Tell me a good joke? I just messed up my job interview I'm so depressed..?

Question

lmao thanx u guys for making me laugh..esp the one abt the blondeguy...lol

Answer 1

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him.
One day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.
He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away,
turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another
right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home
and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the
phone, I'm lost, and need directions!"

Answer 2

Here are some funny rejected license plate motto's:
Montana, land of the big blue sky and very little else
North Dakota, better than south Dakota
Kentucky, tobacco is a vegetable
New Mexico, lizards make excellent pets
Texas, Si hablo engles!
Colorado, 50 million people 15 last names

Answer 3

A boy came down stairs for breakfast.
His mom said no breakfast until the chores were done.
He was mad so he went out and fed the chickens and kicked the rooster
He slopped the hogs and kicked a hog.
He milked the cow and kicked the cow.Now his mom was watching all this from the kitchen window.
When he sat down at the table,he asked his mom where his breakfast was.She said

Can't have any eggs b/c you kicked the rooster

Can't have any bacon b/c you kicked the pig

Can't have any milk b/c you kicked the cow.

Just then his dad came down the stairs and kicked the cat
The little boy looked at his mom and said"you wanna tell him or should I"

Answer 4

A vacuum cleaner salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Answer 5

A minister concerned that a dear old lady hadn't been to church for several weeks stopped by her home to visit. She informed him she had been away visiting relatives and that she planned to be in church next week. She offered to make some tea and excused herself. On a small table between their chairs was a dish full of peanuts. The minister helped himself to a few and sat patiently waiting for the lady to return. It took her quite awhile and in the meantime the minister ate a few more peanuts. He sat there thinking about all the people in his church and pondered how to help each of them all the while eating more peanuts. To his horror, he reached for another peanut and they were all gone!!

He felt embarrassed to think he ate the whole bowl. When the lady returned with the tea he had to apologize for eating all the peanuts. The lady said. "Oh don't worry about that, I don't like peanuts, I just suck the chocolate off them."

Answer 6

There was a redheaded guy, a brunette guy, and a blonde guy out in the rainforest when they were captured by cannibals! The cannibals told the redheaded guy that they were going to skin him and use his skin to make a boat. He pleaded with them, but they showed no sympathy and skinned him and made a boat. Then the said the same thing to the brunette guy. He started begging for his life, but they skinned him and made a boat anyway. Then they told the blonde guy they were going to make a boat out his skin. So he grabbed the knife and started stabbing himself, saying, "You can't make a boat out of me now! There's too many holes in me! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"

Answer 7

okay

An teacher of a 2nd grade class was discussing whales .She said whales maybe huge but their throats are too small to swallow humans.So alittle girl raises her hand and says teacher Jonah was swallowed by a whale thats what my sunday teacher said .She looked and said thats impossible it could never happen.So the little girl said when i get to heaven im gonna ask Jonah about it The teacher replied how do you know Jonah didnt got to Hell and the little girl said well in that cases you can ask him then LOL

Answer 8

Alright maybe not a joke Just tryin to sign your pitty on the runnin time answer this What do you buy at the supermarket that is black when you get it?.Red when you using it?..And grey when you are finish with it?...

Answer 9

There was a teacher and she was giving her students a taste test. She first put out a cherry life saver and they sucked and all yelled that's cherry! That's right the teacher said. Now she asked her students can any one name this flavor? they sucked and sucked and they couldn't tell what it was and so the teacher said it is something your mom calls your dad in the mornign. Little boy jumps out of his chair and yells spit it out spit it out it's an a** hole.

Answer 10

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.