Wild Child!?

Question

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old. I am having the worst time trying to get her to listen to me. She doesn't do what she is asked, and she doesn't eat her dinner, no matter how hard I try to get her to eat, all she wants is junk food, sometimes she goes for a long time without eating anything, because I refuse to give her just junk food, I figure, if she is that hungrey she will eat regular food. Sometime's it works sometimes it doesn't.
She is driving me absolutley crazy...
She doesn't go to bed until about on average 11pm, and she just now started to sleep in her own bed. I know she has always been very spoiled as a baby, and still is to this day, but I just have a problem with discipline. I put her in timeout constantley throughout the day, I do not believe in spanking, so if that is one of your suggestions don't bother answering.. , I am a single, young mother, and I want to know what other mothers do to discipline their child. OR reward their child. Thanks so much!

Thanks everyone who gave very mature, and insightfull advice, I will definentley give alot of these a try! As for the people that answered rudely, I am just a young mom, that needs direction, there is no need to criticize someone who is asking for advice. I did not say that I don't blame myself for her "acting out" but I just need more opinuns on what worked for other moms with their children.
But thanks again, I agree with all of you!! We all only strive to be the best parents we can be to our children, and without the love, support and advice from other parents where would we all be! =)

Answer 1

So your 3 basic problems are -
* not eating
* not listening
* going to bed late

Not eating.....
Your job as her mom is to provide her with healthy options of different foods to eat. Her job is to decide what and how much to eat. I'd suggest that you keep providing her with healhty options and if possible remove junk food from the house for now, or hide it REALLY well and only have it yourself when she is asleep. She'll learn not to hold out if it's not even there. Try to provide one option at each meal that you know she likes. Make sure you are offering her child-size portions instead of ones that are too big and look over-whelming to her. Praise her if she trys something new.

Not listening.....
Get down on her level, touch her gently to get her attention and then look her in the eye when you talk to her. Say, "I need your eyes" or "I need your ears" or "eyes on me please" when you need her to listen.

If you give her an instruction and she isn't complying, repeat it once and count to three. If she doesn't comply by three, then you get up and walk her through whatever it was and help her do it.

Ditch the time outs. They just DO NOT work for some kids.....especially if the child is an extrovert. Extroverts do much better with someone staying with them and talking to them and working through what they should and should not be doing. It's a hands on parenting approach that I call "get off your butt parenting" which can be very tiring, but it works. It's much gentler than spanking and doesn't involve isolation or humiliation like I think traditional time outs do.

Sleep.....
Does she still take a daytime nap? My 3.5 year old is working on dropping her daytime nap. On the days she does take one, she is often up very late, like 10 or 11:00. If she doesn't nap, she'll usually be asleep between 7:30 and 9:00. Is she still naps, consider dropping the nap.

Do you have a bedtime routine? Bath, jammies, stories, lights out? Something like that which can help to signal time to quiet down and get ready for sleep? Would she go for "quiet time in her room" where she may be awake and playing quietly or looking at books but must be in her bed?

Good books that might help you:

The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears
Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Kurcinka
Kid Cooperation by Pantley
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish

ADDING.....
Just adding one other thought. Maybe set an alarm for bedtime and let that be the signal that it is time for bed. Sometimes kids respond better to that than to a parent telling them it is time for something. "OH.....the CLOCK says it's time for you to go to bed now!"

Answer 2

At that age, it is more about education as opposed to discipline. It is important to not only discourage the bad behavior, but to suggest and implement a good behavior. Sometimes children know what they are doing is wrong, but haven't been given an alternative. I'm not a huge fan of time outs. How long are you putting her in them? For the average three year old, after about 2
minutes they will have forgotten why they were put there in the first place. So anything above that is going to be ineffective. Also, don't overuse time outs. They should be for specific behaviors, and they should be consistent. 15 time outs in a day isn't going to do a bit of good.

I would say talk to her. People sometimes underestimate how much children really do understand. They may not have the words for it, but they have the comprehension. Take her away from whatever situation is causing the problem (meaning move into a different room, staying in the same place will only aggravate it) and ask her to sit and take a few deep breaths. Once you can see she's ready to sit calmly, explain to her what is going on. Tell her this behavior is not OK, and most importantly, give her an alternative behavior.

Another idea is a star chart. Basically, get a piece of poster board, and make a chart with all the good behaviors you'd like her to display (ie "Eating Healthy Food" "Going to Bed at 8" etc etc). Maybe even draw a picture of a plate of healthy food and bed, so it is more visual. Let her help you decorate it, and put it in an obvious place in the house. Buy some cute stickers you know she'll like, and every time she displays the good behavior, add a sticker, and make a HUGE deal about it. I mean, really huge deal. If she is getting all this positive reinforcement for the good behaviors, chances are she'll keep it up.

Good for you for not spanking. Again, totally ineffective.

Have patience, and stick to you guns. It is naturally a tough age.

Answer 3

I am sooooo glad you are showing concern now! How awful would it be when she started school not knowing limits. Let's start with the eating. First, don't buy any junk food for your home. None for you, none for her. You can find nutritious treats that are healthy. The food issue seems more like a power struggle, just fix a meal for the two of you with hers in small portions. If she doesn't eat, don't make a fuss (and don't pass out junk). Next, is there a parent program that you can attend (like a mommy-and-me or a co-op preschool where parents volunteer in class?) This may get you out a bit, or even go to the library for story time. As for discipline issues, now is the time to be firm. I suggest checking out Nanny 911 (the show is on TV, and they also have a great easy to follow book on common problems). Also, a no nonsense doctor has great suggestions on staying firm and consistent. click on the links below and you will be on your way to being that great parent. The Nanny 911 book can be found at library or other internet stores for cheaper, but this should give you the name of the book)

best wishes !!

Answer 4

I raised two boys (older now) -- I have spanked in the past but I don't think it is always necessary and I very rarely ever did that. It had to be something bad bad (like once my son tried squirting toothpaste into the electrical outlet and I walked in just in the nick of time -- he was being sneaky about it too). I did swat his behind for that. Part of that was my own fear that he could have been killed too. Anyway, time outs are a good way to discipline (if you can get them to stay there without MORE frustration). The whole thing you need to do is make this THEIR problem with a little stress on YOU as possible. Sometimes they are looking for a "reaction" from you and mostly they are "testing" to see how far they can push it. The best thing that worked for my kids was taking things away from them that they liked. Whether it was TV, special toys, etc. Sending them to their room is like saying "let's go to a carnival" -- unless you take the fun things out of the room, it's not bothering them that much. They need to realize this is their punishment for doing something wrong. If you are getting punished through it too, then they are satisfied. Try your hardest to keep your cool (fake it if you have to that it isn't bothering you a bit to take a special toy away from them). Then ignore the begging. They have to know that for every action there is a reaction. If it is a good action - it will get a good reaction and vice versa. To make you feel a little better too- the words "terrible twos" -- they start before 2 years old and go to about 4 years old so you aren't alone. I doubt you "spoiled" the child -- as far as I'm concerned a child can never feel loved too much. That is not possible. That is what they need. You are probably doing the right things in general --- it's just a frustrating age. Whatever you do, stick to your guns (don't use guns LOL) and be consistent. Always be consistent or they won't ever know what their limits really are. Consistency is difficult sometimes too.

Answer 5

Get down on her level and look her in the eye when you are speaking to her. Use a firm, reprimanding voice. Tell her that her behavior is not acceptable or appropriate and why. If you are consistent, she will give up eventually. If she doesn't stay in time out, keep putting her back in and restarting the time. Having a timer for this works really well. She will realize that you are the boss, it may take a few days though.
Wake her up early and don't let her take a nap so that she is tired earlier, continue to wake her up at the earlier time and put her to bed at the earlier time, just a few days of this should take care of the late bedtime. Offer to let her help in meal and snack preparation, get her input on meals, only offer her 2 or 3 healthy choices to decide from. Don't buy the junk food, then when she asks for it, you can tell her honestly, we don't have it and you can show her.
Try giving her fresh fruits if she has a sweet tooth, I know my 3 year old does, and she LOVES fruit of any kind. If she likes to nosh on salty stuff, try veggies with dip, or make your own trail mix.

Answer 6

I have been having a problem with my son, almost 4. He's getting better now. He is spoiled materially, but not with getting away with a lot of crap. You have to stop that young. Anyways, what I started doing, was spanking. I was doing it so often, it wasn't working, so I stopped. I still feel it's okay if something IS REALLLLLY BAD, but it'll take a lot. Instead of spanking, we do timeouts, which have always worked. And every time he goes to time out, we take one of his favorite toys away and put it in the garage. (Don't let her pick) Then I have a chart on the kitchen door, called Good Deeds. Every good deed he does, gets written up on the chart, and for every 5 he does, he gets a toy back. That he can pick. It's worked fabulously!! I'm pretty proud of him. He always says, "Mommy do I get a good deed?" When I write one down, he says, "Only 3 left til I get so and so back." It's sweet. It gives him a sense of accomplishement without feeling like a bad boy all the time too.

Good luck to you. All you can do is your best. But don't let your daughter walk all over you either. I, too, am a young mom. Good luck!

Answer 7

Throw out ALL junk food. If there's nothing but good food in the house that's what she'll eat. And don't give in!! Don't let grandparents or friends give her junk food either. My son was wild and it was because of sugar and food additives like food coloring etc. I was going out of my mind but when I learned what the problem was I knew it was only going to get worse. Tell her that her new bed time is 7:30 PM and make sure you stick to it even if it's inconvenient for you. Give her a hot bath before bed (it's calming) and read her a bedtime story, tuck her in and kiss her good night and closed the door behind you. After a while, she'll get used to it, even look forward to it and you will have some time for yourself, which makes a BIG difference in your life. Having a couple of hours to clean up or relax and watch TV or have tea with the neighbors and adult conversation will give you time to recuperate for the next day. It's hard but it's worth it!! My son and I both survived and there was a time when that was in serious doubt.

Answer 8

Im a single mom too. My little girl is 4 and gets time out, tv taken away, or toys taken away. As long as you little one eats something in the day shell be fine. When my little girl was 3 shed go for days eating nothing at all the would have a couple of catch up days. .. Just no junk food! Try giving her jobs around the house to do like "wahing windows" with water bottle and rag, or dusting( it will keep her occupied for a while). Try getting her in bed earlier.... tired babies are CRANKY!!! Good luck!

Answer 9

I would say you might need to try some different things with her. What you are doing now is not working. If she does get junk food, then its still in the house, and your only other recourse is to remove it all from the house. High amounts of sugar (not just the white kind) could be causing her to overreact to things. I.E. Hyperstimulation. Juice can even cause the problem. She may hate it, but your on the right path when refusing to make her eat better alternatives.
Bedtime is important. Young children need so much more sleep than we think. Doctors aren't kidding when they say a minimum of 8 hours. Growing children actually need more. Try going to the park or getting her to expend energy in a more active way, by getting some kind of exercise.
The reason I say this is because I have two step-sons who were diagnosed with ADHD. One does not have to take medication, but this diagnosis came after we had to deal with their eating habits that their mother had kept them on. Eating large amounts of candies, sodas, basicaly anything they wanted. My oldest was 140 lbs when we took custody of him and his brother, and in danger of having a heart attack. We had them both under strict diets and exercise programs as per doctors orders in order to get things under control. But diet is so incredibly important for children, it really can affect their behavior. Since keeping my son off the sugar substances, and keeping him active, he sleeps better, he isn't so hyper either. The attitude problem is something else, but can be related to the hyperactivity. You might just try giving her water and/or milk to drink. I know it sounds so very strict in light of wanting to provide your child with options, but you have to keep in mind what you are dealing with. Also, a warm bath about half an hour before bedtime, can help relax her, and make that last hour or half hour a relaxing time. Quiet time. No matter how much she wants to run, scream, jump, if you keep things quiet, the mood will affect her.
A system of rewards for good behaviour is always a help too, when it will make a child realize that doing what they are told brings them benefits, and don't make it food related. Find something else that she enjoys to reward her with.
Best of luck!

Answer 10

ok ummmm..... you are the parent, you allowed all of this to happen. there are no ifs ands of buts about this, you are the reason all of this is happening!!!!!

what u think ur 3 year old knew what junk food was before u gave it to her. um no mommy bought it for her and that is how she learned that junk food is yummy... to solve that problem all u have to do is NOT BUY JUNK FOOD, um how hard is that???

if she doesnt go to bet till 11 you are letting it happen, wake her little butt up at 8am every day so that by the time 9 or so comes around she will be sleepy!!!! have her go to bed then, set up a daily routine, dont break it....

you dont have to spank a child to teach them disipline, take priviledges away (perfect example: JUNK FOOD or a fave tv show, or a fave toy) talk her thru what she did wrong, tell her and talk her thru it. dont just put her in a corner and expect her to learn. you are the adult, you set the example of what behavior is ok and what is not ok.