I've been seeing a wonderful man for about 2 months now, and until last night never talked about my sexual past. He used to be something of a 'ladies man' and doesnt feel it's his place to judge anyone. Well last night he learned that he's only my second, and that in the past i move VERY slowly with men because for a long time sexual contact made me physically ill because I was raped as a preteen.
He knew that i'd been raped and that when I was younger I was shy around sex.. he didn't know that I was still pretty shy about it, basically with everyone but him (physically we moved pretty fast).
He didn't say much about it, got quiet. Basically said that he expected a few more guys on my list and asked why I wasn't so slow moving with him.
What do you think he's thinking?
NOTE: We're both early 20's and his number is about the same as his age - and he does think lowly of himself because it's high
2006-08-14 07:21:36 · 12 answers · asked by attila 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Why would he be thinking that I lied? I told him a ways back that i'm not normally so 'active' and that i used to be very shy about sex and about the rape.. I just never told him how many people i'd been with because simply enough he didn't seem to care, because as he put it he has no room to judge anyone for how many people they've shared a bed with
2006-08-14 07:32:03 · update #1
He was trying to integrate what you had said to him. He may have been wondering if you were really telling the truth. To him, the fact that the two of you slept together really quickly, would make him assume that you have done this with other men you've dated as well. Also, you've basically told him that you have made an exception for him. That's flattering for him, but also confusing, as well. Admitting this to him has probably made him feel that he is 'special' to you, or more accurately, that you think he is 'special'. Whether this is a positive or a negative to him really depends on how he feels about you. He may feel that he is somehow 'obligated' or he may be breathing a sigh of relief. That's why he was quiet.
Best of luck to both of you.
2006-08-14 09:55:09 · answer #1 · answered by Sun is Shining ❂ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you already know that for most men the more sexual conquests he has the more masculine he's judged to be among other men. But if a woman does the same, she's a whore. So when men think there's only been a few before them or even none, the happier they are about it. The fact that there were few men for you is good, the fact that you were raped isn't as far as a man goes because they wonder if there will be problems with you sexually later on.
When he asked you why you weren't so slow moving with him, it could be that he thinks he's a real stud puppy that you couldn't keep your hands off from, he thinks you are lying about there not being very many men before him, or he thinks you are trying to trap him.
Just a word of advice... Most men will always ask you in one form or another how many men you've had before them. The best thing to do is lie. They do not want to think you are comparing them to other lovers you've had and they are coming up, ah, short in that department. If they think you are a easy, they probably won't develop a long term relationship with you. It's truly none of their business anyway.
Also, think twice about sharing the fact that you were raped. It opens up all kinds of questions about you that you don't want him mulling around in his head. Talk to a counselor if you must, but sometimes it's best not to share with him.
2006-08-14 14:41:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't guess what he is thinking. Ask him.
Just be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you.
Most people who have not been abused will act awkwardly around an abused person, not because of anything negative, just because they are weary of causing more hurt.
If you are not letting your past hamstring your present and feel you are at the stage of enjoying a full adult relationship then honesty is the way to go. Tell him you do not need to be treated with kid gloves, and neither are you looking for husband material. You just want to explore a consenting adult relationship, where sex is merely a facet of the whole.
Be calm, collected, and as I have already said, honest. If he does not respond in the same way then he is the one with the problem. However, in relationships when asking or asked questions, honesty is usually the best response.
If what happened to you is affecting your day to day life, please speak to someone. It makes life easier once you share, especially with those individuals and organisations best equipped for it. And once light is shone into those dark areas, the monsters just curl up and become smaller and infinitely more manageable.
Again (yep, you know what's ahead), be honest.
Good luck.
2006-08-14 14:42:16 · answer #3 · answered by Alzebub 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
best not to worry about it, as long as you are both satisfied... maybe the reaction is just a reflection of his feelings about his high number, or feeling strange about being with someone who is so inexperienced sexually, like wondering why you're open with him in that way and haven't been with others, or whether it's ok, like if it's something more important to you than to him or something, I don't know...
congratulations on being able to have a healthy sexual relationship after that... my wife wasn't raped but was sexually repressed, taught by her parents it was bad to have sexual thoughts, that sort of thing, and we still have a lot of problems because of it
2006-08-14 14:31:48 · answer #4 · answered by Aleksandr 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is just feeling awkward as previously mentioned he don't wanna hurt you. Don't read into his reactions so much sounds as though he cares enough for you and worth keeping. Maybe reassure him and tell him you love him and that you can get close to him because he makes you feel secure something you have not felt for any man before. Don't worry so much .
2006-08-14 14:51:01 · answer #5 · answered by grasshoppa 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he's probably feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know what to say. he might be afraid that he'll hurt you without meaning to or that you'll find him difficult. he'll wonder why he's different becuase of his own low self-esteem. being a ldaies man isn't a sign of security. leave him to process this stuff..it doesn't mean he's rejecting you but i'm sure it took you a while to handle it and it will him. it will all work out ok. well donr you for allowing someone close again. trust yourself..you'll be ok no matter what.
2006-08-15 11:24:23 · answer #6 · answered by minerva 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He does not know what to say or think... he does not want to hurt you but shae intamacy, but hes scared he will upset you so like a coputers going not compute not compute
2006-08-14 14:27:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what you have wrote he may think that you have been lieing all this time and he thinks he is catching on to your little game.
2006-08-14 14:29:09 · answer #8 · answered by kahmfs74 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is surprised you are still shy?
2006-08-14 14:27:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he is afraid you will not be able to satisfy him sexually.Men always want experienced women
2006-08-18 13:03:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋