Please explain to me how you can "reason" with a child under the age of 4?

Question

Seriously. I see parents advocating no timeouts, no spankings and no firm talks, and touting "reasoning" with young children. So...exactly how do you do this with a person that a minimal attention span, and no concept of consequence. How can you teach them about the consequences of bad behavior by "reasoning" with them? Whe are they supposed to learn this by your theories? Or, is is A-OK for your child to bite you, strangers, and other family members to his heart's content with no reprocussions? Just curious.


Jelly- Mom not afraid to discipline a child.

Answer 1

I really don't know. I'm with you, children that young need to be taught in ways they understand. Reasoning will come when they have the ability to reason.

Physical types of discipline have lost favour because they can be so easily abused by frustrated parents. Used cautiously and lovingly I think it's an essential part of development.

... but that's just me, maybe.

Answer 2

You can't reason with someone this age... you have to enforce what you want them to do. I don't advocate spanking as a solution... it is a temporary fix with negative results down the line. I do however enforce time-outs and expect my children (as well as the children I teach at preschool) to adhere to the rules that have been previously established. I feel that if you give children specific instruction on the way you want them to behave, and reinforce positive behaviors, you will get the results you are looking for. There is a huge difference between punishment and discipline- discipline means to teach, whereas punishment is to give a negative response to a behavior. I believe in the power of "natural / logical consequences". Sometimes these are the very best teachers... and you don't have to do anything! Say your child refuses to eat the dinner you have served and throws it away. Fine. They don't receive anything else to eat until the next meal time. Kids learn pretty fast from these natural consequences because they are in a natural order that doesn't change. Another- you have told Johnny a thousand and one times to keep the feet of his chair on the floor, but he continues to tip it back. Eventually, the chair falls backwards and he crashes to the ground. Hmmm... I don't think he'll be doing that again! Sometimes kids learn about consequences best this way. Of course, if it is a huge saftey issue like running into traffic, then it is entirely appropriate to stop him from moving towards it. "Reasoning" at the toddler level just means explaining what you expect. No long talks about your motive or whatever, you'll just lose them. Just a short sentence about what you want them to do and hold them to that explanation. They only get away with what you allow them to.

Answer 3

You can't reason with one so young. This is the time to establish yourself as the parent. One swat on the bottom is not going to scar or hurt a child and I have used it as a last resort, timeouts can work too. I would not allow biting, it must be dealt with before it gets worse. Let the kid know it is unacceptable behavior and give them a time out, be very firm and consistent. I raised two boys nearly all alone since their dad died when they were 3 and 5, if I didn't become a disciplinarian they would have run all over me. Of course I gave them lots of affection and explained rules to them when they got older and they knew it was for their own good. It is the toughest job, being a parent.

Answer 4

No. A child who bites needs to be taught it's wrong.

I've heard a couple of diffferent ways of treating a biter. One says to bite them back. No not hard. Just enough to let them feel the pain and pressure. THis lets them know what they are doing causes pain. If they feel that they are causing pain, they will do more to not do it in the future. (Yeah, you explain this to them too.) AND, each time it happens, you again explainit, use the biting method and talk to them about what it feels like. "Did that hurt? Did it hurt when you bit Susie? Do you think you should do that again?" whatever it takes, you HAVE to keep talking and keep educating. This is not reasoning' it's teaching.

Another one is to put the chld's hand or forearm in their own mouth and push up on their jaw so that they can feel what their biting feels like.

Theories mean nothing to a 4 yr old. They don't even have the concept of school down right yet. You MUST let a child know what they are doin

Answer 5

I do spank or give time outs in a corner. Anything that endangers her life will get a spank, period.They say to go by their age for time outs. If four then four minutes. I also give what we call the 2 finger slap for swearing and biting. I take 2 fingers and give her a little tap on the lip, not HARD! But enough so she got the idea no biting! She is 4 and no longer does that sort of thing. She actually did it at a younger age. With swearing we are trying to reason. She says she wont and then pops out with an oh hell. So who knows. We try what we can.

Answer 6

Children need to know WHY what they are doing is wrong. Time Aways ( as they are called now) work great. It gives the child some time away from the situation to calm down (yourself as well) and then after a few minutes (1 min for every year old. eg 4 yr old 4 min time away). After the time away when you are both calm you can have a quick discussion as to why their behaviour was wrong, dangerous, or whatever. If the child does not get this information as to why what they did was wrong then they will keep putting themselves at risk. Children can understand more then you think and once they know why they understand more about their world. It also encourages communication skills and a bonding opportunity with your child.

Answer 7

imho, please use spanking, firm talking, timeouts etc. etc. as much as you want. They are good tools to reason with your kids.

But crucial things to stick to are:
1. fairness - which means not taking out your bad mood on them, reward for good behavior, punishment for bad, and the measures for good/bad and commensurate reward/punishment to remain as constant as possible. Being consistent in your behavior is v.v.v.important, because as you rightly state they have minimal attention span and a lower concept of consequence. If the signals from you are consistent, they get inculcated over time correctly.
2. DO NOT BE CRUEL - I think that's the no. 1 reason people turn away from punishment. It can become cruel. Cruelty starts when fairness, reason and the child's endurance end.
3. Try to see things from the child's perspective as well. Why did he/she act this way? Was it to seek attention?
4. Always, always, always demonstrate your love. Even if you punish them. Demonstrate, not state. And love cannot be contingent upon their behavior.

My $0.02 :)

Answer 8

Most of you people scare me. I cannot believe that so many people think it's OK to hit a child! Discipline and punishment are 2 entirely different concepts. Discipline teaches respect and mutual trust. Punishment teaches a child to behave because they are scared of you. Which one do you really want? You do not need to punish to discipline. You cannot and should not reason with a 4 year old. You are right they do not understand theories and you do not have to explain anything to them just say "no" to the behaviour and stop them from doing it. Remove them from the situation and let them know that since they cannot control their behaviour you will do it for them. Take away the china vase they are throwing and give them a toy instead (redirection)- keep dangerous things away from them - give them an area where they can use their materials safely. Make sure they are eating properly and sleeping enough so that they are not tired and cranky. Hug your child lots tell him/her they are special and that you love them. Children want the approval of their parents - raising children does not have to be a battle and little people should not be hit.

Answer 9

This isn't the time to reason with a child - this is the time to teach the child right from wrong - period. They will grasp that. Reason comes later.I saw a doctor not to long ago who asked me how a discipline. He stated that in his opinion time outs are a waste of time. It's one thing to "take a break" by sending the child to their room or even the parent taking a break by running to the bathrrom for a quite minute, but having a child stand in the corner is more of a waste of time because most parents forget to talk to child about why they were in trouble in the first place.

Answer 10

My 3 year old is the youngest of my three kids and I haven't ever dealt with a more determined child as he is. There is no reasoning here! He is so hard to deal with on a daily basis. My husband and I have tried everything and hope this is a phase he will out grow. I dont remember my two older ones giving me this much grief>We have tried time outs, spanking, talking till we are blue in the face. He is just very hard to deal and hard headed. At daycare/school he is just fine. It all starts when I pick him up from daycare. He doesnt get along with his brother and sister and he's just a hand full. If you figure it out let me know!

Answer 11

you're wrong when you think that a four year old is too young to understand the concept of consequence. You need to be consistent with your way of reasoning with your child. If the first time he bites, you laughed, he's not gonna understand why you're getting upset now. If you're busy doing something and he bites you to get your attention, show him he has other ways to manage that. If he bites strangers, he may be shy and a little fearfull, so next time you need to make sure he's more comfortable with the situation before you hand him off. Kids understand alot more than we give them credit for... Keep that in mind, have patience and good luck...Lucy