizes that her tantrums don't work anymore, she will likely snap out of it.

When she starts in on the whole, "you're going to hell" thing, have her father tell her that is no way to talk to her stepmom or dad, and that she needs to apologize immediately. Rudeness shouldn't be tolerated either.

It sounds like the brother is being pushed into the background, which isn't fair for him. Why should the well behaved one get less attention? You should plan outings, just you, your husband, and his son. Spend quality time with him alone, so he knows that he isn't less important than his sister.

Good luck, and I hope your relationship improves!

Answer 5

Unfortunately the only thing you can do is talk to your husband and try to get him to put the hammer down. They are doing a real disservice to this little girl but you are in the unfortunate position of being caught between a rock and a hard place. If you husband can't see reason....I would say that you impose you own rules in your house. Demand of her that she act accordingly or there will be consequences and really try to get Daddy to back you up. Otherwise, it will be hell for you. I had a very stern but loving step mom and credit her for my turning out as well as I did. She didn't let me get away with anything and I am grateful but she had the backing of my Dad.
Basically if Dad ain't ready to do the hard work, then she is a lost cause. You may be her only hope, even though she will really hate you in the short term if you can pull it off. She will thank you later.
It's not her fault she is acting the way she is, it's Mom and Dad who have allowed that bad behavior to continue.

Answer 6

Wow, that has to be so hard for you and your step son as well.
I know that you say your husbands family puts her on a pedastal, but they do not live with you.
When she is at your house you need to treat her like the child she is, and be the adult that you are.
She is 7 years old.
4 year olds understand the concept of "consequences for your actions".
If she starts throwing a tantrum, set the timer.
For every minute of a tantrum she gets one minute in a chair facing the corner.
If she starts to throw another tantrum, not only does the time start over, but the additional tantrum minutes are added on as well.
When she starts telling you that you are going to go to hell, you explain that in the 10 commandments that she needs to be respectful to her parents.
Not only is her behavior disrepectful, but it is just not nice.
You would be surprised what kind of answer you would get if you asked her if you and her switched places - what would she do?
You need to ask this question in a calm moment - obviously not when she is in tantrum mode.

Talk to your husband and make a game plan.
When his family is around and she starts acting like this you two need to stick together (you don't say if your husband is behind you or not,if not I would get counseling as a couple so he can understand how much this is hurting you and your relationship with him).
Be gentle but firm with his family that this behavior is not going to be tolerated and it is not their place to say differently.

Sit her down, lay out the rules - and the consequenses for her behavior, then follow through.

If she knows in advance when Grandma & Grandpa are over and she is not behaving, not only will there be consequences while they are there (you must now go to your room and stay there until they leave - you might have to ask your in-laws to leave if she does not stay in her room), and after they leave (you have lost t.v. privilege, you will not be using your gameboy or playstation, you are grounded to the yard,house,room, etc.).

It will be hard at first, but once she gets the constant message that you are the adult in charge and that she will be treated consitantly and fairly every time she will come around.

My sister-in-law had a similar issue only with her step son was a 15 year old boy who actaully pulled a knife on her.
She calmly looked him in the eye and told him put that thing away and if you ever try that again - the police would be called and when he got out of jail he would be on a bus back to his mother.
Once he understood that she was not going to let him run her life, by tantrums or threats he (begrudgingly at first) learned to treat her with respect.

The boy is 25 years old now, and tells her that she is more of a mother to her than his own mom - and he is so gratefull that she is in his life.

There are hard days ahead, but good years are awaiting you if you keep firm.

Good luck!!!!

Answer 7

She's acting out against what has happened between her Mother and Father. Talk to your Husband, the relatives while thinking they are helping are only making things worse. It will lead to something happening to the little boy as well. I would suggest family counseling and individual counseling for the kids, her especially. The brother can not go on being ignored and her behavior needs to be sorted out. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Ignore the 7 year old and focus on the poor little boy who is starved for attention. You will not be able to change how the family treats this little sh*t of a girl. Talk to your husband about how you feel and get his idea's on how to deal with her because sadly she is going to get worse as she gets older

Answer 9

I also hope you two dont have children together, that will be another huge issue especially with the inlaws.
If your husband doesnt acknowledge it and you inlaws just make it worse there is nothing you can do that wont make you look like an EVIL step mom.
Your husband needs to discipline his daughter and maybe keep her away from the grndoparents if you can for a while.
She doesnt have to like you but she needs to respect you. It is unacceptable for her to tell you things like that, and you husband needs to talk to her.
If he wont do it then I would be gone when she over visiting. If she lives with you full time, sorry it will only get worse if he doesnt do anything, and then I wouldnt waste your time with him.
Yes its hard on kids....harder on a loving step parent.
Good luck email me if you need more.

Answer 10

god grant you with endurance, patience and a bit of sanity because your going to need it. the other parent is spoiling this child or encouraging her to behave this way to make things harder on you and her ex (yours now). where else would she hear things like that and then think its ok to repeat them? did she behave this way when they were still together? it sounds like she's using her daughter to get at the two of you. the son is still to young to manipulate but as he gets older he will fall into the same pattern if the parents can't learn to communicate with themselves and not through the kids. if you don't want to be around her then don't. i know its not her fualt she's being used but you don't have to put up with disrespect either. put your focus on the boy and maybe when she sees that he gets attention for good behavior she might try harder with you too. honestly though the parents need to get her counciling and themselves too. does your husband put his daughter on a pedestal and the son goes without? everytime she throws a fit and they give in it just reenforces her bad behavior. i don't know what you can do. they are not your kids. talk to your husband and really let him know how you feel about this brat of his. if he doesn't have the backbone to stand up to his family and ex wife then i don't know what you are going to do. stay strong and good luck.

Answer 11

i feel there is alot more to this than you are saying first i have alot of questions how long has him and her mother been divorced? second does she live with you also her mother? from the sound of all this i think her mother or someone is putting stuff in her head a suggestion to you spend alot more time with the son take him places with out her do stuff with him only theres alot more advice i could give if i knew alot more about the situation