How do I get my wife's 23 year-old daughter to move out, without spoiling any family relationship?

Question

We have been married for a couple of years, but recently her daugther "decided" to move back in (she used to live with her mom here before we got married) because our place is closer to the U where she studies than the place she used to live in. The girl is very polite and nice, but a little messy and noisy. We have told her about it, but it seems she forgets everything the next day so we have to tell her again. The biggest problem, that my wife doesn't seem to see, is how this has affected our intimacy. Also, my wife is allowing her to use the family car. I am not happy at all with any of this, and I don't want to create any situation that spoil our interpersonal relationships, since everything else is working nicely.
I just want her to move out! Help!

Answer 1

This is a tough one. Maybe you should sit down with your wife first and explain that while you do care for her daughter, you think that she needs to go out now and be independent before she gets out of college and then has the shock of moving into the workplace and into a place of her own. Try to convince your wife that what you want is in her daughter's best interest, not yours. Once you do that, your wife will be much more willing to go along with you.

I also think you're right about the family car. I don't know your financial situation, but perhaps you could offer her a deal: you buy her an inexpensive, yet somewhat reliable car, and she pays the registration and insurance. I think she does need to get out, especially if she is interfering with your lives like you say. The biggest thing to winning in this situation is somehow convincing your wife that this is in everyone's best interest, especially her daughter's. Once you can do that, you have your wife on your side, and then it's just a matter of the two of you talking to her.

Just remember: You don't want it to look like you're kicking her out, you're just helping her move on with her life and make the transition into adulthood.

Answer 2

The girl should not be using the family car unless she is on the insurance policy, which under most state laws, she should be anyway, because she is an adult living in your household. I learned the hard way about that one when my policy was canceled, even though the other person didn't even have a license. Not known to policy holders is that the insurance companies have been getting these laws passed to make it easier to cancel policies, or deny coverage on a claim.

As for her living there in the first place, this is becoming a growing problem for the parents of adult children in the U.S. In Europe it is more common as children most often don't leave home until age 27, especially males. I imagine that she is under 24, which means she is not even fully mature yet, but that dose not mean she is a child, though she may still act like on on occasion. As she gets closer to 24, her body is fighting to retain the feeling and desires of youth, while the hormones that drive those desires are now decreasing.

She should be paying rent. That does not mean that you need to be spending it, you can be putting it away for her to get later, just don't tell her that you're doing that. It could be returned when she has her first child.

You may need to be patient and wait for her to finish school to move. Suggest that she consider joining that Peace Corp after college. The points she earns is the same as being in the military and she will get significant life experience, besides seeing some of the world while she is still young. When she comes back, she will be fully adult and ready to face the world.

All three of you should sit down and set out the rules of life in the home. Print them out on a sheet and all sign it. Frame it and put it up in her room. Set out a set of penalties for not following the rules, including the lose of electrical power to her room for anything except the necessities.

There are no easy answers to what you are dealing with. That is why I recommend people take a survey on becoming a stepparent, which was designed by the a professor at the U of Missouri in Columbia. I have a copy and can send it to you. Your answers to the questions than it tells you how to evaluate your answers.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, the whole post sounds like your being a little selfish. You didn't mention anything about wanting the daughter out for the sake of her own ability to care for herself or anything- it's all about how this is affecting YOU. You married this woman, you knew she had a daughter, it's time you suck it up and take what you're dealt. I can totally sympathize with the daughter, being 20 years old myself and struggling very desperately to put myself through college- it's NOT easy (particularly on top of being pregnant and engaged.) And yeah, sometimes I can be messy and noisy, too. As much as I know it annoys my mom, I also know that she's got my best interests at heart, which is why she allows me to come over and do laundry and steal some food sometimes.

If you're worried about dwindling intimacy (which will happen over the course of marriage whether the daughter is there or not) take your wife away for a weekend, just the two of you. Or, make plans to play while your daughter is away at work or school. (She can't really be home ALL that much- work, school, and I'm sure she has friends.) As for the family car- well, she's part of the family.

All in all, I'd say you're just going to have to be a man- suck it up and deal with it until the daughter can stand on her own two feet. Or, have a real heart-to-heart with your wife about the situation, maybe you can persuade her to start a program to wean the daughter away. Don't expect your wife to go so willingly though- this is her DAUGHTER, and blood usually trumps anything else.

Answer 4

I hope JohnCharles was joking. I can't believe u expect a 23 year-old that's STUDYING at a UNIVERSITY to be able to afford a place of her own. Maybe she doesn't have time for a job. I know I don't since I'm studying to be a nurse and studying consumes my entire day. You are being unrealistic. Also, what's the problem with using the FAMILY car. It's called the FAMILY car right? For the FAMILY. If you have a problem with it, buy her a new car. It's very unrealistic to expect her to afford her own. University tuition is about $20,000 to $40,000 A YEAR! U need to wake up and help ur wife's daughter accomplish her goals so she could have a better paying job in the future. You're being a little too picky. If u need to have sex with ur wife every now and then, wait till the daughter is at school. If u want her to move out, pay for it. Maybe she should live on campus instead.

Answer 5

Start charging her the rent, use/access to the family car. Ask if she could get a bus pass. Charge her for the food! Ask her plain and simple to move out, she's past the 18 age limit. Tell her about the army/navy/marines. They help pay for college tuition.

Look her straight in the eye and tell her shes no longer a kid. She is (state her age here). Time for her to be a well-behaved (insert religion here), contributing adult to this world.

Take all alcohol out of the fridge! Allow no parties, and only 3 minute phone conversations on your phone. Did you ever see the Brady Bunch special, where dad puts in a pay phone?

Best plan is the car is used once a week for groceries only, all of you go at the same time, and a side trip to dentist or doctor only!

Tell her its not cute being forgetful, do not have a smile on your face. Show this advice to your significant other, see if she agrees.

Above post rules, any rule violated shes out! Just like Big Brother?

Answer 6

well, i am almost 23 so i can at least give you a point of view from the daughter. if she is an understanding person maybe the best thing to do is to get her and your wife together and talk to them about it at the same time. that way everyone will know how everyone feels. tell your wife the way you feel about your intimacy and that you prefer her not to use the family car, or if your wife wants her to use the car, meet her in the middle and suggest that she only use the car when in serious need, maybe as in finding her own place. and i know that i have a problem putting things away when i am finished so what my family did was put up small signs like (wash your dish when you are done) over the kitchen sink. they didn't tell me directly but they place hints around and it made me feel awkward because i felt like everyone else was cleaning my mess. so maybe if you hint around and have a family discussion it will help.

Answer 7

you need dear abby -Not Yahoo Q & A.

I would pull together the round table and talk about it. She is 23 and is very capable of understanding what is being said. Use diplomacy when speaking. and treat her with respect. But by all means she has got to fend for herself. I am sure she has friends she can room with, she is going to college she can get funding for housing being a student if that is the issue. She can also work part time. somewhere. Buy giveing into her and allowing the use of the family car and other material things , you are not teaching her any responsibility. This is where you are going to be taken advantage of if it continues. Speak up- but remember to do it with diplomacy and tact. that way you don't affend her or the other family members. Or even get them all involved by helping to find her a cozy place of her own. Have everyone contribute a little something towards the cause and discuss the options.
Hope it helps or gives you another way to view things.

Answer 8

If you don't want to ruin your relationship with your wife than don't push her to choose between daughter and you. I suggest charging rent. Even if it is just $25 a week it will get her to realize some responsibility. Maybe charge her $5 everytime she uses the car gas is expensive, put the money she gives you in an account don't tell her about it until it gets to $500-$1000 or until she moves out . Then when she moves out you can gift her with the money or if she hasn''t moved out you can offer to help her get her own place. By not telling her about saving the money she will feel the hit when she is paying you and hopefully want to get a place of her own. Remember getting out on your own is hard, scary, and very expensive. Although it is hard to have an adult child in the house your wife will appreciate the fact that you want to help her daughter. Remember your wife probably feels bad because this is her daughter and it is now your problem. That is very hard on her too. by coming to her witha suggestion like this you are showing her that you love her for better or worse no matter what and are willing to do anything to support her and her family. That is ultimatly what marriage is all about.

Answer 9

Don't push this issue!!! Having been through this before anything you say will only alienate you more from your wife. Instead turn the tables and try the opposite of how you feel. By making more attempts to accept your wifes daughter you will make your wife happier that she isnt having to referee skirmishes between you and the daughter.....The WORSE thing you can do is make your wife choose sides cuz you'll lose every time. If you can't accept her being back find your own safe haven to retreat to so that you don't have to engage in conflict and let your wife know how you feel but that you are behind HER in whatever decision she makes. Give it some time your wife will do what's right. If she is the one constantly having to deal with the childs demands she will get tired of it and make the daughter go on about her way. Good Luck

Answer 10

You and your wife must discuss this together before any decisions are made. The communication between you is very important. Tell your wife you believe it is in the best interests of your love life as a couple and the independence of the daughter that she should have her own apartment. You and your wife should try to set a date by which the daughter has to move out and you can offer to contribute a certain amount of money toward a security deposit...not all of it, just a portion of it. If you know of any rental agencies in your area you might offer to go with the daughter to find places that would be safe for her and convenient to her school.