what would you do if you are in my situation????

Question

what would you do if you are in my situation????
My husband was divorced for 3 years before I met him his ex-wife left him for another man and she left their two kids with him, now they are grown up and the other one is living with him she’s 18 years old, We are married and living together with his daughter for a year now, his daughter was only close to her father and resent her mother, before I move in with them she wrote me a letter that “she will do anything for me, she can’t wait to see me” since her father and I met 8000 miles away and his daughter and I only met her after we got married and move from my country to their country. At first she was ok with me and to everything, I have done everything to her take care of her when she was sick and be there for her and after about two months, she started to change when she started getting close to her mother, she just didn’t change to me but to her father as well, there is no quite days in our house in every little thing she started to moan things to her father shouting, telling him he is stingy and, doesn’t do anything about her when in fairness to my husband he does take care of her daughter , buy things to his daughter, he bought her a car but his daughter never appreciate everything my husband do for her, and then she started being funny with me, we went to the party and we were there sitting in front at each other and she started throwing peanuts on my face, pop a party popper on my face and I was just patient because I don’t want an argument and in the middle of the party when I just got back from the toilet and when I was about to sit down she pulled the chair from underneath that make me fall to the floor she started laughing and I told her it wasn’t funny at all and she started telling me “ok bring it on, bring it on, stuff it with you”, I was really upset I just told my husband to take us home and when we get home my husband told her off that the things she did was out of control and she started crying and telling her dad that it was just a joke, she does things to me that I can’t carry on like messing all her things every time I clean, she doesn’t wash the dishes and let me wash it, she use a bunch of towels everyday when I was the one who is washing, she lost my dog before I got back from America when she was supposed to be looking after it and never even say sorry and explain how did the dog got lost, I have tried to be patient and think she might realize that I am not her enemy, I tried to talk to her but instead she doesn’t listen when I talk. Now, we sold our house and looking for a place to live but deep inside my heart I don’t want her to move with us anymore and I told my husband about how I feel, and it seems my husband will do nothing about it.

Answer 1

What a little sh*t! you should suggest she moves in with her mum if she's gonna be like that, sounds like her mum is'nt helping much either and turning her aginst you, sort it out, don't let it fester, good luck :)

Answer 2

8,000 miles is a huge cultural divide and I suspect that you came from the 'other' country where family is the most important aspect of daily life regardless of how you became part of the family. I also suspect that you are significantly younger than the actual mother would be now. This has a down side as the daughter will see you more as a threat than if you were older. I really don't agree with the 'daughters are protective of their fathers' they are jealous that's all it is .. My stepdaughter is similar, I can never do anything right. However I have spoken with her mother and told her that I cannot put up with the trauma any longer and I'm a man!! In your case it may not be so easy to do this but its worth a try again. In a few years the girl will fly the nest then your husband and you can start a quality life. Having said that how many times do you get 'home' to your mother country? Regardless of its a world player or third world in development it is still your home and I suspect that some issues between you are cultural and with no support it will be even harder for you. Get a home trip and get things in perpsective. Keep your head and keep your cool. Now the bad bit. If she deliberately pulled the chair away from you then you could have been seriously injured. At 18 she should be aware of the consequences of her actions. In law she would be liable. Throwing peanuts at you is a silly little girl trying to get attention. Letting off a party popper in your face is dangerous. If your husband does not see this then maybe you should find another.

Answer 3

There is a special bond between a father and daughter.

Daddy is the first male in the girl's life and as she grows so the feelings about this man change and mature. All of us reached the confusing stage where we realised that the daddy we love is in fact a MAN and confusion reigns for a while until the hormones settle down and we once again realise that it is OK to love someone, without the sex thing getting in the way.

To be honest it sounds to me as if this woman is still a confused child inside and does not know how to handle you and her father as a couple. A few years down the line she may be able to face it, but it all seems too much for her right now.

For her sake and your's it might be best if there was a temporary break. She needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable and you need to be able to live in peace.

She needs to be told firmly but fairly that although she is loved and wanted as part of your family her unacceptable behaviour makes living under the same roof impossible.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck.

Answer 4

Sorry but there isn't a lot you can do. A parents love for a child is unconditional and I guess this is what your husband must feel.
Sit down and explain your feelings to your step daughter, and explain why you feel so hurt. At the end of the day remember you are dealing with an 18 year old and don't expect too much from her, but also remember that she is 18 so can get a place of her own if that is really the solution......

Answer 5

Wow. This is not good. Only married a year with this problem child.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a long chat.

This 'should be' your honeymoon year!!!
Not 'babysitting your 18 year old brat" year.

Maybe if you threaten your husband that you
are thinking of 'moving on with your life'.....he will straighten
out his daughter.

Or maybe if you sit the daughter down and say.....
"You evidently don't like me.
Your father loves me very much
but I am going to leave him because you don't like me.
I know this will break his heart but I have to do this because of you"

She won't want the guilt trip of being the cause of her father;s
unhappiness. Try a little 'reverse psychology.

Or.......better yet....start doing the things she does to you...back to her....

throw peanuts in her face....
pull the chair out from under her....
etc.

I know it's childish.....well she is acting like one...
let her see how it feels.
Just laught and say.....Oh, I was just joking!!

Good luck. Sounds like you have a major issue here.

Answer 6

She sounds like a proper little madam. I've been in a similar situation myself, only it was my sons and they seem to have a problem with my second husband. Even though it hurt me to do it, I told my adult children that until they are able to see the situation more clearly then I can't see them.
Long story and I don't want to tell it here, I love my kids but can't go on being hurt when I've tried my best.
We all have feelings and we all hurt at some time, but thing is, that we don't have to put ourselves in the position to be deliberately hurt by people we care for.
She is now old enough to be told, tell her and get your husband to tell her, all this nonsense has to stop, or she may lose.

Answer 7

Is the girl on drugs? That is what it sounds like to me.. but I could be wrong. I would contact her mother and see if there is a way you could arrange for her daughter to live with her. I mean, she is her daughter. There has to be some sort of responsiblity there. And, who knows.. maybe the daughter is rebelling because she doesnt want to leave, since she found a relationship with her mother. And, maybe she wants to live with her mom. I would call a family meeting and discuss it with her and her father.. and also her mother, if possible. Get everything out in the open and deal with it. Good luck!! I hope everything turns out well for you.

Answer 8

He really cares about his daughter i'm sure and he just wants her to be happy after all that she's been through. He will do anything for her. But you need to talk to him and tell him that she'll be dependent on someone else her entire life. She seems like she still acts like a little girl and hasn't had a real chance to grow up. Tell him if he cared about her that he would let her go and help her live in the real world.

Answer 9

You married a weak man. If this is true, then your stepdaughter is behaving inappropriately and making your life a misery. I suggest counselling and mediation. Speak to your doctor and ask for help. There is help available.
My husband doesn't like arguments either. It is very hard when you feel so alone. Your stepdaughter will come to regret her behaviour in a few years. If your husband sorts this out now, a lot of resentment will go.

Answer 10

firstly at 18 he is responsible for her own actions, so don't take this on your shoulders.. sounds as if she is just acting out old harboured resentments. You need to be firm but fair with her, don't try and step in the middle of a row with her dad.. perhaps say that you are glad she is in touch with her mum and remind her you will always be her friend.. but state that hurting you wont make her feel better or change anything.. you cant stop her moving in with you if her dad wants this.. at 18 she may move out or back with her mum.. just be honest how you feel and try not to make your partner feel he has to take sides, its a tough one, try contacting step parent support groups? the very best of luck.

Answer 11

Having to be in this situation i see is hard.
i mean i'm only 17 and i could see that you are in really much stress. i would also be lost if i were you. but i think the reason is because
of the ex wife. if she would of thought better as a mom she would of not teach her child to hate others. of course you know that every mom loves thier own child and is scared another women could not love their child as much as they do, but you should always be patient because things like this will happen. Or it could also be that the ex wife just envy you.
She will see one day that you are a good person and deserve what is right. well you take
good care and don't think to much ok.