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2006-08-06 22:41:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

13 answers

Get back to work!

2006-08-06 22:48:23 · answer #1 · answered by police 6 · 12 5

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

How young can you die of old age?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I can't stop thinking like this.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

2006-08-07 06:17:29 · answer #2 · answered by JB 3 · 0 0

Be happiest on mondays make something to do on mondays that you would look forward to so you dont hate the begining of the week.

2006-08-07 06:08:58 · answer #3 · answered by Sarah 2 · 0 0

THIS IS A GOOD ONE! GAMBLING BLONDE
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ... and bet Twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby .... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down .... and squealed ... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."

2006-08-07 06:11:33 · answer #4 · answered by shoosh_b 5 · 0 0

There was this woman pregnant with triplets walking home from buying a few thing at the grocery store. On her walk home a thief robbed her and shot her 3 times in the stomach. She made it out the ordeal alive and so did her unborn children but the doctors could not retrieve the bullets.

About 10 years later after the whole birth thing the mother was laying in her bed and one of her daughters ran in yelling, ¨Mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out¨, so the mother told her the story of the robbery. 5 minutes later the other daughter ran in yelling, ¨Mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out¨, so the mother told her the story also.

Her son, the last of the triplets, ran in yelling... but before he could answer, the mother said, "I know... you were peeing and a bullet came out".

He said, "NO..:! I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"




Another one!


A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads "Can I have
12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts yelling at the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. "What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven's sake!", to which the guy responds... "Genius me butt - this is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key!"

2006-08-07 05:58:23 · answer #5 · answered by GS 3 · 0 0

A man was walking along a beach when he saw a mermaid sitting on a rock. He sat down with her and asked if he could stroke her hair. She agreed. Then he asked if he could stroke her breasts. She agreed. Then he asked her if she had ever been f---ed. She said no. He said. You have now, the tides just gone out.

2006-08-07 05:54:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

oh, someones got the case of the Mondays!

2006-08-07 05:45:29 · answer #7 · answered by Me luv u long time 5 · 0 0

Sing Just another manic Monday.....

2006-08-07 05:54:44 · answer #8 · answered by Joy 3 · 0 0

Look for the joke,about the Irish Cat !
Barker...

2006-08-07 08:19:57 · answer #9 · answered by Barker 2 · 0 0

dont we all hate mondays

2006-08-07 05:46:45 · answer #10 · answered by *samzie* 1 · 0 0

If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

2006-08-07 05:47:18 · answer #11 · answered by AussieGrrrl 2 · 0 0

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