My daughter hasn't spoken to me for over 4 years? Has anyone got any useful advice pls?

Question

About 4 years ago, My only child (18yo then) was seeing a guy(21yo then). She lives with him now. At the time, he was driving my daughter around with no driver's licence, the car was not registered to be driven and the car had not been checked by an authorised car mechanic for roadworthiness. I was upset with both of them for endangering their own lives and the lives of others. I located this car and let the air out of the tyres. My daughter rang me saying she knew I had done this and it was a terrible thing to do to her b/f's car. She said she would never speak to me again. I rang her dad for advice/support. He told me if he becomes involved, that this is not what his daughter would want him to do. I know I could have minded my own business but she is my daughter and I was just concerned for her welfare. It was either doing what I did or looking at her headstone in the cemetary.

Answer 1

It sounds as if her father is being a jerk, too.
My "ex" is playing that same game with one of my sons.
Write both of them separate letters apologizing for letting the air out of the tires. That was wrong.
Then send her a card with a nice note for every imaginable holiday, and checks (which are worthless until she cashes them) for birthdays and Christmas.

Answer 2

Momma, you really goofed big time! You owe your daughter an apology. She could have had you arrested. You have got to let go, cut the apron strings. You have raised her, and she must be happy because she is still with the same guy 4 years later. If you was so worried about the car, why not cough up the money to have it checked out. They may not have had the money to do so. Her father was smart for getting into the middle of this, because it's between the two of you. Really, I am sorry to say, it's your problem and you are going to have deal with that your baby girl is a woman now-she can make her decisions-whether they are right or wrong. All we can do as Mothers is to be there when they need us. If they ask for advice, then we can speak our minds. A daughter and mother relationship is very special, but it is also one of the toughest to maintain a healthy balance. You are some what of a controling person, and you can't control her or the world around here. So, if you want to be part of her life, then you have got to let her do her own thing. Make the mistakes and feel the pain if she does make the wrong choices. Just as well as the happiness that she gets from making the right ones. She's an adult, and you must have done right when bringing her up,because she handle herself a lot better than most people would have. She's in a stable relationship. I have a 21 year old daughter too. She's very independent, but she needs her Momma still. I will be there to catch her if she falls, and I will be there when she celebrates. She is my best friend, and I let her go....She's married now, and I don't get to talk to her as much as I would like. But she's happier now then ever, she has a wonderful husband, and it's their time to be together. ALONE! Sure she does things I wish she would do another way, or makes decisions that I wouldn't, but she is her own person. She's my daughter, and I love her enough to be! Sit down and write your daughter a letter-tell her that you miss her and that you want to be part of her life. You aren't sorry that you let the air out of the tires, and you can't see what you did was wrong, but explain to her "why". Then it's up to her. You can't change that, unfortunately you don't have any choice in that matter. She proably still loves you, but just doesn't like the things that you do. If I were you I would go see a professional counsler to deal with some of these issues, because there is alot more going on besides some flat tires. And you can tell your daughter that you are going to go, and that maybe you can get some counseling together. Be prepared that your daughter doesn't want anything to do with you. It breaks my heart, I am so sorry. Please, I don't want to hurt you anymore than you are, but you did wrong. You had good reasons, but you could have handled it a better way! So, now you have live with the results of your actions, but I am hoping that your daughter will give you another chance, remember you can't run her life, you can make her decisions, you can only advise her-and that's only when she asks. Treat her as you would want your Mother to treat you. I bet you wouldn't want your Mom to let the air out of your tires either! Please take it slow, and see someone that can help you deal with the pain and disappoints that you are feeling. I will be praying for you and your daughter both, because this is not right. Mother and daughters should have close healthy loving relationship......God bless us all............

Answer 3

Reporting them to the authorities would have been MUCH more mature than letting the air out of the tires, and less actionable--that could actually be considered vandalism. Remember, though she was a teenager, she was still legally an adult, and, though the decision is hard, you have to let your children make their own decisions, even the bad ones, or they do not learn. The most likely result would have been a bad accident that left her injured, not dead, and she may have learned a great deal from that and be speaking to you now. A hard lesson, but sometimes a necessary one.

As to now, you should appologize for your immature behavior at the time, and tell her that you understand that she is an adult and old enough to make her own decisions; also, you should tell her you understand that she may still never wish to speak to you, but you would at least like to express your feelings to her. You should probably do this in the form of a letter, because it is often easier to take a letter seriously than a person you see face to face, as well as being easier to face what is being said.

I wish you luck; 22, like 18, is a VERY stubborn age.

Answer 4

Sometimes people want something so badly that they take it away from themselves. I believe that this is what occurred. You wanted your daughter to be safe so badly that you caused a chain of events that cause her to be less safe. Before your actions, she didn’t obey you, but at least she heard your words. Now she is alone and is at greater risk.
As far as how to correct this:
Call her, write her, email her. whatever it takes, get the lines of communication open again. Don’t call and say ‘I’m sorry,’ just call and say ‘how have you been.’ Be persistant. Invite her to gatherings. Even if she won’t show, she’ll know that she’s invited.
Don’t bring up the past unless she does. If she does, don’t get defensive and don’t try to justify your actions. Admit that it was a mistake born out of a desire to love and protect her, but a mistake none-the-less. Accept her for who she is, the good and the bad. Respect her as an adult with a life independent of your own. She will see that you are changing and will let you in again.

Answer 5

Read this carefully. Print out the question that you asked and send it to your daughter. The fact that you are concerned about her should make her realize that the past is past. What you need to do, when you send the question to her is to apologize. Don't make excuses, don't try to talk her into anything. Just apologize and be polite. The key to you getting a relationship back with her is to be polite. Don't push her. She will eventually respond. Oh, by the way, 25 lashes with a wet noodle for doing the childish thing 4 years ago. I hope you have learned to think before acting, in the future. Good Luck

Answer 6

First, I want to say I am sorry for your loss. As a mother myself, I can't imagine how painful it must be to be cut off from your daughter.

I think it is rare that a single event can cause an estrangement. My guess is that this rift goes much deeper. In any event, I would write her a letter of apology without defending or explaining your actions. Only include sentiments of love and understanding.

If you want to have a relationship with your daughter, I think you will need to be willing to listen to her now. This may mean just listening (no matter how hard it is), without talking back, arguing, defending yourself or correcting the facts. Just listening and supporting her experience. Everyone needs a mother to help them through difficult experiences - even when the difficult experience is with their own mother.

I know it is hard to sit back and listen to someone else's anger and blame; however, I believe this is usually what it takes to mend a relationship. Listen with an open mind and an eagerness to understand her experience.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I hate to be the one to tell you this but you drove your daughter away by interfering. But, I am sure you realize this now.
The only thing you can do is pray for her and stand on faith that she will contact you. I promise you she will. Because at some point, we all need our mother.
You sound like a very caring and concerned mom.
When your daughter contacts you, don't comment on what she has done. Don't throw her mistakes in her face. Just listen and support her. Be the mom you now know you should have been.
She is an adult and has to make her own mistakes. At this point, all you can do is let her and then be there for her. DON'T JUDGE HER!!!

Answer 8

well after four years of being with this man she still isn't dead! Hmmmm... does this give you a clue??
Honestly I think it highly unlikely that you letting the air out of the tyres was the sole reason for your daughter not talking to you.
I can't see any young woman cutting off her mother for just one error in judgement except in rare situations.

Sit yourself down and think things through, just what else was going on at the time?
What else did you have to say to your daughter?
What else did you do to her or her boyfriend?
How long had you and her had problems?

Can you still say it was just this one event that caused her to cut you off?
If your answer is yes then you can not really do anything apart from perhaps talking to her, writing to her or visiting with her in an attempt to resolve the problem. She does have a right to decide who she will and wont have contact with.

If there were other issues that came between you then perhaps you need to think these through as well and see what you can do to set things right between you and your daughter.

Her dad is not going to help you.

Answer 9

Fleur de Lys, gosh, you did go to far! Have you apologized? With no excuses at all? A sincere written apology might help. It was his car and you shouldn't have touched it, especially going out and actually looking for it. Just too interfering. So the apology must be to both of them. Tell her that you miss her with all your heart and want to try again.

Ask for her forgiveness and assure her that if you get together again, that you'll do your best to treat them both like adults and won't meddle.
I know it's hard to let go, but we can't control our children forever, they can't be wrapped in cotton wool.

I hope you and your daughter can reconcile and that her partner forgives you too. Being Mum can be a heartache sometimes. Good luck..

Answer 10

Ever heard the saying " two wrongs does not make a right."

That was a childish thing to do...letting the air out of his tires and then justifying your actions by stating it was either looking at her headstone and done out of concern.

I suspect that there are other issues involved that lead to your daughter not wanting to talk to you again. Sit down and think of the way you have related to your daughter in the pass and the conversations you and her have had. You may need to reevaluate you approach to issues with your daughter or the way you address concerns.

Answer 11

Bad move from you there >_< I know you are concern with your daughter. A piece of from a teenager ( I am 18 too) the more you try to stop her from doing this and that, the more she will do it. If that guy is like what you say, sooner or later his false disguise will fall and your daughter will regret and come back to you. Of course you don't forget to keep a look out for her. Or maybe you are just a bit over protective of your child and that guy is really good? We don't know that do we?