Neighbor issues, Need advice! My neighbor & I became friends when we moved in but she's always at my house...

Question

She comes over & stays HOURS. She’s critical of my kids & has started "correcting" them. Her own daughter is an absolute terror. She's 13 & throws tantrums like she's 2 & screams at her mother but she says my kids are bad. Mine are diagnosed ADHD. You can barely walk (no exaggeration) through their house it’s so bad but when my kids had a few things on the floor, she said their rooms were "dirty" & her daughter was "just unorganized," even though the girl has dog feces in her room because she refuses 2 clean. The neighbors car broke down months ago & she depends on me 2 take her everywhere but never offers any $ 4 gas. Usually, she just wants 2 ride when I go. She has the $ to fix her car. I mentioned my boys won’t wear certain types of shirts & she said I should tell them 2 wear it or else. Not 5 minutes later she was laughing about how her girl has stuff with tags still on she refuses 2 wear, bragging, “nothing but the best 4 my baby.” I think she sees my kids as beneath them. Help!

Gigi- I've had important calls like that when she is at my house. I told her I had to take it and she said ok and continued to stay planted at my kitchen table. Incredible, huh?

Dewanti- I don't owe her anything. That's not the problem. My husband & don't borrow or depend on others because we refuse to be indebted to others.

elvanwizard- I tried annoying her, asking her to show me how to do things that take a lot of time, etc. It didn't work. I would go to her house every day for hours like she does me. She enjoyed it & would try 2 keep me longer than I intended! AGH! I quit going over there so now she's back to my house. I think part of the problem is that she's lonely. Her hubby is gone most of the time for work.

Jennifer- She isn't my best friend. She started out as a friend that became more of a pest. Unfortunately, I cannot move, I own my house. I would move if I was renting.

Red Rooster: that is hilarious! I'm just not the type who can lie. I'm horrible!

sheeny: It's not that I have no backbone. I have been trying to figure out a way to handle this without making an enemy of someone who I have to live beside. And for you to say my kids are trouble makes you no better than my neighbor. Two are ADHD, one is ADD, and one is profoundly MR, all diagnosed by physicians. None of which are considered behavior problems. There is no comparison between an ADHD child who is incapable of sitting still and a child who screams and threatens their parent because they didn’t get a new video game this week or because Mom didn't finish organizing their 1000+ card collection.

Answer 1

This is going to be rough on you, but why don't you just lock the door and leave the house in the morning. Take the kids (if they aren't in school) and go. Spend the day at the library, at the zoo, at the mall or wherever, and don't go home until dinnertime.
Do that for a few days.
Then simply lock the door in the morning and don't let her in.
The longer you let her impose on you, the worse it's going to get. If she wants you to drive her somewhere, tell her you weren't planning to use the car this week. With the price of gas, you have to restrict your driving. You're going to lose her as a 'friend', but it sounds like a pretty one-sided friendship.
Since she won't take a hint, you'll have to use the sledge-hammer technique.
Lots of luck to you!

Answer 2

Sounds like you need to come up with some convenient excuses as to why you are busy when she comes over...expecting company, going to visit a relative, the boys have homework, etc. Even if you just take your kids on a short drive to the local library or claim to have a horrendous headache, eventually she will get the hint. When she's on better behavior, then you can invite her over for a longer visit if you feel like it.

You can also give your best friend or your hubby the heads up and devise a system where you call them as soon as your neighbor shows up and they call you back in about 15 minutes with an urgent message that you just have to take right then...like a bank or business telephone call. You can dismiss her quickly that way, saying it's private business and you absolutely have to take the call.

Answer 3

Do some affirmations. Get some self confidence. Use your back bone. Put your foot down.

Do you want to cut her off completely or still have her in your life? If you still want her somewhat in your life - tell her what time to come by and what time to leave. You could say she can come by at 3 and then you have an appointment at 3:30. Next visit is 4 days away because you are busy.

Other than that - just be firm and keep your door closed. Lock your door and say it isn't convenient for her to come over now and send her on her way.

You can do it. Don't be afraid. Have faith in your self.

Answer 4

You are allowing and enabling this woman to take advantage of you! Think about keeping your door locked so she cannot just walk in unannounced. When she knocks or rings the bell, tell her that you cannot visit with her now because you need to pay attention to your kids or help them with homework or that you have other plans. Don't lie to her her, of course.

She is obviously lonely and has targeted you as her entertainment unit. Comparing her kids to your kids makes her feel better about herself. She needs a friend but you don't have to be that friend. If you allow her to keep taking advantage of you, your home, and your car, she will continue doing so.

If your children have been diagnosed ADHD then you need to be spending time with them not with her. Be strong ... don't let her use you anymore for her amusement.

Answer 5

She is obviously taking advantage of you. She won't be able to if you won't let her. Face it, she is not a neighbor she's an unwanted and unwelcome pest. You need to put your foot down.

Sorry, you're busy right now and can't drive her anywhere.

Sorry, you're just dashing to the store and don't have time to chit-chat.

Sorry, you've got to vacuum. Wash your hair. Walk the dog.

You don't have time for this kind of person in your life, You can be as polite as possible, but you must be firm. No, you don't have time! Even to talk. Let her find another victim. You have to get control of your life back and only you can do it.

Answer 6

Yikes! I wish I knew something that was guaranteed to work. But I do have some ideas.

Be direct and tell her that she is expecting you to be the perfect friend (or something to that effect). Let her know your complaints, but stay focused on the topic. Don't resort to name-calling. And try to keep an even tone. No raising your voice. She's more likely to listen if she doesn't feel like you are attacking her.

You could also try putting her to work if she comes over again. If she thinks your house is messy, make her clean it. If she wants rides from you, make her wash your car. No wash, no ride. Let her know by your actions that if she wants your company, she's going to have to earn it.

As for the criticism about your kids, let her know that if she critisizes them (or your mothering abilities) that she is not welcome. When she critisizes, remind her that you won't tolerate it. If she keeps critisizing, stick up for yourself & your children, then insist that she leave. If she refuses to leave, you might have to call the cops. She was uninvited and is now trespassing.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. Hope you find something that works.

Answer 7

The neighbour from Heck!

She is taking advantage of your kindness and using it to suit her needs. It's not going to be easy to wean this neighbour of her dependency on you, but it can be done.

When she comes knocking on your door, tell her you're busy and can't visit now. Instead of opening the door, talk to her through an open window. Repeat as often as necessary. If she wants you to drive her somewhere and it's inconvenient for you, tell her so. Make something up if you have to.

Be strong and stay the course. When a new family moves into the neighbourhood, she'll probably direct her attention to them.

Answer 8

How does she get inside your house? I assume you let her in. The next time she comes over, open the door a crack and tell her it's really not a good time right now, and that you'll call her when you have time to chat. Then, just don't call her.

If you leave your doors unlocked and she's the type who lets herself in, just keep your doors locked. When she can't get in she'll knock, and just do what I mentioned above. Eventually after being turned away 30 times or so, she'll get the hint.

Answer 9

Well, you should tell her straightforward that number 1. I know you like to come over and talk with us, but sometimes we need our personal space. Say it in a polite way and she'll get the message, but it has to be very straightforward. 2. I know you're just "kind" and want to correct my daughter's mistakes, but I think that's the responsiblity of her parents. Something along those lines to show her that it's YOUR daughter and she should care for her OWN daughter. 3. Ask her: Why didn't you fix your car yet? Sometimes I need my personal space. Can we please just use our own things? Obviously she's taking advantage of you because you are very nice. Now, I'm not saying be rude to everyone in the world, but it's just THOSE people you have to act up to. I personally, just can't stand those who takes advantage of others. Good luck and be strong.

Answer 10

There is a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I think you need to set boundaries. There is nothing wrong with it. Shes manipulating you and degrading you so that she'll feel more adequate for her own failures. You have to set a boundary and you can do it politely without being disrespectful. I highly recommend the book! Good luck! I'm praying for you.