Why does she do this?

Question

I have a friend who has two children. She is very intelligent and articulate - generally liked by everyone. She is also a very good mother. But she never, ever lets anyone into her house. Last week, I went round when she wasn't there and went round the back into the garden - and was able to see through a gap in the gardens into her home. And it was awful. More disgusting than you can imagine - we are not talking just grubby here. I've long suspected her problem may be something like this.

To be clear - this is not a person with obvious mental issues. Whenever I see her and the kids she and they are clean.

I just don't understand - or know what to do. Has anyone heard of this before?

OK - wanna know why I haven't "minded my own business" - because there were flies, at least 30 bin bags in the kitchen alone, and the most god-awful smell.

And she's my friend - I want to help if I can. Don't you gob-shites have any friends?

Answer 1

REPORTED!
So rude and bad mannered.
Your Mummy should be ashamed of you!

How nosey...peeping through curtains!
You obviously lead a sad life.

Pathetic creature you!

Answer 2

Well it's too bad you had to sneak a peek into the unknown, but we all have curiosity. Some people unfortunately hate doing house work and let if fall behind especially when they may have children and maybe if they are involved in outside activities and maybe extra activities themselves feel they don't have time to "clean" house and then one day it reaches a point they feel is a "I can't do it all" and that's when it hit overload and they feel they can't get it cleaned up and continue to let it go, but most don't realize that if they just take a few minutes every day or two to clean just even one small area, a table top, a floor corner, dresser top and so on that they could have it corrected again and just continue the small fragments of time to maintain at least an appearance for their home that she and especially her children can share with others. I assume the children are maybe too young to help out or if older have never been assigned chores to do. I sincerely hope this person realizes that even a little time spent occasionally picking up cleaning/organizing can open up a whole different world for her and her children. As what to do, not anything really, as she has hid this behind closed doors and if you say something she would certainly wonder how you know, and you might become a friend no longer, as she would feel you spyed on her. As long as she appears to be taking care of the children and they are clean then not much you can do for sake of the friendship, only if you feel that there are unsanitary conditions for the children to live in on the inside (even though they are clean on the outside of the house) then that is a different story, its totally up to you, good luck!

Answer 3

It's a shame her house is like that. Maybe after working all day and taking care of two children she just doesn't have the energy to clean the house like it should be.

Maybe if she had started before it got that bad it would have been easy to keep clean but once it gets to a certain point it would just take so much to get it back to normal that she just doesn't know where to start.

Does she have any family around or is she all alone in this town without any kind of support group? Maybe an offer to take the children for a weekend to give her some time to herself, maybe she would find the time and energy to at least get a start on it, then again, maybe not, one way to find out.

As long as she is keeping the kids well fed and them and herself clean, there isn't much more you can do. Is the house filthy dirty or is it just cluttered everywhere? There is a big difference.

Try to find a way to help her if you can. Good luck.

Answer 4

My grandmother had hoarder's syndrome, and this sounds like what you're describing. It's a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. In my grandmother's case, it was also compounded by the fact that she lived through the Great Depression and couldn't afford much. Once there was prosperity again, she never gave up saving things that might be useful.

My grandmother had a huge home that was filled floor to ceiling in every room with things she thought would be better saved than thrown away. Housework was impossible in a house like that. Nothing was usable, and when we finally cleaned out that home, it took 8 dumpsters to get rid of the garbage.

Clutter is a problem we all deal with. Most people have some clutter issues to tackle, especially with children. Trust me on this, I have four children, and it's almost a nonstop battle at times. Often, I have to rationalize on how much we really NEED newspapers that are over a week old and not read yet.

You aren't going to be able to confront her on this. To do so will mortify her, and you'll lose your friendship. The disorder requires treatment, usually with antidepressants.

If she keeps her children and herself clean, just be the best friend to them you can be.

Answer 5

Well it has been known before , I dont know if there is a term for this but I would suggest she does need some help, some people like this dont mind people into their houses, these are the people I think that are not quite there.

Your friend on the other hand is obviously aware of the state as she is embarrassed to let you in, maybe her untidyness has just got well out of hand and she does not know where to start, like the bin bags where can she put them all?

A cause for concern if the house is as bad as you say is the childrens health, they may be clean but the environment in which they are living in is certainly not good for them.

What would I do? ....Probably try and take her by surprise so she is caught out and then offer help in a round about sort of way i.e. "can I help dispose of some of these bin bags for you"?

I hope you can help sort your friend out, good luck.

Answer 6

Maybe with the children she hadn't had time to clean.The kids could have been ill or she could have been ill.Sometimes depression can lead to fatigue.She may be going through alot right now and feeling overwhelmed with the kids and housework.Maybe you could call her and act like it is an attempt to take the kids for a special day and mention how you really don't like to clean and see what she says.More than likely she will agree with you.When she does say I know having 2 kids it must be even harder to find time and energy to clean up.Then when she says yes offer to come over and help her clean up.She will decline but set a day to come over to clean.Tell her you don't mind etc.Then help her clean up get organized and make a day for just you and her and a day for you to take the kids so she can have some me-time.Thats what a good friend should do.If this doesn't work come over everyday so she will get the point that you want to come in.Eventually she will let you in.When she does don't act overwhelmed or grossed out.The next day after she lets you in come over again and ease into the cleaning thing.She obviously cares about her kids and keeps them clean so she isn't a bad mom.She may have health probs your not aware of.Just be patient,kind, be a good friend, and pray for her.You sound like you really care and are willing to try to help her.

Answer 7

Yes..... There is someone I know very well that has 4 children, very well off money wise, beautiful house, expensive furniture but, oh my god what a pig.....She is a wonderful friend , mother etc., etc., But it really does cause alot of problems in her life, especially with her husband... he can't bring anyone home, he hates coming home, and she doesn't really care though if anyone see's... It's turning out to be a disorder and I am seeing it now.... she knows she has a problem but she thinks hiring someone to clean helps but it doesn't, as soon as they are done she makes a mess in the complete house by the next day.... Only time will tell what is going to happen in her life... It's a real shame because those kids are being taught this....

Answer 8

OMG! My sister in law... shudder....
I had to stay with my brother at her house once and it stunk so bad, I had to go sit outside. Slovenly. I had to clean the bathroom myself before I would use it and it took me over an hour. My 5yr old nephew has autism and isnt potty trained. She would rather change butts than take the time and teach him properly. My family doesnt know what to do about her. They are not together anymore. Still he has tried to clean it and she wont keep it up. My mom even offered to pay a maid to come in once a week but she refused. I sure wish she would pay a maid for my house but I clean my house. There are others too. When you find an answer Ill be back to view it because this is a big problem for more people than you can imagine.

Answer 9

Ok i don't really get what ur saying. so you are saying that you went throw her graden and say her house and it was dirty and gross?

well if thats what u were talking about then i think that you should just respect why she doesn't want anyone in her house maybe she makes her kids look clean becasue she noes i have a friend who goes to school everyday with clean clothes and her sesk is always neat but when i come over to her house i mean everything is everywhere dishes not washed you cant even see the counters
its bad but just think if you like the person then dont worry about the house just think about how much this person is a good friend doesnt that count ?

Answer 10

I have experienced this with a relative, and it's a difficult situation. For my relative, it was brought on by several traumatic circumstances in her life including having her home broken into, the death of her father, and some other things. She refused to throw out all of her garbage because she thought people where going to go through it. It was stacked to the ceiling in her spare bedroom. The whole house was littered with old food, dog and cat feces, clothes, it was horrible. I didn't find out how bad things were until the house caught fire, and I had to clean everything out. She wasn't even sleeping in her bed, but on the carpet in the living room. Thank God she lived through the fire.

If there is any way to contact health professionals to find out how to deal with it, please look into it. I wish I had sooner. She's ok now physically, but scarred over 1/2 of her body from the fire. If nothing else, the kids need to be in a healthier environment.

Answer 11

I grew up living in a house like that. I was always clean and presentable. I could never friends over and because of that people thought I was stuck up are didn't like them. You should tell the children's father if he is in the picture. Also tell DCFS. It is very dangerous to live like that and can cause many problems for the children. The children need to live somewhere else because there mother cannot be changed. Every time my mother promised to change it lasted for about a month. I eventually mover in with my father and have very little contact with my mother.