Am I selfish for wanting another baby?

Question

We've been married for 6yr and together for 8yrs. After 4 yrs of marriage we had problems and he left me right after baby #1 was born. We were seperated for 1 year and got back together and then we had baby # 2( both kids were planned down to the month they were born). Now baby #2 is almost 2 months old and I would really like to try for another baby once baby #2 is 1. My husband is angry and says that I am selfish...he only wants 2 kids and thats it. He says that they cost too much and he wants these 2 kids to have what we never did.....I agree but I really don't think 1 more will make that much of a difference. We have a boy and a girl and we have 2 cribs and all the baby equipment already.....whatever the baby is (he/she) will already have clothes and stuff....all we need to buy is diapers and formula.....I love children and would really like 1 more....i don't feel complete...I came from divorced parents, no siblings from the same parents........and my step mom was mean...

I know that I have alot of love to give....I really don't care if we adopt...I just really want another baby to give my love to...but my husband wants to buy them cars, pay for their college, ect... and he says we won't be able to do that if we have 3....but to me those things arn't important...i'm sure my kids won't hate me if i can't pay for their college and resent their lil' brother or sister or be angry cause they didn't get a car when they graduated from high school....i'm sure it would be nice to be able to do that for them but it will also be valueable for them to work for that car.....or try hard to do good in school get a scholorship and get loans to pay for part of their schooling and of course i will help them with whatever i can....i just, would really like one more beautiful baby.....should i just give up or just wait a couple of years and maybe sneak one in?

we talked about it yesterday and that is when he told me that i was selfish because i want to have another baby and we won't be able to put our kids in sports, ballet, piano lessons, ect......or my daughter won't be able to have a quinceniera in 15 yrs especially if we have another girl cause that means 2 quincenieras.....both of my kids were planned and agreed by both of us, and i would love to have his blessing for a 3rd one....but at the same time i don't think that he would leave me if we had an accident...i asked him about that cause or neighbors were talking and all of their kids were accidents, none were planned and my husband said if that happens with us then it happens.......so i don't think he would freak out and leave....i just think he would be surprised....but happy with his baby....i told him that if he is so adament about not having another baby then why doesn't he get his stuff snipped and he said no way.......well in the same breath i refuse to get my tubes tied....

Answer 1

When you said you didn't feel complete---I know how you feel...because that is how I felt once upon a time.
I was in a similar situation as you---and my husband was more done having kids. My second pregnancy was scary--but everything was perfectly fine. We were drained from it. I just think I got over it and my husband did not. Also, our first two are 17 months apart--and it's busy. We had everything too. Clothes, furniture--even two cribs. So the expense was nothing--except diaper and food. We had a girl, then a boy. I don't know why everyone always says--you have one of each now you can stop? I don't get that. Anyway, I had an opportunity to get my tubes tied after my second---I did not---because it was too final. I came from a larger family than my husband, 4 kids vs 2. We didn't suffer. We went on vacation every summer. I have great memories. Even Europe--every other summer because my mom is from Europe. My mom did not work, and my dad made a modest living. We struggled after my dad died suddenly---but he had a terrible life insurance policy and now we learn from that mistake. But, we did not suffer. I had to get a college loan...and that was ok, it's paid off now...I learned how to manage money and become responsible. I was not a spoiled kid. And looking back, my family is much more tighter than my husband's family. Yes, I want to give my kids everything....but I am thinking about how much more fun it is when they have each other in schools, to play with, to hang with. Birthday parties, holidays...etc. And I think when we are dead and gone---and they have each other---that is the best gift. We didn't have the world, we had what we needed...and each other. Sappy--I know.

One day--my husband approached me about tossing out baby things. I said "not yet, let's wait a little while longer". I was breastfeeding and started to wean baby number 2. I told him I was fertile and not taking the pill--ANY MORE. I suggested if HE did not want any more kids---to use condoms or get a Vasectomy. He did not....and 4 wks later I was pg.

TODAY---my family is larger and very happy---and meant to be. I would not change anything for the world. My older two--just love their baby brother. He's just been a great playmate. And my husband has been terrific---and baby number 3 actually softened him up even more. I did get my tubes tied...I know my limits...so we are enjoying all the milestones---crawling, walking...etc...as the pass us by forever. Kids are such a blessing. And I cannot imagine not having him, or my other two.

As far as selfish--no. I think selfish is such a wrong word to use. You don't want to take away from anyone---you want to add. How can you be selfish when all you want to do is GIVE another life a chance to belong to a wonderful family? Or deny your children a sibling? In fact, isn't he selfish for denying you this opportunity? Anyway, you BOTH have to compromise. When only one person is compromising---only one person is happy. Right? That means, one person is giving up, and the other person is getting their way. A compromise might be to say---"let's try for a 3rd--but if we aren't pg in 1 yr, we are done"---then decide who takes care of what--so that this is not a problem anymore. Like since he doesn't want any more kids---he should get a Vasectomy. And definitely, don't make any decisions now---you just had a baby. And he's a man---and probably overwhelmed in a man sort of way. My hubby still freaks out when I leave to run to the store! Where we women can multi-task in our sleep--we are what keeps our family together and moving along. Wait another 6 months or so before you talk about it, see how you both feel, how life with 2 kids is working....etc.

Anyway, my family is complete now. And I think deep down---if you are done you are done. If you aren't....you aren't....and you know it. And God works in mysterious ways. If it is meant to be--it will happen. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!

Answer 2

I think at the moment you are feeling this way due to your hormones. You don't have to decide this very moment, think about it a little. Your hormone level should even out in a few months and you may feel differently. Three kids is a lot different than two, it will change the whole dynamics of your family. Before I was able to potty train baby #2 I was sick of the whole diaper thing, never being able to leave the house without checking the diaper bag for all the things you might need just to go to the store or whatever. Every time you leave the house its like a major troop movement. And my husband was not a patient man, when he wanted to go, he wanted to just go, he hated the car seats and toys and bags. So its really a choice you and your husband should make together. Even though I would have liked another, I was later blessed with a grandson, who lives with us, and I found there's more than one way to get what you want.

Answer 3

I am one of 5 children, and while the money situation was never ideal around my home growing up, we were lways provided for. As long as you can do that for your children, I don't think anyhing else should matter. I had to buy my first car and I am paying for my own tuition. I may sometimes dream about waht it would be like to not have the bills that I have now, but I would never want to be a spoiled child who has no sense of accomplishment. Don't sneak a baby into the equation though. It needs to be something that you both agree on. Give him time and talk to him later. Fighting isn't good for you or the two kids you have now. But good luck and I think you must be a great parent. :)

Answer 4

I don't see anything wrong with wanting more children, and I don't think it makes you selfish at all. However, I would have advised discussing all this before you married him. And why did he leave after that first baby? That should have really tipped you off to something. I would advise you sit down with your husband and really try to discuss things. DON'T let him blow off your feelings or opinions, and really listen to his as well.

You should also let him know that just because you have children, doesn't mean that you'll have to spoil them rotten. Is he honestly worried about the cost of children because he wants to buy them all cars? Screw that! Teach them to work and save for what they want, and let them buy their own cars. It's a valuable lesson, and it will teach them responsibilities and the value of a dollar, rather than going through life expecting everything to be hnded to them on a silver platter. I totally understand the desire for parents to give their kids things they never have, but don't kill yourselves over it. :) I think they'll be much happier just recieving your love and care rather than just getting "stuff".

Answer 5

If you want another one go for it it seems like it's what your husband wants to. Having another kid is not selfish as long as you can support it. My Aunt has seven kids with her now, three she gave birth to and to are adopted, the other two are in foster care. But still she has seven kids running around the house and she manages just fine

Answer 6

No! Not at all. Trust me, I'm 23 and have 4 kids! My oldest is 17. My youngest, Olivia, was born just 2 days ago. When I told my husband, (it was an unexpected pregnancy) he couldn't believe it at first, but then he smiled. I love al l my kids. I would say, wait until your #2 is 1. Then try to convince your husband for another baby! I had my baby Olivia when my toddler Zoey was just 3!

Answer 7

I am going through the same thing. My son will be one this August (I also have a daughter who is 4 years old). I want to have two more kids. My husband said that we are fine with two. He wants for me to cut my tubes. I said no, so i decided to get the IUD. i asked him what would happen if I was to get pregnant. He said that he would not ask me to have an abortion. We would have the baby. So, with your situation, maybe he will change his mind in the future. My advice is to continue to raise your kids and if you end up pregnant one day, he would be happy to accept a new baby.

Answer 8

I don't even have one baby....my husband says I'm selfish for wanting one. I don't think its bad to want another, but human nature is to want what we don't have. To want more.

Please give all the attention you can to your current children... I say two children is a perfect family, easy to travel with, each parent can take one, and middle children always feel like outcasts, older children grow up too fast, youngest is usually spoiled.

with just two, they learn to balance conflicts.

Don't force anyone to change their minds....resentment can be bad if you are single with 3 children.

you don't realize that it's rare for children to receive scholarships to college, financial aid still requires a certain family contribution, and why take your children's future away just because you want another baby?!! You are being a bit selfish....you already have a family!

Answer 9

i think that u arent being selfish but u have to understand his needs also. If you didnt have absolutly almost everything the new child would need. maybe it would be a selfish thing to ask. Just talk to him about it. Tell him that you dont feel complete. Explain things more thoroughly to him. Then listen his side of the story. Try to come to an agreement that both of you will happily accept.

Answer 10

Yes you are.

You are only thinking of having a baby and of yourself and how it makes you feel. You aren't the one that is out there working his butt off trying to make enough money to raise and feed them.

Secondly, you do realize, don't you, that they do grow up to be something other than babies? Or is that the idea, as one grows older, you throw it away and have another baby?