How do I leave my lover - for good?

Question

We've been together eight years - on and off. He's probably my best friend. But we argue a lot, and I know, deep down, we're not 'meant for each other', in the long term. Problem is, he thinks I'm the love of his life - he even talks about getting married and having kids etc. I don't know what to say. I've broken up with him about four times but somehow keep taking him back after a certain interval. Reckon I've got one more chance to end it and find someone else - how do I do it right this time?

Answer 1

Tell him that in your heart of hearts you know that you are not right for each other, and that therefore you are not prepared to waste any more of his time, or yours for that matter. Explain that you have finished with him before and taken him back, but that this time you really feel you have given all you have got to give and that there is no point continuing. Do not give in, no matter what he says and promises. Do not attempt to stay friends with him, as he will (whatever you say) think that this means you still have a chance at some point in the future. Sever all contact, do not take his calls, or reply to his texts or e-mails. Whether you hook up with someone or not, be absolutely resolute that you will not have contact with him. You don't have to be unkind about it, just explain that you have had your time, and that it is almost impossible to be friends after such a long and intense relationship, that you both need time and space alone to recover from the effects of this. And this is true. Even if you finish it, you still are losing someone who has been part of your life for so long. You will probably miss certain things about him, at these times you are vulnerable and therefore more likely to take him back. Just remember when you get like this, that although you miss whatever it is about him, you do not miss the things that cause you to split, that the two are a package deal, and therefore its not worth chasing the part of him that you miss, that in time you WILL miss these bits less and less. Should you feel any guilt about splitting with him, remember that whatever he held dear for the future, you knew it was not for you, so it would actually be more unkind to keep stringing him along when you know that there is no real future in it. After 8 years you have given him as much time as you needed to to ensure you were or weren't making a mistake, you decided being with him was wrong, so remind yourself that it would be wrong to contact him or give into him and take him back. You are just sending him mixed signals and that isn't fair to either of you.

If you do get with someone else recently, remember that no matter how positive you feel, deep down, on a subconscious level, your mind is processing and evaluating all the fallout from such a long and intense relationship, and that this will be making you more vulnerable that perhaps you might be in several months time. So make sure you have plenty of time to yourself, to enjoy being you again, rather than part of a couple, and let those thoughts come to the surface sometimes, without over analyzing things, learn the lessons you need to learn about yourself, what you need, what makes you happy, what you absolutely cannot live with. God bless

Answer 2

First you have to mean it. It sounds like your not too sure even this time. You're either going to have to accept the relationship the way it is, for better or worse and stay with him, or face the reality that this IS NOT the love of YOUR life and move on. It's never easy, especially when you've been together that long, but it can be done. I had to do it and I know how hard it was. When you know you've reached the point when you are so miserable you have to ask for help...it's time to go. How? Just go...don't look back. Sitting and talking, trying to explain only gives him time to work on your soft side. He'll say what you want to hear just to keep you around, and then go right back to being himself a day or two later. He probably only wants to hold on to you so no one else will have you. Can you say in secure and possessive?? Get out while you can sweetie...it's only going to get harder the longer you wait.

Answer 3

It's up to you not to take him back. You have to be strong and firm. I think honesty is the best policy so tell him what you have said here that you know that you are not meant for each other. I know it will be hard as you say he is your best friend, but it would be better to cut all ties for a while, then you won't be tempted to take him back. I don't agree with some of the answers here, that you should go out with someone else immediately. That would not be fair on the new boyfriend as you will just be on the rebound. It takes a while to get over a relationship and you need time on your own to do just that. You will know when you are ready to start dating again. Good luck, and don't forget - be firm!!

Answer 4

I think in situations like this, womens worst enemy is worrying about how not to be a b*itch. There is no easy way around this to avoid arguments, fights, hurt feelings. It just has to be done. You only have one life, and while I think that a couple should try to be committed to the relationship - if it is finished, it is finished.

You have to be strong, otherwise you will get sucked back in for the wrong reasons. Embrace your inner b*itch and be straight. The thing is this, at the moment and for a while its not been good. Being straight about it will let you leave. And because you have been truly honest with yourself, and continue to be (!) then you might find that it works out later on but on a different and mature level.
There is nothing worse than being underhand, or not being upfront in a relationshop. Yes it will be painful, but its the only thing to do.
The marriage and kids thing may be scaring you - its a big step. So by maturely ending it and being honest why, might let you re-evaluate what you really want out of life. He might really be the one for you, but you need to take time out to make sure. And so does he.

Answer 5

You'll have to tell him straight. The only way to go through with this is through biting the bullet and being absolutely honest with him.

And with yourself.

Is it the relationship you're trying to end, or are you just shying away from his unrealistic demands and ideas - marriage, kids and so on? Are you afraid that all he sees is this linear progression towards a white picket fence household, some fantasy image of 2.4 children and a dog domesticity, and that he'll overreact when you tell him that's not what you want?

Talk to him. Tell him what your expectations are for the relationship - then tell him that you can't share this cookie cutter domestic dreamworld he's got planned.

You might be surprised by what he says. It could be that he's so desperate to stay with you that he's willing to put himself into this suburbanite fantasy, the "happily ever after" thing, just to keep you happy. If you dig deep, you might find that he'd take on another kind of life with you, if you told him what you wanted.

Talk to him. Whatever else you do, talk to him. But if you find that leaving him remains the only option, it has to be permanent from you as much as from him. No second chances; no post - breakup - fancy - meeting - you - here - at - the - singles - club - one - night - stand - for - old - times' - sake sex, which turns into an excuse for him to put his feet back under your table.

You have to commit yourself to it being over as much as you'll be expecting him to.

Answer 6

I was together with my first bf for 7 years, and while at that time I felt we were best friends, I made several attempts to break up and leave. Deep inside I was not happy with our relationship especially with the way he would treat me sometimes, I also could not of seen myself happy with him years into the future. Thing is I always came back, because I was attached to him.

He also thought of me as the one he would eventually settled down with, I guess because he figured I'd always be there for him. Looking back three years after I finally found strenght to break up and leave him - I realised I should not have remained with him for so long - it kept me back from acheiving my own happiness and finding someone who could treat me better. Don't hold yourself back.

P.S. - After I broke up with him, I remained on speaking 'friendship' terms with him, months afterwards when I got a new guy and told my ex, he came to the university I was in threatening me to get back with him, I almost called the police. It was very scary and that day his true colours showed. I wonder what worse could have happened if I had stayed. Its not an easy deceision to leave a relationship where you have invested for so long, but please consider yourself and good luck

Answer 7

Honesty is the best!! Tell him that things are great for you as friends...but as a couple...not working! You're not happy and in turn..you really won't make him happy... You know it will be hard for him to maybe remain friends..but that you treasure the times you had..but it's time to move on...and the next time he calls or stops to see you...say hi and I've gotta go..don't give him false hope of staying together or even getting back together... It will be hard on him and you...but you'll both be happier in the long run.

Answer 8

Sounds like you start of getting rid of him and then something pulls you back to him. Stop this time explain to him what you just explained to everyone else. That you love him and he is best friend but you do not see yourself together in the long term. Do use the it's not you its me line that is the worse thing and don't pretend that you are going to be good frined s afterwards, that never happens.

Answer 9

MQ: Scarborough effortless/Canticle (Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme) or perhaps The Sounds of Silence. i appreciate many extra of their songs yet idea i'd record some thing a sprint diverse. I noted Paul Simon in stay universal performance a pair of years contained in the previous and he grew to grow to be into though wonderful. He did some previous Simon and Garfunkel tunes (Cecelia, Mrs. Robinson, Bridge Over afflicted Waters). As for the distinct 40 5 approaches, i'll ought to favor to imagine of up some rhymes for you!

Answer 10

Treat it like a bandage. You do not take a bandage off then go to the garbage and put it back on. You take it off and throw it away. I am not saying to be heartless about it, but say what you mean and mean what you say. You have to draw the line and stand by it. You cannot keep going back and forth if you know in your heart that it is not meant to be. That is not fair to either of you, you are leading him on. Knowing that he is making plans to start a future with you and you do not see one.