Love triangle problem. any help?

Question

So, I've lived in the same area for about 10 years and I became instant best friends with the boy next-door. He's been my best friend for such a long time and I can tell him anything and we don't have, like, hardly any secrets. He goes to the same university as me and we even have some of the same classes together. Then he told me two days ago that he thinks he's in love with me and he wants me to be his girlfriend and all that. When we were young teens, I had the biggest crush on him but I've moved on.
The really big problem is that I've been going out with his favorite older brother for a while and we haven't told him b/c we thought he might get mad.
We're both 21. My friend is really shy and he said he'd liked me for forever, but never had the nerve to tell me. He's wonderful and I know that if I tell him about me and his brother, he'll shut himself up for weeks. (It's happened before.)
I don't want to have to choose, but there's no way I won't have to!
Please help me!
~Mel

Answer 1

no problem: you've just got to realize you're dealing with separate and distinct things:

1) ultimately, your "boy next-door" is ... in your estimation ... exactly that: a boy. you don't see him as a potential mate. it may be easier for him to understand if you explain that he is like a brother to you.

2) that you're dating his "favorite older brother" is a separate matter, but it can be handled similarly: you announce the relationship with the same casualness that you'd announce the sunrise.

otherwise stated: you not only acknowledge that it is perfectly natural and obvious by your words, but also by how you act when you say those words.

sure, the kid has a crush -- and it may be not at all superficial. if he's really pondered his feelings for you for many years, he's probably wrestled all sorts of demons along the way.

imho, he's personified nobility in you, so that in a very real sense, he adores (or, "idolizes") you. hopefully, you understand that it takes extraordinary courage to reveal one's feelings to the object of his worship.

in this case, i'm using "worship" in its classical meaning: i strongly doubt this boy wants to pray to you, thinks you are any sort of deity, or desires to build a church in your name. rather, it seems he has invested his "heart" in you.

in essence, his calibration is just way off -- and setting him straight is the most friendly thing that you and/or anyone else can do.

his brother should take the time to explain to him the basics of character, and how being a man involves being decisive and not being shy.

that's a bit of an oversimplification, but it sounds like this kid is going to need someone in his family to keep an eye on him and help him deal with what he will initially perceive as a rejection as hurtful as a rejection by God (or whatever deity he recognizes).

Answer 2

It sounds like you really care for you friend and if the two of you have been knowing each other so long and you feel that you are very close, he must be a good person.
He must also be someone who is understanding. If I were you I would tell him that you are seeing his older brother, you said that you hardly keep any secrets from each other so this should not be any different. Sence he has feelings for you, I am sure that he will be hurt for awhile but think about it this way, he would be more hurt if he had to find out on his own or from someone else. It is not your fault that he was to shy to approach you before and tell you how he felt. Just sit down and have a real talk with him, start it off by letting him know how you value the friendship ect. you can even tell him how you used to have a crush on him ect. then just ease into what you have to say. If he is really a true friend he will still be your friend after the news. Good Luck

Answer 3

You have to decide which means more to you, your friendship or your relationship with the brother.
If the brother is something comfortable but not likely to be long term then choose the friendship and let him know that you value his friendship but do not want to romantically get involved with him.
If the brother is the best thing that has happened then you'll have to let the friendship go. Although you care for his feelings and will miss his friendship, you must build that kind of closeness with his brother. Your friend will get over it through time and this might not be the only lost love he'll experience.

Answer 4

you owe it to him to tell him. what if you get caught with his brother? i think that would hurt him more than you telling him. If he's really your best friend, tell him and spare him even greater pain by telling him than letting him find out.