We have been separated for about 7yrs and he is remarried with a 8 month old little boy. We also have a son together and biologically he is not his. He feels it necessary to tell him now at age 11yrs old, and keep in mind he spends 2 maybe 3 days out of the month with him. Our son had a hard time adapting to the separation and has not been the same, I am here 24-7 and see his emotional state and he is not ready to have this conversation mentally or emotionally. I would really appreciate input and your suggestions on this situation, I really don’t know how to make my X understand.. Thank you so much!
2006-08-06 16:28:22 · 16 answers · asked by misslc88 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Your ex is going to continue to pressure you. He has a new family, a biological child of his own now, and sees no reason to pretend to be a father to your child any longer.
It was ok before he had his own child and now he doesn't need your son to feel like a father.
I know that sounds horrible and it is........but it is the truth.
If I were you, and I seriously mean this.....
Tell your son yourself where YOU can control the environment, and the manner in which he is told, with the love and compassion that will be needed.
Because if you don't............your ex is going to tell him and he is not going to be very delicate about it.
Ex spouses can be very cruel and vindictive and they don't care who they hurt. Please don't let it be your child.
2006-08-13 17:21:53 · answer #1 · answered by ETxYellowRose 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yellowrose is right on!
I think you should go to a counsellor and ask him how to tell your child ASAP! He needs to know FROM YOU, since you are there 24/7 You are all he REALLY has. His life is already in turmoil. He needs counselling yesterday.
Don't make your x understand anything. He is history. He has no strings on that child that YOU do not allow him to have.
Save your son any more pain, by telling him the truth YOURSELF, gently and with kindness. Get ready for him to blow a gasket. I sure would.
Do you and your son a giant favor and do not give him another "father" until he is out of your house.
I gave my older son a step-father who abused him, and I was weak for not leaving immediately. When I finally DID leave, I promised my sons there would be no more fathers, until they
were grown. I kept my promise. They never saw a man in my house until they were grown.
I was engaged to a man for about 6 months, who broke up with me because I wouldn't marry him. I said I keep my promises.
Now my sons are 21 and 31. I am living with a wonderful man who is my soul-mate. My sons love him to death, and they all respect me for raising them alone, and keeping my promises.
If I can, you can. Good luck.
2006-08-14 15:36:58 · answer #2 · answered by Lottie W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are the biological mother and the primary parent. Your ex is
not entirely absent, so you need to keep the parental unit as intact as possible for your son's sake.
I suggest you tell your ex that since you and he disagree on this
you consult a professional before informing your son. Agree with him that when the two of you cannot agree on a major decision
like this you get a professional third opinion.
That way, the two of you remain united in your decisions. Don't make your son a pull toy, who winds up on the side of whoever is tugging harder on an issue. You two need to agree, or seek outside advice.
Your ex might go for that way of looking at it, because it
makes it about your son, and not who is right.
2006-08-14 22:39:15 · answer #3 · answered by Steve 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had the same thing going on here...but I was always honest with my child and my child knew. You can't change the past, but I feel your child should have known long ago. Yet if you feel he isn't at an emotional state to handle it, I would tell your EX that you see what the whole situation has done to your son.. and that he doesn't need to hear it right now.....he has to much going on as it is. Let him deal with what's going on (new child) because he is only going to feel rejected if he finds out now because of the new baby. I hope that when your son does find out that he will be okay!!! In my prayers!!!!
2006-08-06 23:39:31 · answer #4 · answered by livinNlovin 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I personally think that you should tell him. Because its better to find out now than it is when he is all grown up. Look at it this way... would you rather for him to grow up as a young man and find out that his father the one that he has known all his life is not really his father, and then having him go through everyday thinking that his whole life has been a lie and not knowing who to believe? Or would you rather tell him now and be there for him until he is able to understand? Which one do you prefer. Make the right decision, your son needs to know the truth. Tell him, I know you don't want him to get hurt, but it has to come out, and sooner the better. Now if you don't tell him you will sufer too. Tell him everything...
2006-08-14 08:41:13 · answer #5 · answered by Ashley Babi15 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your ex sounds vindictive and mean. What a horrible thing to want to do to your little boy! It sounds as if his current wife is pressuring him. Do you have to let him spend time with your ex? I would be afraid the creep would tell him one day.
I think the only thing you can do is tell your son before your ex does. I can only imagine how hard that will be.
Good luck, you sound like a very caring and loving mother.
2006-08-13 12:09:07 · answer #6 · answered by Patti C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He was not his dad and is still not his dad....no difference.
Find a way to discuss this with your son. I think that your ex is uncomfortable with your son, now that he has an actual child of his own. He feels the difference.
There are some very good books in the library for children that deal with these issues of parenthood, blended families, divorces, etc.
Your son needs to find out soon, before your uncaring ex throws it in his face and hurts him with it.
It is better you do it gently, than your ex do it bluntly.
Good luck.
2006-08-14 22:39:29 · answer #7 · answered by schnikey 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I understand you completely. It is hard on any kid to find out that their father is not their father. I would wait til he is just a couple of years older. 11 is still a child. I would at least wait til your son is 13. Then would be a good time he will have matured more and possibly be able to handle it then. GOOD LUCK!!!
2006-08-12 23:54:08 · answer #8 · answered by Kat N 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
why in the hell would your ex destroy your son what is wrong with him he is his father he is the only father that he know you need to keep him away from your son if he is already having emotional problem he needs some seroius councseling and now keep him away please for you son life like cause that will put him in destruction mode protect him at all cost good luck
2006-08-14 22:33:19 · answer #9 · answered by poda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why do I feel like this new baby as something to do with is behavior, listen tell the man if he doesnt want to be afather to your child anymore just tell you so you can deal with it, why is it so important to him to tell the child now! if your childs biological father is alive you need to sit your child down and explain to him how this situation came to be and help him cope with it .
I think it would be easier if you got some professional help to deal with this.
2006-08-13 23:47:43 · answer #10 · answered by coleman_debby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋