How to help a girlfriend who has been raped?

Question

I recently started dating someone who was date raped right after we met. After 3 weeks of dating she told me what happened. She did this becuase every time we were getting intimate, we would stop....she didn't want me to think that it was anything I had done. I didn't run away from her after hearing this, and I really like her and who she is, and I am willing to be patient. I am being respectful of her, but is she better off if I don't date her anymore? Is she going to have a tougher time moving on with me around? I know she feels strongly about me, but I can't get any commitment from her, not sexual, but in referring to me as a boyfriend and being exclusive. She isn't dating anyone else, but I still have my own insecurities about this. I don't want to wait around for 6 months until she is ready only to have her not want to go there with me. It has been two months and I just want to do what's right for both of us.

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks.

Let me just say I am asking because I care about her, and I am not in a hurry to have sex, that isn't necessarily what this is about....I just want to help her and I want to know if since we are dating and we like each other, if she needs to deal with things before getting deeper involved with me. I told her that she is with the right person if she needs someone to be patient, just hope that it doesn't slow her recovery by being in this relationship with me.

Answer 1

Let's start off with I have been in the exact same situation except I was in her shoes. I know how she feels. Try seeing things how she sees them, I mean really look. A man ( I am guessing it was a man) totally violated her, touched her and made her do things that she didn't want to happen. She may feel guilty for it, like it was her fault, i did for a long time. A man took her for granted and she may have the thought that now most men will do that in some way or some fashion. She may be feeling scared to show her body to anyone now because some other person took away her feeling of safety when doing so. how would you feel if someone stuck something up your beehindy or made you do a sexual act that you were not comfortable with at all. I am sure you would be feeling a lot of things and I am sure you wouldn't know where to start to be able to sort those feelings out. She is feeling that way. First thing, Don't push, not saying you are and you may thing you are not doing it but toher right now anything could feel like pushing. Second take some time to show her how you feel for her, make her feel special because I am sure right now special is the last thing she feels. Third try telling her that you know its tough, because it is, and tell her that you want to be there for her, so if she wants to talk about how she is feeling that you are there to listen and NOT JUDGE! Tell her to be honest and let her say everything she is feeling and then don't shoot back with anything to make her feel worse. Even if something like this comes out - "I let him touch me there because I dind't know what to do, it just happened, I swear I didn't want it to but it did" she probably is still trying to sort out what really did happen. She may tring to make excuses for what happened. Maybe she didn't really let him touch her, but her telling herself and you that she let him, somehow may put her mind to ease. Trust me when something like this happens nothing in her head makes any sense any more. Its all emotions and guilt running until she can find a way to put the peices back together. Now, like I said she may not want to talk so don't push. Fourth ask yourself do you really want to make this work for you two and give it a chance? if you do don't put a time on it, like six months, because as much as we would all like her to be able to put her emotions back into order in six months that might not happen, it might not happen for even longer, it might happen in three months or ten, or even a year, but if you want to give it a chance walk by her side until she is ready because it is about her now. If you truly care stay there, right there by her side and when she is ready tp hold your hand trust me she will because I am sure she wants to but right now it is just a matter of her telling herself that she can. When she wants to kiss you she will, its just a matter of Her telling Her that SHE CAN, no one else can tell her that she has to make that decision for herself. I can tell you that It means more than you know having someone there waiting for her because when she is ready she will love you so much just for waiting. Good luck! I hope this helped...

Answer 2

She needs to get involved with group or person who does Rape Counseling. She isn't necessarily going to be better off without you, but she's at a very difficult point in her life and her focus, for the time being, isn't going to be on boyfriends.
If you want to stand with her through this that would be commendable but there is no way to promise you that she would be with you at the end. Two months is a pretty short time to expect a commitment from someone, rape or no rape. I think you want too much too soon and this would be true regardless of her emotional state. I think a good growing point for you would be to stop expecting instant relationships complete with sex.
If you think you have the maturity to get through this with her than stand by her, it would do wonders for her self-esteem to think that you don't see her as "damaged goods" because of the rape. However, part of becoming a real adult is that you stop expecting to "get something" from your relationships with people. She may fall in love with you because you stood by her, she may not. Are you ready for that kind of deep commitment anyway? Ask yourself that question and see what you come up with.

Answer 3

This is going to be very tough, not only for you, but for her. Imagine yourself in her position. (Yes, this can happen to guys as well.) Imagine the embarrassment, the pain, the humiliation, and the feeling of being "dirty". These things are probably affecting her every moment of every day. Your patience and understanding will certainly help, but she will have to be the one to help herself. She will most likely need counseling, and some tests to make sure everything is okay. Be there, as her friend. Don't ask anything more of her right now. She is not able to give anything else of herself right now, as part of her was TAKEN against her will. Stand by her side, listen and learn. Offer nothing more than compassion right now. If in the future she is able to move on from this, hopefully she will see what a pillar you have been to her, and she'll realize that not all men are like the one who did this to her. If she does not, you can take pride in knowing that you cared enough about another human being to be there through a tragedy such as this. Best wishes for you, and especially for her. She's going to need it.

Answer 4

Ok. Coming from a person that has been raped, she really needs you to support her right now. It's going to take her awhile to feel comfortable again with sexual things. Let her have her space but also let her know that you are there for her. And if you cant deal with that, you are a jerk and you should never have another girlfriend again. But seeing as you are asking for help, you must be willing. Encourage her to tell her parents if she has not yet done so, and if she doesnt feel comfortable with her parents, have her tell another trusted adult that can help her talk to a counselor or get into a coping class. Most of all, dont pressure her at all into doing anything that she doesnt want to do.

Answer 5

I'm a Victim Advocate for the rape crisis center in my city. You need to make sure you don't minimize her trauma. Validate her problems. The after effects of the trauma can take years to go away. The problem is that the part of the brain that takes over during a rape is not a part that we consciously control. So, she can work through things, but sometimes things will come up out of her control.

But, I am not trying to scare you away. I myself am a survivor of sexual assault and have a great relationship with my husband. So, just be patient and positive. Maybe she should get professional help. In my city all of our resources are free. You can go to www.rainn.com for more information on resources in your area.

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

Sometimes risking six months of your life is worth the end result. If you do feel strongly about her maybe it is worth the wait. A woman will not get over something like that overnight. I hope she is getting some counseling to help her through it. She may not want to commit with anyone until she feels a little like her normal self again. Trauma changes people and she may just be being cautious because she feels that, and doesn't want to risk hurting you or getting hurt herself.

Answer 7

Sounds like you just want her for her sex. If you really cared about her the way you say you do, it wouldnt matter if it took 6 months or 3 years to get intimate with her. If you need puzzy that bad, move on...she will be fine without you.

Answer 8

Just ask her. Of course it was a difficult thing for her to experience, and to tell you, but you absolutely cannot force her into anything. Just tell her how you feel and continue being patient. If it's not going to develop into a serious relationship, then just remain good friends, if that's what she wants. Good luck!

Answer 9

Listen, Listen she is going to need someone who will be there for her, someone who can be patient and help her understand why this has happened and that it was wrong, but you also need to realize is now she is a bruised apple that probably won't heel for a while. Is she worth the wait?

Answer 10

You sound like a really sweet guy. I think you should continue to date her and help her get through the tough times. That way she always has someone there for her to talk to and whatnot.