my brother told me he was gay, it has been years, should I tell my elderly mom?

Question

My brother told me he was gay when I was 15, I am now 34. He has never told anyone else in our family. I have been protecting his secret for all these years. He is out with his friends and he told my sister in law just last year. I now have 8 yr old twins and have been married for 13 years, our parents are over 70 and I am very close to my mom. I feel like there is a huge gap in my relationship with my mom because of the secret that i hold for my brother. Sometimes I am very resentful and have spouts of anger against him when I am around my mom and she just doesn't understand and probably thinks i am just mean. She is very loving and I don't want to hurt her but, I also feel there is a major injustice here and I would like to be honest with my mother. He has no steady boyfriend and he says he sees no reason to tell our parents. There is a big gap in our relationships because of it. ADVICE PLEASE!!!

Answer 1

My, that's a long time to hold in a secret like that isn't it? But yes, it is his secret to tell none-the-less. What I do believe you should do is tell your brother how you feel. He will become very defensive, as it is expected with something he is very obviously afraid to tell. Either your parents are unaccepting and he has a fear of thier disappointment and disapproval or he just simply does not feel the need to tell them after this long because they are now elderly and he doesn't see a real point.

I can understand how this might be a burden on you. I admire you for being able to keep such a grand secret for such a long time. It had obviously put it's toll on you. Your mother bring up how your brother hasn't married yet and I'm sure you want to tell her why, but don't. Just change the subject and wait and see if your brother will tell them. Has he a close relationship with your parents? He would be closer if he was honest. It would take time, but any parent who honestly loved thier children would learn to accept it. They are the same person, it doesn't matter who they choose to love or who the happen to fall in love with.

I'm a lesbian myself and had to go through it too. But now my mechanic father is fixing my girlfriends Taurus and teasing her with moths. It's hard at first, but life moves on and when it does it's great to be open and free about something so big as this. Don't tell them for him... it's something he has to do. Something that will help him out of the closet because that closet is a scary, scary place.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Sorry whether you like it or not, the fact that he is gay is not your secret to tell. If you want to be able to come clean with your mom, talk to your brother. Tell him that you are having a hard time keeping this from your mother, and you really feel the need to open up with her. If he is adamant against it, you MUST respect his wishes, but he needs to be aware that he should respect you as well, so you do need to tell him how you feel about this situation, and the spot it's put you in. Maybe he will decide that you have kept this secret long enough and he'll tell your parents, but don't count on it. Plan to keep keeping the secret.

Answer 3

Your brother at a very young age took you into his confidence, and you were probably young too. You are an adult now and have managed not to divulge his secret, however every time you have a bout of anger, which I call a tantrum you are letting your brother down. Respect his decision not to burden your parents with this information at this point in their lives. It certainly is not your place to divulge it. This should have no bearing on your relationship with your Mum. Consider this for a moment - who will benefit if you divulge ? Certainly not your Mother or brother. You may feel better for getting it off your chest but that is a selfish motive.

Answer 4

Dear sir/madam,

I think that you should think hundread times before you do any thing. Your brother has told you that he was a gay as he thought that you might be your nest friend or some one close to his heart and feelings. And keeping that secret in your heart doesn't mean that you are hurting your mother. See these days people are accepting homosexuals also. And moreover we cannot share every thing with our parents although how attached they are to us. We can share some things with brithers/sisters/friends. So I dont thin that you are hurting your mom by not letting know the secret of your brother. But insted if you want to tell that to your mother please take care in such a way that you tell in a matured way. But please think properly and maturedly while presenting the issue to your elderly mother(if you want to tell).

Regards

Answer 5

It's not your place to tell your mother.

However, I would tell your brother what a burden this is to you. And, if he still doesn't take action, then tell him that you gave him a shot, but you're going to do what you feel is right.

Remember to hear him out on his reasonings for not telling your mom. And also keep in mind that while telling your mom may close the gap between you and your mother... it may create a very large, and painful gap between HIM and your mom (this obviously depends on her personal views).

Answer 6

When he tells you that he see's no reason to tell your parents, he is really telling you that he is not ready to tell them. He may feel that he will lose their respect if they knew his sexual identity. This is something you MUST leave alone. You should not harbor resentment towards him because he does not want to tell them. He has his reasons and you must repsect them. There is no injustice in your parents not knowing his sexual identity. The injustice would be to reveal it without his consent. Your parents love your brother because he is their son. Let them love him for who he is...their son. His sexual identity is not his entire identity. He is still the same brother and son as before he told you.

Answer 7

It is not your duty to tell your mother. It is his. He is the one with the secret plus he confided in you cause he knew he could tell you without you telling others and give him the time to tell who he wanted. Maybe he hasn't cause it may be for the best for the family. Utimatly you must go with your heart if you feel it is right to tell her then do so.

Answer 8

Let sleeping dogs lay. It will hurt more than help if you reveal your secret. Your brother told you because he felt comfortable telling you. If he wants to "come out of the closet" to your parents he will.

Answer 9

So basically, you want to sell-out your own brother and HIS secret, and discredit and shame him in your parents eyes in order to gain yourself a better, more favourable position and all the attention.
I'm sure after all these years they probably sense or already are AWARE,...and choose to ignore.
You telling them the obvious, which they choose (or pretend) to overlook, may put YOU in a very bad situation and OUT with ALL!
NEVER-MIND "HIM" COMMING OUT!
YOU'LL BE OUT....OF "ALL" THEIR LIVES!
MABE FOR "GOOD"....... this time!

Answer 10

NO WAY if u tell ur mum there will be a gap between u and ur brother GESHE learn how to keep secerets dont be a BARF mouth srry