Bridesmaid issues?

Question

I am getting married in March and got engaged in January of last year. I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor. We have gone to school together all of our lives, and it really wasn't even something I would have to think about. She had also got engaged around the same time and asked me to be her maid of honor about a month before I had asked her. She is getting married in May 07'. I of course said yes. From this past January until now we had planned togteher looked for dresses together and everything MOH 's do.

Just recently when we were looking for my bridesmaid dresses she told me that she wanted to know if it was okay if she had one of her friends from college be her MOH...I was a little hurt that she changed her mind but I was okay with it. Later that day she then told me that she and her fiance decided to only include their "college" friends in the wedding and wanted to let me know that I wasn't going to be in her wedding party.

the problem is now I'm feeling a little weird when she talked to me about her BM dresses and gifts she is getting them..and things like that...any suggestions on how to not feel so upset?...I WANT to be happy for her!! But It just gets upsetting now that she has completely nixed me after all these months!!

Hey everyone..thanks for the answers I'm getting...I also have a little more info about why I think she did what she did. We are from a small rural community and her fiance is from LA...and he drives a luxury vehicle, and just makes it clear that we are beneath him...like the first time I met him he used our upstairs bathroom which is one we don't use much and we have our cat litterbox in that room...when he came downstairs he said something about our bathroom smeeling like cat pee...

I can't imagine doing that to someone you are JUST meeting!! I guess I kind of feel that he feels that any of her "old friends" are white trash..or wahtever...but in all actuality I have more education than both of them!! Anyway...I thought I might add my feelings about her fiance because I think he might have said something to her about not having us in her wedding and replacing us with their "private christian university friends"

Answer 1

As if you don't have enough stress with your own wedding!

My advice: keep her in YOUR wedding. Don't play dirty by asking her to not be in yours. So she cut you from the wedding--terrible idea, terrible planning, and terrible execution. Be bad, fine. She had should have dealt with it better.

But if you kick her out of your wedding, what good with that do? Forgive and move on. Be the better friend and don't hold the grudge. Life is too short for this. Although it's her wedding, what she did was rude. No one can ignore that it was rude. But you have to get beyond that to enjoy your wedding!

Answer 2

Actually, after skimming some of the other posters' comments I had to go back and re-read what you said. This is extremely awkward. Clearly you cannot do anything to make this situation any more awkward than what it is. If I were in your place I'd feel the same way. Obviously you can't sound childish and say, "Well, if I can't be your MOH, you can't be mine either." I would simply overlook the issue of you being excluded from her wedding party. Here's why: First of all, you have to remember that YOUR wedding will happen BEFORE hers! You cannot "take revenge" and disallow her from being your MOH, even under these circumstances. That will cause more fallout...not only between the two of you, but among everyone else in the picture as well...and you could have your OWN wedding ruined because of it. You will have to now focus on YOUR wedding and proceed as planned...as it will be YOUR day. She will be your maid of honor and you will have a nice time in spite of it all. Once YOUR wedding is over with, you can EASILY make up an excuse about attending HER wedding (such as telling her you are ill at the last moment) and simply not be present at all - however, I would give her a tasteful but moderately priced gift. But from this point forward you will not be the close friends that you once were, because she has put this negative cloud over both of these weddings. I would not mention this situation to her any more, other than what I've already said. Weddings are test of EVERYONE'S relationship with everyone ELSE - and yours is no exception. Now you can see how much class and tact she has - not much. And obviously you really aren't going to be best friends into the future.

Additional Comments:

In that case, I would say I re-emphasize my opinion even more. Seems to me like after YOUR wedding, you will pretty much be out of her life anyway if she is marrying somebody like that. So maybe she doesn't care how her friends feel. You know...I wouldn't be surprised if she ditched being the MOH at YOUR wedding at the last moment. Perhaps you'd better have someone else if mind just in case she does.

Answer 3

Sounds like your best friend isn't really your best friend after all. For her to have asked you and started planning with you and then completely nixed you all together was plain rude, insensitive, and wrong. I also think it's ridiculous for her and her fiance to only be including their college friends in the wedding. Your bridesmaids/maid of honor are supposed to be people you love and who are close to you - especially your moh. So either she is blowing you off and letting you know that you aren't that close to her, or she really is socially inept and terrible at sticking up for what she wants in her wedding.
Either way, you have the right to tell her how you feel. You have the right to feel hurt and angry because this person is supposed to be your best friend. If you feel uncomfortable having her as your moh, choose someone new and tell her why you are doing it - not because you are only having 'college friends' in the wedding, but because you are hurt and realize that she isn't really your 'best friend'.

Answer 4

a million. it really is as a lot as what your Bridesmaid's placed on on the day of your wedding ceremony. 2. Are you certain she needs to bypass? It appears like she would not. i could call her and verify that she surely ought to be in contact contained in the marriage. Ask for an hardship-free answer and tell her that you gained't take offence if she would not. It appears like you're after a Bridesmaid who's supportive and enthusiastic about your day. If she's no longer behaving that way then it will be perfect to settle for that . you won't be able to pressure her to sense that way. it truly is a shame yet i have heard various circumstances of girls folk being this way about being Bridesmaid. some are jealous, some are lazy acquaintances, some are only easy perplexing. it truly is perfect to provide them the alternative to diminish back out.

Answer 5

First off, I am so sorry that she's treated you that way. Regardless of if it was her choice or her fiance's, that is just awful behavior.

I think that the best thing you can do would be to be honest with her. The next time she starts talking about her bridesmaids, tell her that you want her to be happy and you want to be happy for her but it really hurt your feelings that she cut you out of the wedding. You don't have to be angry with her or tell her she was wrong to do it - I just mean that you should let her know that she's making it even harder by discussing these things with you.

If this is something that you want to really work out, tell her that too. Tell her you feel like her fiancee doesn't like you or that he looks down on you. Personally I would say it's a good idea to think about what you want to say beforehand. It's just a really stressful and very emotional situation.

It was so rude and uncalled for, for her to do that to you. You are a wonderful friend for sticking around and still being nice to her.

Answer 6

You can't help your feelings, and it seems to me that your "best friend" isn't really taking your feelings into consideration as much as you are taking hers into consideration. I am getting married in November, and I can't imagine "taking back" asking my best friend to be my MOH. This is a tricky one. I don't know what type of relationship you have with her, but your best bet is to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. You both have so much going on in your lives right now, and you deserve to enjoy your engagement, and your wedding. Ask her to come over for a drink, or meet her for a coffee, and let her know that even if she didn't mean it, she hurt your feelings. If she is a true friend, she will understand and you can work through it, and if she isn't, hopefully she will be respectful enough to bow out of your wedding so you can replace her with someone more deserving.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Wow. Just....wow. That was very, very rude of her, and goes against every single bit of wedding etiquette that I know of. Kudos to you for being the bigger person and trying not to be upset about it! How to feel better? By knowing you're doing the right thing and would never, ever hurt someone like that? By knowing she's flighty and changes her mind a lot? I can't think of anything that doesn't include making your friend look evil and selfish, sorry. But good for you! I wish you much happiness and a lovely wedding!

Answer 8

I think you are right to be upset. That was very rude of her to do that to you. In fact, that was a cold hearted thing to do. I would tell her how I felt and that you are very hurt by this and I would be looking for another MOH. YOur wedding is your time and you want everything to be happy that day. You do not want to be standing beside someone that hurt you like that.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

I think that you are dealing with this so maturely and in such a dignified manner. Your friend however is creating such a sad, negative experience for the both of you. Your friend is setting herself up for a passive life that may just be controlled by her partner.
When a woman gets married she needs her best friends around her to make her feel safe and special. Your friend is making very bad decisions but in the long run would you want to be part of this wedding? It doesnt sound like its going to be that great anyway. I cant believe that she is talking to you about the bridesmaids details still. She should be embarassed, but who else is she going to ask but you, her best friend. Maybe her new brisemaid is just going to show up on the day and just go through the motions?
You need to make a decision about her and your wedding. Is she still your best friend? Remember, you didnt deserve to be exiled from her wedding but she does from yours.

Answer 10

Wow!! I can't be live she did that to you.I'm sorry she did that to you.But I'd have to say that you're doing a great job of being the bigger person.And you have every right to feel hurt.Because if I were you I'd feel the same way.I'd keep her as you're MOH still but after both the weddings are done.and you both get back from you're honeymoons.I'd have a little talk with her and let her know just how you felt about what she did.good luck