How can I help my daughter after loss of a best friend?

Question

My 12 yr old daughter just lost a best friend to an automobile accident this past weekend. She is taking it bad. Shes very hateful towards me. I dont know what to do. Ive tried to ease her pain by telling her that her friend is in heaven now and is better off than we are, but i know that doesnt make it hurt any less. My daughter and her other friends are gonna have some very difficult days ahead of them within the next few weeks. I'm gonna keep her out of school for a day or two atleast until after the funeral. I'm scared i'm just gonna make things worse for her and she'll become distant. What should I do to help her through this? This is hard for all of us because this little girl was such a blessing to everyone who knew her.

Answer 1

Chances are your daughter is experiencing a number of emotions right now, and is not sure how to deal with any of them.

She is probably angry and scared, and is experiencing feelings of denial. There is nothing much you can do right now except to give her some space. in the context of daily living children very rarely think about death. To them death is soemthing that happens to someone else...not to someone they love and care about.

I've always believed that God often sends angels and messengers to us as children.
Many times these very special children seem to have a certain light and grace to them, that sets them apart from other children. Often they are meant to be here only for a short time to touch or change our lives with the gift of their presence.
Having had the privilege of knowing them, we are never the same once they are gone.

The fact that you stated that your daughter's friend "was such a blessing to everyone who knew her," is a clear indication that her friend was most likely one of these very special children.

When some time passes and your daughter is starting to feel a little better, you might suggest to her the idea of having a small get-together with her other friends in remembrance of their friend.

Answer 2

I have gone though what you are going through now with my daughter. Her best friend passed away in March and she took it really hard. The best that I could do was to just let her know that I was there for her if she needed me. It really is hard because you know that she is hurting. Our children, believe it or not, are actually quite strong. She just has to get over the anger first. Sometimes they tend to take it out on others closest to them, not because they hate them, but it's because it's a normal fear of loosing someone close. It seems that if they feel if they act like they don't care about you, then they won't loose you. Give her some time to heal, and give her some space. Go with her to the funeral if she chooses to go and just stand by her side. When you least expect it she will come around. Also, offer to go to the grave if she needs after wards and leave all options open to her so that she knows she can come to you to help her heal. Like I said before, it takes time. I just had to sit back down with my daughter the night before school started back because she was crying about not having her best friend there with her anymore. It's really hard seeing our own kids suffer, being a parent just isn't easy sometimes. I really hope this gives you some peace about what to do. Just remember, it's okay to cry with her. It helps us heal also. =)

Answer 3

This is a very tough time for all concerned. My son went through a similar situation, though he was in high school at the time, and I told him...I know you're in a lot of pain, and you're angry...and sad, and hurt, and are feeling emotions you didn't even know you had. I've lost people too, and I know how badly it hurts. If I had any magic words to take away your pain, believe me...I would use them now.

You're asking yourself a lot of questions right now, but honey...sometimes things happen, and there are no answers or explanations. It's very frustrating when you can't find any justification. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry...but understand that these feelings are normal, and you have to allow yourself to feel them. As painful as it is, you have to grieve. It will get better. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it will...and you will have to feel this way, until you don't feel this way any more.

There's nothing anyone can do to make it better right this minute, but know that even though I'm your mom and you may THINK I can't possibly understand, I do...so if you're angry and you need to vent, or if you're sad and you need to cry, or if you're just thinking about her and want to talk about things you did together, I will be here, not as your mom...but as someone who loves you very much and who will be happy to listen.

Answer 4

If it just happened then let her be alone for a bit. Telling her that stuff wont help right now because she is probably in denial that it has happened and your bringing it up. If she wants to go to school then let her, but if not then give her a day or so. If after a few weeks she still isnt getting any better then I would get her some perfessional help. At her age, loosing a best friend is like the worst thing to possibly heppen to her and she may need to talk to someone about it who isnt you. I know your her mother and love her, but sometimes its easier to talk to someone who doesnt know you and wont pass judgement and say the things you want to hear just to make it better.

Answer 5

It's a terrible situation. She is no doubt very angry over the loss of her best friend and she's taking it out on you.

Is she close with her friend's family. If so, I think she should volunteer to help them. She can cook, clean, answer the phone, help with errands, hold hands, cry, or just do whatever needs doing. She might feel better sharing her grief with them. (I'm not suggest that you've done anything wrong. She might feel more connected to her friend if she can help the friends family.) Perhaps she could even ride in the limo with the family to the funeral.

Also, you may want to consider grief counseling for her after the funeral. It can't hurt.

Answer 6

She may not want to talk right now but just hold her and let her now you are there for her anytime, That is very hard to loss a best friend but all we can do is pray and keep out head up. My blessing go out to u, ur family and the bestfriend's family

Answer 7

Let your daughter know that there is a reason for everything! Gods plan does not always match ours.Offer her support and sympathy but know that there are causes that need to be helped and she is that person...to help others.Make HER feel like she is going to be the person that does something about this! And she will.....

Answer 8

1) talk to your daughter and comfort her
2) help her remember all the happy times she shared with her friend
3)If possible arrange for your daughters other friends to call to your house so they can support each other
4)be patient with your daughter
5)in a few weeks time if she is not over the loss seek a councillor for her.
at any age it is difficult to lose a close friend and at your daughters age it is harder to expect that your friend has being taken from you

Answer 9

I think the heaven talk may have annoyed her slightly, young adults (12 is quite old) like her find that kind of talk patronizing. Just letting her talk it over is best, just be there for when she needs you. My heart goes out to all those affected by that little girls death.

Answer 10

I'm very sorry to hear that. I would suggest seeing a doctor. If she really doesn't want to do that, maybe she and a small group of friends could get together and speak with the school guidance councilor.