Son with Vibrator???

Question

I found a vibrator in my 13 year old son's closet...I'm not too sure what to do? He's home schooled and I'm not too sure where he got it from. I feel like I should talk to him about it...kind of make it a bonding experince. His father died 2 years ago and he's been acting diffrently since. I just want him to be happy but I don't know what to do? Please help and be serious I need your help!?

I am homeschooling my son because he used to go to catholic school...which provided a very good education. When his father died I couldn't afford for him to go to private school anymore. So I decided to homeschool him. The public schools in the area are not very good...but he is still involved in sports and normal activities.

Again he did go to school for up until a year ago when I couldn't afford it anymore. And if he is gay...I could care less. The reason why I was in his closet in the first place was to put his clothes away! He does have lots of friend his own age and as a matter of fact he was pretty popular when he was in school! I don't apreciate those of you who think you know what my life is like and who are trying to blame this on me or make me out as a bad person! Let me clarify my question: Should I confront him or just keep to myself? Thank You for those who haven't been too quick to judge!

I have moral beliefs but I also live in the "real world" for me it is understandable for a 13 year old to masturbate...my concern is why he has a vibrator in order to do so. I am as you put it "simply uncomfortable discussing this with my son." It's an ackward conversation (which I'm sure you can understand). Although it is ackward I am willing to have the much needed conversation. Your suggestion about "Big Brothers" is an excellent one. I will look into that as well as watching him more carefully. My father has been actively involved in my children's lives (I have 3 sons and 2 daughters). I try my best to give them all the individual attention they desire but it's hard at times. My oldest son is the only one having such a difficult time. I don't think he's being sexually abused...and I don't know how or why this device is in my home. I just need to know how to have the conversation with him. He knows about sex but I don't know how to handle this one!

Answer 1

You shouldn't talk to him about it. That would just embarrass him and he probably wouldn't talk to you. Does he have an uncle that he is close to ? Or how about an older cousin ? I can not think of a single reason why he would have one , except for it he got a hold of yours by accident and threw it in his closet because he was embarrassed.

Answer 2

Dear Edna,

You are asking us what you should do, but this answer depends entirely on your own moral ideals. You note that you sent him to a Catholic school, but you don't go much beyond that, and you don't provide any thoughts as to whether you have moral difficulty or are just simply uncomfortable with the idea of discussing this with your son.

In the end, you must sit and pray and consider whether the loss of his father has sent him down a dark path, where his choices go more and more morally wrong. If he has been acting strangely for two years, I wonder if it's not time that you found a father figure for him, in something like "Big Brothers" or an uncle or another mentor.

A 13 year old with one of these devices is not normal, you need to consider whether he is being abused by an older man or woman, and watch carefully to find out. You should monitor his internet usage with program or keystroke monitors, you should watch what he does with his (or your) money and credit cards, and for strange charges, and monitor the phone bill.

If you think this is paranoid, please reconsider. The time is now past for you to be concerned with his privacy, and become more concerned with him.

-j.

-j.

Answer 3

Wow talk about ackward moments!

As a mother I'm not sure I would bring it up at all. That age is very fragile I have kids near this age and remember being that age in my deep dark memories. My guess is it was a gag gift or a dare that caused his um ownership of the device. If he doesn't have a serious girlfriend which you didn't mention my guess is the gag gift or dare was the cause not liekly anything overtly sexual you should be concerned with. Bringing up such an embarassing topic at his age might actually be worse in my opinion. Thirteen year old boys are just starting to figure things out as they change at this stage and any inaapropriate conflict which is unfortunately how he will view it no matter what could cause him to relate sexual feelings with negative emotions.

If you really want to talk to him they go the old traditional- birds and bees route and let him bring it up if it happens but don't mention sexual toys or aids unless he brings it up first. If he suspects you know he will likely feel you violated his trust and space by being in the room and closet even though as parents we should be. Trust and sexuality are extremely important to further development of a healthy adult. I started discussions about sexuality when my daughters were quite young whenever they asked questions and made them age appropriate. Now as preteen/teenagers they are alot more open with me and vocal about questions, boys etc. Yes mine are girls. However boys tend to be less mature in their emeotional states then girls at this age so tread carefully.

Besides as he gets older you can always bring it up later and ask, my guess is he will have gotten rid of it and forgotten or he will laugh and tell you about some crazy child dare. They sell the things in the mall stores as 'gag' gifts and while they state you must be 18 we all know store clerks paid 6 dollars an hour don't care when it is obviously not an illegal item such as drugs or alcohol so my guess is they don't check and don't care if a young teen gets dared into buying one.

Answer 4

By age 13 he's probably well into puberty and regularly masturbating to orgasm. That's part of being male. It doesn't require being exposed to outside information, just spontaneous erections combine with natural touching in the course of everyday actions.

What is he doing with the vibrator? Probably masturbating. It might be just by pressing it against his penis, but it is possible he is inserting it anally, there's lots of very sensitive tissue tissue there, including the prostate.

It's hard to tell what your worries are.

If you think there's something unhealthy about masturbation, be not afraid. There aren't any health risks except for a bit of raw skin from overuse and underlube.

If you think there's something immoral about masturbation, you can certainly find various religicos who agree with you, but making a fuss over it won't stop him from masturbating, it will just make him feel guilty about it.

Worrying about how he got the vibrator is valid. He may have a sexual relationship with someone. That's scary. He doesn't have the judgment to be safe. He's not mature enough to make smart sexual decisions, which is why it is criminal for adults to have sexual contact with minors. As a 13 year old I constantly fantasized about having sex, but that doesn't mean it would have been healthy for me, even if I had enjoyed it.

You didn't say whether you've discussed sex and reproduction at all as part of your home schooling. You need to do that if you haven't already started. He needs to know the biology, and he needs to know what happens between loving adults, and he needs to know that you'd like him to wait until he is ready to make adult decisions.

He needs to know the risks, and he needs an honest explanation. If you haven't done any probability and statistics with him, this would be a good context to do it. Unprotected sex is risky, using condoms and contraceptives reduces risk but still there are pregnancies and diseases. Some people die. But a heavy "condoms don't work" speech will just scare him off condoms, while his hormones push him towards sexual activity anyway.

Let him know that sex is a good thing among adults. Let him know that you'll be happy to answer any questions he has, but also let him know that you aren't go to pry personally.

If you've got blocks on his computer access, make sure he can get to responsible and informative sites, like scarleteen, and let him know it. It's up to you to guide him to good information about sex, because he'll be getting some bad information from others.

Avoid sharing too much personal information. If you had sex too soon, it's okay to say so and explain why it was too soon. It's okay to let him know that sex was an important part of your life with his father.

Two years is a long time to "acting differently" after his father's death. It may be worth checking with his doctor, or with a clergyman, or a therapist, to ask if his behaviors (and I don't mean having a vibrator) are something to be concerned about.

g'luck

Answer 5

what do you mean vibrator? Like a "magic wand" or do you mean a dildo? Considering he's homeschooled, where did he get it or even learn about vibrators? You say you're not too sure where he got it, so that means you have an idea where he got it?

I think it is time you send him to public school because it seems being homeschooled is affecting him in an adverse way. It sounds like he needs some friends his own age and he also needs to get out of the house for a few hours every day. Being homeschooled doesn't allow that. Ask him if he is happy. He might want to see a therapist if he is having difficulties coping with his father's death. How can you be so unaware how your son feels if you are homeschooling him? If you want to build a relationship with your son or have him trust you enough to open up to you, going through his closet secretly isn't the way to do it. Maybe your son is gay. You might have to be ready to accept that possibility.

Answer 6

First of all I hope you are not homeschooling him to try to "protect" him from these types of things, because you are only going to shelter him to the point where he freaks out from being so closed off that he goes and does something like ~ well, like get a vibrator!

Regardless, you should talk to him, without being judgemental or negative about it, and get some information. Find out if he uses it (whether alone or with someone else), where he got it, and why.

Clearly it is also time for the sex talk, even if he has had it. Lay down some facts, once again be informative, not angry, and certainly don't make it like sexuality is this "naughty" thing and he should be ashamed if himself.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Ignore the hateful judgemental comments! Kids are curious about things they don't understand. It is possible that a friend of his found it in his moms room and said "Hey look what I found in my moms underwear drawer. Isn't it cool?" He may or may not even understand what it is used for. Sit him down and explain to him that you were in his closet putting away clothes and that you found something that you need to ask him about. If you make it dirty, yell at him, or make him feel ashamed, then he is never going to tell you where he got it or why he has it. Yes, it is odd for a boy to have a vibrator, but I doubt he is sticking it in himself. This doesn't make him gay or mean he will turn out gay. That is stupid for someone to say to you.

Answer 8

Just talk with him about it. It could be part of a joke with a friend, or he may actually use it to masturbate with. Regardless do not make him feel ashamed for having it, just make sure he is not out having unprotected sex, since he has an idea about what sex is.

Answer 9

I would respect his privacy.

He is exploring his sexualty.

Is there something about your son having a vibrator make you uncomfortable?

I think if you brought up the subject he would most likely shut down too embarrased to speak with you (unless you have an awesome open relationship)

If he comes to you with questions THATS the time to speak with him. Otherwise if he seems healthy and happy leave it be.

good luck!

Answer 10

You could try putting it somewhere where you both travel in the house and see whether he takes it and hides it again or says something. This would break the ice on a conversation or give him the chance to indicate he is not ready to discuss it.

Answer 11

I think that masturbation is a normal, healthy activity. Do not make him feel ashamed about it. I think now would be a good time to discuss the birds and the bees.