Stepmoms can you give me your opinion?

Question

My stepson is very disrespectful to me. He has made it very clear to me that he moved here ( 2 1/2 months ago) to live with his dad in his dads house, and that his dad is his only parent in this house. He made a comment in front of my brothers wife, "I don't have to listen to my stepmom. My dad is my only parent here." When I tell him to do something, he waits till I turn my back and then goes outside or to watch TV. He has a very smartmouth to me. I did tell my husband and he sat him down and told him that the way he treated me was unacceptable and would not continue. He told his dad that I made him mad all the time (telling him what to do, making him do chores, etc.) He doesn't do this stuff in front of his dad, so I know it will just continue when my husband isn't around, it always does. I have tried to talk to him myself, but he just looks at me with a confused look and lets it go in one ear and out the other. What do I do to get more respect from him?

Sorry, he turns 12 next month.

Did anyone understand a thing that Lins typed? Cause I sure didn't. That one is certainly a thumbs down from me.

Answer 1

Said it before with your stepdaughters, stop trying to be the boss of them. Try befriending them. Your driver attitude towards your step children make them hate you in turn making them not want to come over. This may be your grand plan but the end result is that your stepson loses his father. Your husband should be the one to issue chores not you.

Very tragic

Answer 2

I have been pretty lucky - my stepkids at least consider me an authority figure. That is, they have never told me I am not a parent.
What I have done is let hubby take the lead. I back him up on his decisions/punishments. I do correct the kids, but in a gentler manner (ie. setting them down for a certain length of time, taking away the playstation, etc.).
I also do my best to be fair to ALL the kids - mine and his. His boys have even told Grandma (his mom) how fair I am - getting to the bottom of the disagreement instead of just punishing the kid who was accused of something.
You didn't mention the age of your stepson. Some of the behavior could be age, some could just be testing the boundaries (you said he hasn't been there long) and unfortunately some could be the idea that if you and dad split mom and dad will remarry.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but does he treat his biological mom that way? He may not have respect for women, depending on the mother/son dynamics he has been exposed to prior to moving in with you and his dad. Also, some cultural backgrounds are very male-dominated so that could be a factor.
Be patient. Maybe having dad set down the rules and expectations (chores, bedtimes, etc.) may improve his behavior. When he sees you and dad as a united front, things should improve. It takes a while - just try to be a friend and assure him you are not trying to replace his mom.

Answer 3

I have sort of the same situation you have. The exception is that I am the father that has a significant other. I have not remarried yet, but my girlfriend does live with me and my three children. My wife passed away 5 years ago. That left a lot of anger and sadness within my daughter who was 8 at the time. I met a wonderful women and we have been living together. When my girlfriend first started being around my 13 yo told her in no uncertain terms that she was not her mother and she would not be listening to her. I left one night for about 3 hrs and in that time my three children ages 13, 7, and 5 had ganged up on her and had her in tears. When I got home I talked to my children and they were punished. I did that because I thought it was disrespectful, etc... As time went on my two younger children, neither who remember their mother warmed up to her and my youngest child began calling her mom. My eldest daughter (13) hated that her brother called her mom and became openly disrepectful she did not care where she was or who was in the room. I decided to let my girlfriend try and handle it. When that didn't work, I ,as her father, stepped in. I made sure that she was respectful and I handled it when she wasn't. I'm not sure whether I created a mutual respect between my girlfriend and my daughter or just a fear of being punished, but nevertheless things are better. I think you need to have the father step in and make the son accountable for his actions. He knows the child best and needs to help you a bit more then it seems he is. Also, if he is being punished by his father, he will ally with you. You will become the friend and Dad the bad guy. It will be better for you to have a friend instead of a mortal enemy. Children are stubborn, but will eventually give in. He just needs a reason to.

I wish you luck. Children can sometimes boggle our minds, but they are worth it in the end. Try to enjoy him and not constantly butt heads.

Good luck, Coilin

Answer 4

I read an article that said that the biological parent should do all the discipline. The question is what do you do around the kid until the dad gets home?
I don't think the child has a right to disrespect you stepparent or not. Your husband needs to demand that his son respects you no matter what. Your husband needs to set the tone for your household.
I am encountering the same situation, the boy is 10. He hasnt said that to me yet but I have let his father know that his son does not have to like me, but he must respect me.

Answer 5

Respect is earned, it is not a given. I would explain that while you are not his mom, you are his father;s wife and he needs to listen to you, as well as his dad, if he is going to live under your roof. Yes, you are not his parent, but you are the other adult living in the house. Have you tried sitting down and asking him what his likes and dislikes are about the living arrangements. Some things you will be able to compromise on, others you will not. Do you show respect to him and his feelings? We cannot expect others to respect us if we don't first of all respect ourselves and also other people. Learn how to pick you battles. If it is not a safety or well-being issue, perhaps its not worth battling over. I would definitely leave the disciplining up to his dad. That's not your job. Spend some time getting to know the things that he likes to do and do it with him. It sounds as though he sees you as a threat, rather than a friend. Work on becoming friends with this boy first. The respect will come later.

Answer 6

Give him the same treatment, when he wants something from you, or wants to ask you a question give him the same treatment. Let your husband know, before hand, so it doesn't backfire on you. Another way to trap him in his scheme to make you miserable, have your husband in another room, and let him know you are going to tell his son to clean something. When he gets smart mouth with you, hubby will hear it, or get a small tape recorder, and record what the kid is mouthing off to you about, and let hubby hear it. That should take care of mouth. When hubby ask what you want done, tell him to take away the tv, computer, etc for a week. Respect is on the way.

Answer 7

He has told you what he wants from his relationship with you. You aren't his mom, he will only listen to his father. Honor that. His father will do everything for him. He needs a ride? He can call his father. He needs a special outfit for something? His father can take care of it. He wants to go to a movie? His father can take him.

I know how that sounds, believe me, but detaching from him is the only thing you can do that will work in this situation. I think in a few months he will realize that treating you like you are invisible isn't going to help him long term. And all teens are self centered monsters at times. It sounds like stepson is a teen.

Answer 8

I am not a step mom, but I know a great one. She is divorced with two and married a man who was divorced with one. Okay she took her ex-husbands wife aside and told her...When my children are in your care, your are their mother...I expect for you to to step up and be there for them, as I would, to help them to teach them and to love them. She told the women not to worry about stepping on any toes. If your sons mother is capable of doing this that would be a great asset to you. I must say it takes a hell of a women to do that. I do not know if I could. Does the dad spend any time with his son? Has there always been contact between them? If he is a teenager that poses a whole new set of problems. He also feel loyalty to his mother...you can't blame him for that. If he likes you, he might feel like he is betraying his mom. He is in a tough spot....and so are you. Communicate with him...See what he wants. My husband stepped into his dad's house at 16...almost an adult...and if you ask his step mom...he was a terror. If you talk to him...all he wanted was to get to know his dad. Time with his dad. He never got it, and there relationship is strained. Try to get him to tell you what he needs. You can't possibly know...he hasn't been yours from the beginning. Just go slow, get to know him, and love him, respect him and give him some understanding. It might not work quickly,,,but in the end he will see what you tried to do, and maybe...He will be bring his family home to you guys for Christmas Dinner....

Answer 9

You didn't say how old he is, knowing how old he is would help in knowing what to do. If he's in elementary, then whatever chores you give him, help him at first. Kids these age HATE chores no matter how simple they are and helping him until he gets over his contempt for you will help you look less like the bad guy and more like a 'cool' person. Rewards would seem to help too. Tell him if he does what you tell him to do, he can do this...or you'll take him here for a little while. Whatever you can do to seem less like someone to tell him what to do...the more he'll probably ease up.

Answer 10

Wow! I don't know what I'd do if my step son said something like that to me or acted that way towards me. I had a bit of conflict when we all began living as a family regarding my 8 yr. old step son's behavior. I am more in tune with the kids behavior and what needs to be addressed than their father but I couldn't get him to notice on his own and reinforce the rules so I used a system I got from Nanny911. I used two pickle jars. One labeled bad, one labeled good. I typed a list of behaviors that were unacceptable (these change from summer to school depending on what areas are lacking) and both children have to abide by the same rules. If they do the bad behavior they get bad marbles and if they get so many they get a privilege taken away or are made to do a chore. However, you don't want to only notice a child when they are being bad so you have to reward them when they are being good also. I don't have a list of things for being good as I judge that on a daily basis but things like, being thoughtful to each other, sharing, not arguing most the day, or simple things like remembering to put your dish in the sink, can all get rewards. I like to reward them by buying a small toy at a dollar store or taking them somewhere fun on the weekend. You can get them to make a list of things they would like to do for being good. This gets them involved too. You wouldn't believe how much they start caring about not being bad or getting bad marbles. You can also make it a fun competition between the kids. If one is being way better than the other I make a comment about how so and so has got ___ good marbles and no bad or something like that and it gets their attention. You don't want them to get jealous of each other or anything but just mentioning it sometimes gets them to try harder.
I feel for you on this one. Being a step mom is hard. I'm dreading the day mine become teenagers or close to it. I've tried to explain to them that I get onto them so they know how to act and so they will do better in life and have respect. I tell them examples of kids/adults that I've seen that can never keep a job or friends because they have no respect for anyone and don't care. I also tell them that it would be easier for me to let them run wild and not bother with them but that I'm not going to do that because I care how they turn out and I want them to be respectful, courteous, contributing members of soceity. They seem to understand and want rules and stability. Lord knows they need it after all they been through. Good luck and you can contact me if you want to converse further.