is it a sign of selfishness to decide not to have children?

Question

I just never thought that I was up to the job of raising kids. I come from a background of abuse and neglect. Is that an excuse or a cop-out?

Answer 1

Neither. People choose not to have children for many reason.

If you feel that you cannot be a good parent to one, then it is a valid reason.

If you just never wanted children, period, that's fine, too.

It is your life. You live it as you see fit.

Answer 2

No, I think it is either a sign of fear or maturity. If you have not dealt with the abuse that you experienced and you have not been able to come to terms with your feelings, it is probably fear that prevents you from becoming a parent yourself. You may be afraid that you too will be an abuser and it is that fear that keeps you from having children.

When you are older, and you trust yourself more, you may change your mind about parenthood. Some people are simply self-aware enought to know that they do not posess the qualities, character, or self-control to parent well. This is what I meant about maturity.

I think it is selfish for a person who is not capable of caring for and raising a child properly to have one. You are definitely asking the right questions, and I think if you have doubts about your abilities to raise children, then it means you simply are not ready. You should seek support to heal yourself before you are ever responsible for bringing a child up in this confusing world. The cliche' is true, you have to love yourself before you can really love another. Talk to someone in your community, look for a help-line, hire a therapist. There are a lot of options, and not all of them cost money. Good luck, and if you want children one day, I think your awareness of what abuse can do to kids may actually help you be an amazing parent!

Answer 3

It's neither. An excuse is usually a bad reason and a cop out is the same. It's a perfectly valid reason. A lot of people worry about the cycle of violence. If you're afraid that'd be a possibility if you had kids, it's wiser not to have children.
I'm 30 and my husband is 35. We currently don't want to have children because we like being able to sleep late, go wherever we want whenever we want, and not have to worry about anyone else. That may never change, but we don't see it as a cop out nor as an excuse. It's just reasons.
Don't beat yourself up over your choice. It's a valid reason and you've given thought to it. It's okay to not have kids!

Answer 4

Coming from a background of abuse and neglect should not necessarily be your Only reason for not having children. However, if you are not cut out for raising kids, That is a good enough reason in itself. Kids need a lot of attention and time. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents, and that is ok.

Answer 5

It's not selfish to not want kids, same as it's not selfish to not want a cat,a dog or a rabbit. It's just a preference. For whatever reason you choose not to have children, it is your choice and it is your right as a human being. It is definitely not a cop-out. Nobody has the right to say that you are selfish for making that choice, because nobody can or will bail you out when and if you find yourself encoutering difficulties raising children be it disciplinary or financial. So they really have no right to judge you at all.

Answer 6

Only you know if it's an excuse or a cop-out. But, I don't think there's nothing wrong with people who decide not to have children. If you feel that you're not ready, or it doesn't interest you, etc. then don't have children. It's not selfish in my opinion, it's keeping it real.

Answer 7

No of course it's not selfish to not have children. Don't be ridiculous, it's not like the world's population is dying out and you reproducing is the key to the survival of the human race! You should only have kids if you really really want to and you believe that you and your spouse can do an excellent job of it and you are both willing to make a lot of personal sacrifices on behalf of your children for their entire childhood (ie 18 years).

Answer 8

No it is not a selfish decision not to have children. Raising a child is an enormous responsibility and a life changing obligation. Becoming a parent is easy, raising the child is challenging and requires a solid commitment. As one who has worked with foster children, I submit that there are many whom should not be parents. We all have differing talents. Embrace yours and grow in that direction.

Answer 9

Not selfish at all. Having children is a choice (hopefully, if you are sexually active) and a big responsibility. Sorry about your background, but hope that does not alter your decision. If you are not up to having kids, there is no problem with that. If someone is giving you a hard time about your choice and that person is not your spouse, tell them to mind their own business and quit living vicariously through you.

Answer 10

I dont think so. They say if you were abused or neglected as a child that you could do the same to your child not everyone does of course, but you know in your heart if you are up to the job or not and it sounds like you are not but it also depends on how old and stable you are as well .

Answer 11

No it is not a sign of selfishness to decide not to have children. If you feel that you are not capable of having children, or dont think that you could give them enough love, then it would be best not to have them. The world does not need another unloved child.