I need a laugh. Any good jokes.?

Question

Anything will do.

Answer 1

A preacher was walking to his church when he saw a bright orange road pylon with rude pictures drawn on it. He was so shocked that he kicked it over. He was immediately arrested for making an obscene cone fall.

Answer 2

Back in the 1890s a Cowboy would ride His horse into town to get a shot of whiskey and a beer at the old saloon. And everyday he would see an old Indian Chief who would gesture to Him with His middle finger up, and then sideways. Finally one day the Cowboy just had to ask the old Chief. He said hey I get that You dont like Me much but whats up with the finger sideways? And the old Indian Chief said "Thats for Your horse"

Answer 3

A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, hey buddy, why the long face

A black guy, a mexican and a priest walk into a bar, the bartender says, HEY, is this some kind of a joke.

Answer 4

Bumper stickers 16
"All generalizations are false."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

Answer 5

chicken sandwiches



Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!




This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."






"Why?" he asked.


She pointed to her lap and said

"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"


"Let me see" he said.


"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.


He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"


She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.






She said "Oh, NO", it's too late for you!

"You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

Answer 6

did you hear that i hypnotized cat my now its catatonic or the new cook book for cats featuring catssarole did you read the article in the news paper about the cat it was catastrophic or the cat that went to the vet to have a cataracts remove from its eye the cat that set off a nuclear bomb there was a cataclysmic explosion or the cat that fell behind he couldn't catsup before you report please read disclaimer (no cats were harmed or hated in anyway in the making of this joke) : )

Answer 7

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

Answer 8

If ugliness was a record yo mama you go platinum.

yo mama is like a vaccum she sucks she blows and gets laid in the closet

yo mama smells so bad when she goes in the water fish follow

yo mama you stupid she went into a police staion and said GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY

I can go on...

Answer 9

Q. How did the cowboy ride in on Friday stay 2 days and ride out on Friday?


A. His horse was named Friday!

Answer 10

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.